January Sucks

   January.

  Is it over yet?

January is not just a hard month for me but my family as a whole. 3 years ago we not only lost our only son but 2 weeks later we also lost my husband's grandpa. I said it then and I will say it now. January sucks.

I am trying to not hate the WHOLE month these days and just THE specific days but it is difficult when I change the calendar and see January. I know what is coming. The one day a year that I  unleash the grief and great loss. I submerge myself in everything I have left of my boy. I try to imagine what he would look like at 3 years old. 3 YEARS OLD! It seems like forever ago and it seems like yesterday. There is weight my arms will never hold again. That is still, 3 years later, hard to wrap my mind around.

This year is going to be a little different as I mourn a new loss. The place where he existed physically to me is no longer available for me to visit. For the first time I can not sit in only place in the world I held him in my arms. I can not walk the path my husband did to carve his initials on that tree. I have to let go of the place where I actually felt his skin against mine. I am having a hard time with that. I know it will be ok eventually and logically I know it is just a place and he is a part of me wherever I am.

 

But there is that part of me that longs to relive the day over again in its completeness. The blanket I had wrapped around me, the smell of my surroundings, and the soup that was the only thing that could make me feel warmth. I want all of it back just to bring me closer to him. To that moment when he was still mine.

The blanket wasn't mine. The surroundings are gone and I can never make the soup taste right. My son is gone. Truth be told, he was never mine. He was God's and God called him home. As much as it aches, I love him more for it.