The 1st Year

The reasons why

ok, so here we go. I am new at this so bear with me. I love to write but rarely make the time for it. So I thought if maybe I thought someone somewhere in the world may run across it, it might help with the motivation factor. I think its important for me to do. A therapy session if you will. Lord knows I need it :)
Well, January 2010 really sucked for me and my family…as did the beginning of February really. We lost our first son shortly before birth. We have been dealing with the grief of that as well as trying to help our 2 (will be 3 in march) year old daughter deal with her grief as well. She was there for the natural childbirth of my son and has a lot of questions about the birth alone, not to mention why “baby brudder” had to go to heaven. Two weeks after that my husband’s grandfather died. My husband was extremely close to him.  Addyson (my daughter) and I loved him greatly as well. My husband got laid off a week later. To top it all off we are moving in a month and just because everything else was crazy and different we decided to throw a puppy in the mix too. We named him Diesel.
You may be asking yourself how we are pulling through it…I know I would be. Both the simple and the complicated answer are the same. God.
So there is the brief background on where we are at and have been so far this year. A couple months ago I was happy being pregnant in our little house (ok so I have wanted to move for a while but I appreciated it) and daily routine. Now I long for some sense of normalness. We have no routine and only dreams and aspirations for what our future holds.
I didn’t know really where to start with this so I thought I would start with Donavin’s (my Son’s) birth story. Enjoy.
Donavin’s Birth Story

if you want it let me know


Grief is interesting

So I have never really experienced an emotional overload like this.  As bad as it may sound it makes it easier to understand why people go crazy.  I am not sure if it is like this for everyone but it just seems like most of my emotions and feeling are so contradicting. This last month and 7 days have seem to drag on yet fly by at the same time. I don’t want to wallow in my sorrow but the thought of not thinking about my son as much scares me to death. I almost feel like I am losing him all over again as time goes on. Only this time it’s happening slowly.  I am desperate for some sense of normal in my life but I feel like that is a lost cause. Will life ever be normal again? I somehow doubt it.
The ups and downs I feel makes me feel like I am a teenager again. I have GREAT DAYS and than one thing will set me off and it will ruin my whole day. I haven’t had this many mood swings since my hormones were raging :) The knowledge of all this…frankly…pisses me off. I am generally a good mood kind of person and the fact that I have been in a bad mood or a down mood more times then not lately pisses me off. It is not who I am or who I want to be. I try to pray about it but then get sidetracked and tend to pray for people I think need the prayer much more than I do.
I want to move on, but I don’t. I want to wrap my every being up in everything that has to do with my precious Son forever but it wouldn’t be fair for my little girl. I can’t even call her baby anymore because she is about to be 3 and I hate it. I don’t want her to grow up but I am not sure if that’s just the parent in me or if its worse now that I don’t have the baby in my arms I expected.
Everything I feel is so uncertain. I question my every emotion. Do I really feel this way or is it the grief talking? Time will tell. Time sucks it never tells you what you want to know fast enough, but it always seems to go by too quickly.
My eyes are open but I still can’t see.
All I can do is pray. Pray that I will find myself through all this crap. Pray that I will not overlook my daughter and the fact that she is still here. Pray that I can still be a good Mommy for her. Pray that I can still be a good wife to my husband. Most importantly pray that God will continue to be my strength. I dont even want to think about what this would be like without him. I can’t fathom how one would be able to continue on after something like this without our Lord.  May God be with them.
Ok because I REFUSE to be all sadness and sorrow, lets take a look at the positive things. :)
I still have my faith. I love God more than ever. I feel closer to him then ever. I am so happy my Son is with him. I am not worried about him because I know our Loving God will take care of him forever.
My husband has been extremely patient with me. (Patience isn’t exactly his thing either) I couldn’t have dreamed I would love him more than the day I married him but my love for him grows deeper and stronger every day.
My beautiful baby girl keeps me going. She is my sunshine.  She seems to know just what I need when I need it.  Her smile and laugh lights up my world.
My friends. I wouldn’t remember who I was without them. The reassurance, the love, and the care I receive from them is amazing but most importantly the laughs that remind me that its ok to be happy. That remind me that my son is happy and wants the same for me. I couldn’t live without my friends. I wouldn’t be me without them.
My family. No matter what craziness, they are always there to talk to or just to be there. I wouldn’t trade them for anything!
Well, that’s my vent for today.


it’s a Sunday alright

So I woke up incredibly tired and immediately realized these allergies are NOT my friend. Rushed out the door to make the early service at church. Sitting in church with the family in a great mood. We had gotten done with a great worship and were listening to a sermon when one of the members of our congregation came up to tell his story. In his story was a part about his one of his son’s birth. He said the words “limp baby” and it was like a punch in the gut. ( Thank God his son is alive and well today.) It was hard to hear because it immediately brought back the memories of the first time Donavin was placed in my arms. Limp and blue. It was a vision that was hard to clear my head of for the rest of the day. Lucky for me he was beautiful so I tried to focus on that. It’s so weird how the littlest things seem to bring the world crashing down around me. I wonder how long it will last.
I wonder how he spends his days. I would guess part of it is laughing at his big sister. I would guess a good portion of his day is spent giggling and smiling. I suppose  a “day” doesn’t mean much when all you know is eternity.
I have thought long and hard about how I spent those long 9 months. I put so much more into his health then I did with Addy not because I didn’t want the best for Addy, just because I didn’t know any better. When the thought crossed my mind that I went through all that and his birth for nothing, I knew immediately I was wrong. I don’t regret it for a second.  He is a part of me. Although he is not with me he is every bit alive and well in heaven. He still exists. I didn’t get to know him but I know I have a son who is half me and half his Daddy. (Although, I have to say he looked more like his Daddy…both incredably handsome if I do say so myself) :) He is part of who I am and who I strive to be, a part of who God wants me to be.  He was and still is my gift from God.  That still amazes me. I miss him, my arms ache for him…Lord only knows how much they ache. I am so sad to be without him but I am so happy he is with God.
I love babies in general. Seeing them is hard. Hearing them is hard. Touching them I am sure will be harder. I have a sister and a couple of close friends who are expecting and I imagine each of them will be a challenge for me but I am still so happy for them. I couldn’t imagine not being there for any of them. However, I worry that if and when my own emotions get the best of me it will kind of burst their happiness bubble temporarily. Knowing my friends there will be a guilt and I dont want them to feel that way. They should be joyous of the new life that God has brought to them and I am afraid that when they look at me it will remind them of my loss and even their own loss of Donavin. I dont really know what to do about it.


one more day has passed

When I decided to do this I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write about.  I am finding that whenever I hit that “new post” button the only thing in my mind is my Son. Which I am okay with. I love to think and talk about him. It is a reminder that he was really here for a brief moment. He makes me smile constantly. The smiles that come with his thoughts are almost catching up with the tears  that came and still come with his loss which I think is a good thing.  Truth be told I haven’t had much time to really sit and give myself to his memory with the move coming quickly things are pretty chaotic. So it is nice to sit and remember him.  Although, selfishly I would still much rather him be in my arms then this empty blanket. I miss him.
I stopped bleeding yesterday. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing in my world.  The good is obvious, who really likes to deal with that mess?  The bad is this; to me it means whatever trace of my Son was left in my body is now gone and if it’s not I will not see any evidence of what is left. It saddens me.  Sometimes I wish I would have held him a little longer. I wish I would have been in a better frame of mind…instead of exhausted for being up for over 26 hours while in labor and emotionally overwhelmed. I wish I would have taken the time to memorize everything about him. I have never physically ached for someone as I do my baby boy.
His smile would have lit up the sky. I am sure it does now. :) The thought makes me smile. I can’t wait to hear his laugh.
Addy talks about him. She is in the “why” stage which makes things difficult of course because we don’t have that answer. She knows he is with Jesus and Great Grandpa and Grandma. She knows they are in heaven which is “far far away.” She asked where Jesus’s car was and told me that Jesus was going to make her a house like heaven. Love some of the things she says!
It’s weird for me to get the compliments I have. People tell me I am so strong and they admire my faith. It’s weird to me. I am the admirer not the admiree. I don’t feel like I have anything to do with it. It is all God and I don’t know how or why. So there it is people. You want to know how I do it, I will have to refer you to my superior…ask God. ;)
Ok so I have a great idea: I am going end each blog with something funny/cute Addy has said recently.
While driving to his Mom’s house to drop Addy off Dustin noticed a Peterbilt truck he liked. He said “Look Addy isn’t that truck cool?!”
Addy’s response “ya Daddy, but it will never be yours”
Love her.
Love you.


The light

Today was a good day. I don’t know why but God seems to have taken some of the weight off my shoulders. Things are going along nicely at the new place and things are looking good for an end of March move in. I got to spend some quality time with the husband. Addy was in a good mood and was being hilarious all day. I love the stage she is in. All the whats and whys can get tiring but her IMAGINATION. Nothing beats it. (See “Addy says”) I got to see the Non-bestest briefly. Heard all sorts of funness from the stalker. :) Love them! My heart still aches for my Son but I can definitely see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can have a good day and not feel bad about it.  I can have a good day and know that he is happier where he is. I can smile because I know he does all the time.
I am still struggling a little with not being able to be a bigger part of my friends happiness.
Today was a good day. I look forward to more.
“I’m going to paint my room purple and its going to smell like…CHOCOLATE!!!”


What to do what to do

As I sit here and wait for children to fall asleep for their naps I find myself wondering what I am going to do with Donavin’s stuff when we move. I already packed the majority of it. Clothes, blankets, etc and that will stay in the attic for now.  However, we have quiet a bit we kept out that we have displayed on our entertainment center. I am not sure what I want to do with it all. Do I split it up or keep it all together? Do I put it in our room or put it in the living room? There is the glass heart and his ashes that a part of me wants to put in the safe in case, God forbid, we have a fire. I couldn’t stand to lose them. I know this is just me being paranoid but these are the thoughts that cross my mind. (Actually, while writing this I just thought of a solution. We will keep some of his ashes in the safe so if something were to happen we could have another heart made…its ok I know I’m a genius right? ;)   I know I should do whatever I am comfortable with but I am really not sure what that it yet.
I have started packing all the things that we don’t need or use on a regular basis. Just leaving what we absolutely need out that way we aren’t in a mad dash rush to move and clean when the time comes. I actually feel really good about the progress I have made so far. Although I do have to say I feel sorry for that husband of mine…he has to pack the garage. My next step is packing all the things we don’t use regularly in the kitchen and then the pictures, knick nacks, and things off the walls. I don’t think I will be able to box up Donavin’s things until we move…it will probably ride over in an open box on my lap. (For some reason the thought of closing the box makes me cringe)  Which at the moment is Diesel’s spot but something tells me at that point he is going to be way to big to be on my lap…he is pushing it as it is.
I wonder if I will ever be able to part with his things.  We have 4 huge totes of his stuff, 2 of which are clothes, most of which are brand new. It saddens me that there are people out there that could truly use this stuff. People that need it and can’t afford it on their own with no family to help them (as we surely do) . I would love to be able to give this stuff to someone who has a great need for it. The thought of getting rid of it breaks my heart though. I don’t really understand why. It is just stuff.  He never so much as touched any of it. He doesn’t need it in heaven. Surely, God  has provided him with everything he needs and more. None the less, all the stuff was his.  Therefore, I can’t part with it. Maybe when I am ready to God will show me just what to do with it.


feeling a little….idk???

My dear Son has been on my mind all day. I am missing him like crazy today. I look at other little boys and I cant help but wonder what he would be like. What he would look like at this point. His smile…I always wonder what his smile would look like.  My heart ACHES for my son every time I look at another litttle boy or baby. I cant stand it. How long am I really going to feel like bursting into to tears when I watch a toddler play or a baby cry?? GOD I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I selfishly want nothing more then to hold him again!  I dont know what to say. Life has been hard with out him.  If it werent for God holding me together I would fall to pieces because even with all the emptiness I feel without him…I know he is in better hands than my own. Even though I can’t see his smile, he smiles. Even though I can’t hear his laugh, he laughs. Even though I can’t tell him I love him, he knows because God has told him. I really don’t know how someone could get through this without God. Thank  you Lord for this peace!!!
Addy Says
Her word for tiara is “tanana”  and she was doing her “tanana spin” in the living room with her princess dress. (Ballerina dance)



Thank God for my wonderful…midwife’s apprentis. taking pictures of my son! I would be lost without them.  Everytime I can’t quiet remember what he looked like I have those to go to.  Anytime I just want to remember him and let some tears go, I have them. I have to admit I thought the idea of having pictures of my dead son was a little odd.  I have an “obsession” if you will with pictures. I love to take them, show them, give them as gifts, look back at the memories etc.  The thought of doing any of that, the day he died was not appealing. I cherish them though. I realize I can’t exactly share them with the world because well, not everyone may want to see them but I have them for me. I will have them forever and I have them for anyone who may want to see them. They are a beautiful reminder of yet another thing I have to look forward to in heaven.


All that I can say is Hallelujah!

In a matter of a couple days God has given me amazing gifts!
I went on a woman’s retreat with my church (and dearest non-bestest) which was a gift in itself.  However, while there, during worship we were singing the song “Another Hallelujah” by Lincoln Brewster.  Out of no where the image of Jesus holding Donavin appeared in my head. I have always pictured my son in Heaven but I had never before that pictured Jesus holding him. The image was so clear and peaceful. Donavin had color in his cheeks and a smile on his face, such a bright smile and his big brown eyes were open. Jesus’s face was smiling in a “See, everything is perfect as it should be” kind of way. That vision, if you will, brought me to tears. Peace, I felt peace.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying God revealed himself to me by any means. What I am saying is that he allowed me to picture my Son happy. He allowed me to picture my Son alive and well.  He allowed me to picture him safe in the arms of  God. He gave me an incredible gift.
And then I got an even better one…
I spoke/IMed my dear friend/midwife. For those of you that don’t know her, I am pretty sure she is super woman without the cape. :) Barely a month after Donavin died she went on a trip to Haiti.  For 10 days she took care and saved many Mama’s, babies, children, and people in general. She fed them, clothed them, gave them medicine and vitamins. She nursed infants and fought to save laboring Mama’s. She went on little to no sleep so she could give her time to those that needed her.
She told me tonight  that Donavin was the reason she went. She needed the healing it would bring saving people’s lives.
Tears poured down my face as I realized my Son’s death essentially brought my midwife to many others who needed her. Donavin died so many other people could heal. My Son died so many other people could live. God used my Son’s death to bring and keep life in many others. Words can’t even describe the peace and happiness that brings me!
And all that I can say is Hallelujah!!!!!!


My Dearest Donavin~

Hello My Son,
It’s Mommy. It’s been almost 2 months since I held you in my arms.  I miss you deeply. Things here haven’t slowed down much. Even though we didn’t have you with us for long it is still a challenge to get used to life without you. Your Daddy, Sissy, and I all sleep with one of your blankeys. It’s silly but its our way of keeping a part of you with us. Your brief lifetime in this world set many wonderful things into motion. So many people have been touched in some way or another because of you. I only hope that I can have that same effect in my entire life time.
Your Daddy and I are much closer to God and each other. Your big sister was telling me all about her friend God. She tells me and Daddy she wants to go to heaven to see you and great grandpa.  I have been talking to Jesus a lot more too. I can already see the change in my life because of it. It’s amazing.  Building a relationship with the Lord is making Mommy so happy. I have realized that I need to embrace life, not just live it. God gave Mommy life for a reason and while I may not know what that reason is yet I know if I commit my life to Him, I will one day understand. I will do my best to make the best of what I am handed and be grateful for it. How great is God that he would bring SOOO much good out of something so traumatic! I just have to be willing to see it. The more I open my eyes and heart the more wonders I see.
You see so much more than I, my precious Son. It is you who will have to teach me someday. I look forward to our embrace. I look forward to having our family whole again! Until that day come though, I will make sure your memory lives on. Thank you my Donavin for the gifts your life has given me. Thank you Lord, for using my Son’s death to do so much good.  Thank you Father for ALL you have given me and my family. Thank you for letting me see your Greatness.
I love you both deeply.


3 months

I am not sure of much these days. It has been 3 months to the day today. My heart hurts so bad. Today strength isn’t with me. Time moves slower yet faster these days. I have more time to miss my son. All I want is to hold him skin to skin. I want to see his pink lips and feel his heart beating. It’s weird to have reminders of him everywhere but not have him here.  I spend so much time wondering what I would be doing if he were here. At the store last week I saw a huge thing of baby bath I grabbed it as I thought ” this would be great for both kids.” Then remembering punched me in the stomach so hard I couldn’t breath. That is the only time I have ever done that and I pray it will be the last.  I am constantly holding my stomach like I did when I was pregnant, it is still so weird not to have him inside of me. I would carry him forever if it meant I could have him back. I would cherish the sleepless nights and the hugeness.  I hope the scar I have from burning my pregnant belly never fades. I don’t know why. Strength has lost me today but God has not. He is my comfort. He reminds me constantly it is ok to hurt but more importantly he reminds me that Donavin does not.
I love you my precious baby boy.


Missing my Son


Not empty, just broken.

Grief has set in. God has kept me pretty busy thus far but it is time for me to mourn. With life settling down (somewhat) I have found I have more time to think. I have great days and I have horrible days. I have days where I meet the new day with a smile and fabulous outlook. I have days where I don’t want to get out of bed. I am beginning to feel a bit bi-polar :) One of the stranger things I have experienced is a lack of words. Generally when I have this enormous emotion I get it all out through writing. Yet whenever I sit down to write words escape me. Tears escape me. I feel frustration that I can not get it all out the way I am accustomed. I feel frustration that even when I am able to let some of it out it is never enough. It feels better for the moment and then its back, the hole is back. I cant call it an empty feeling. I have much to make me full of life. I call it broken. My heart grew to make room for my son. He took part of that with him. unfortunately it left an empty pain. I fear that my relationships are being impacted. I hate that my husband randomly finds me crying in recent days. I hate that sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed and enjoy my daughters smiles and laughter. I hate that she is growing so fast. I feel as if I am losing her too. I hate that when I look at one of my best friends I fear that I will be a “downer” during a joyous time in their lives. I hate that I fear I will be a constant reminder of loss to some, so much so that they wont want me around. I hate my bad moods. I hate grief. I am so happy for my son and the joy he is continually experiencing. Why can’t that be enough?
I have this longing to go back. I want to go back to the room he entered the world in, lay on the same bed, with the same blankets and just be. I long to be where I was the closest to him last and I don’t understand it. I know it will never be the same.


a hallow hole
empty pain
a heart of love
unexpected gain
a constant battle
emotions rage
a fight for normal
a broken cage


Roller Coaster Going backwards…

So today has been all sorts of emotional for many reasons. Some great, some angering, some absolutely rediculas. I attended the VBAC meeting in salem where the board was meeting to propose law changes regarding VBAC’s and Midwives. It was interesting to say the least. Hard to keep my mouth shut a lot of the time as I felt as if I could be a poster child for things that could increase the risk of rupture regarding a VBAC …yet, in their eyes I had a successful VBAC because I didn’t rupture.  (Although I too VBAC was successful to some extent just not with the intended outcome) Some of the things they are proposing are outrageous…I just want to shake them and ask if they understand that God created the woman’s body and he did just fine so quit trying to interfere where you are not wanted! I understand that SOME people (although I do have to say the majority of the public that has put in their opinion suggests that the laws should not change and I would just like to take a minute to let out the child in me and scream MAJORITY RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) don’t believe that the laws are strict enough. Those people should stay in a hospital where they belong and quit interfering with lives they will never see.   They say it’s all for public safety…I am sorry but thats crap. They should call it the “Looking out for #1″ meeting. I have never met ANY doctor  that is more concerned with EVERY ASPECT and yes that includes safety of a “patient’s” (just a side note, I just realized why doctors call us patients….we have to have patience to deal with all their crap) health and well-being in general. (yes, I know that they are out there but I personally have never met one) So I suppose we will see by next year what they decide. All I know is a woman’s right to choose how she births is at risk and that makes me angry. It should be a woman’s choice not the governments. (Insert whole new can of worms here)
Secondly, I found out some really disturbing news.  I will not disclose it because well frankly I don’t know who I can trust at the moment.
Lastly the highlight of my day. Brief Encounters. Too be honest, I wasnt too sure that the support group would help me.  I thought “well, I am dealing with things alright I am sure I will be fine either way”  Something and by “something”  I mean God, told me to go. Of course in his own “you don’t know why but you have to go” kind of way. It was amazing. There is something so powerful about being in a room with people who are going through the same thing you are. Words don’t do it justice. Sure, we generally all have different stories but we all have the same outcome and that is worth SOOO much. It is soooo nice to know that some of the things I thought were unique to my grieving process are not as unique as a thought.  It is so nice to have a place to go to talk about Donavin freely and not worry. It is nice to have someone who has been in my shoes before give me ideas on how to cope with things I may be struggling with. It was nice to say out loud some of the things I have never said before. I can’t wait until next month.  It was said tonight, its like riding a roller coaster backwards….you have ups and downs but can’t see them coming. So perfectly said.

Another loss…trust in people.

Don’t understand why people feel the need to make complaints to people about events that go on in my life? I would love to ask them but apparently they don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it. Which brings the question if you are not comfortable enough to come to me about such things why are you even involving yourself in the first place? I am beginning to think I trust to easily, I shared my story w/ all of you because I trusted that you would read it with an open mind and it would give you the opportunity to ask questions if needed. Not pass harsh judgments.It truly saddens me.


Mother’s day

My dearest Son,
It has been nearly 4 months since you went home to the Lord. I miss you desperately. I have been dreading this mother’s day because for the first time in my life it is bitter-sweet. Sweet because you exist, sweet because I have your big sister to hold and embrace. Bitter because you are not here. I don’t have you to embrace sweet love. I want nothing more than you to hold for Mother’s day. I want to see your big sister hold you and care for you like I know she would. I want to see your Daddy’s proud look on his face when he looks at his boy. I want our family to be whole. I want to know what it would feel like to have us ALL here together to just be for a day. I want to see your beautiful smile and your bright eyes.
My precious son I have a constant fear of losing you all over again. I feel as if the more and more time goes by the more you slip away from me. I find myself wanting to do anything I can to be closer to you. Every night I want to wrap myself in the quilt I was using when I held you. I want to go back to the bed and just be. I want anything I can get to remind me of you no matter what it is.  Necklaces, bracelets, stepping stones, poems…it doesnt matter. I need it. I need it to know you exist. I need it to feel a little bit closer to you. I know the only way to be closer to you is to become closer with God. I know it! But still I feel the need to have all these things of you. I know it will never do. It will never replace you. It will never fill my empty arms or the hole in my heart. It will never sing your heart beat or scream your cries. It will never do. It will never compare to you my baby boy. Nothing will ever compare to you.
Mommy loves you always sweetheart. You’ll always be my baby boy. I will always need you. I am always your Mommy.

Hello my son, it’s Mommy again.

Some days I’m ok, I am soooo happy for you and thats what I focus on. Others I am sooo sad for me, and I can’t get away from it. I miss you so much but on my off days it hurts a little more. Your big sissy asks about you all the time. I don’t think a day has gone by where she hasn’t said “I don’t want my baby brother to be died” I dont really know how to respond except to say “me either” I think I even over heard her asking Grandma about when you will wake up. It breaks my heart to not be able to see you 2 together. To not ever have seen her hold you, kiss you, or even kick someone’s butt for you ;) I know these are all things we will have to wait for…minus the butt kicking. Something tells me you dont see much of that in heaven.
I cant help but imagine what it would be like if you were here. I am constantly picturing how nice it would be to do every day things with my almost 4 month old, my 3 year old, and their Daddy. Just sitting in the grass hanging out, sitting at the table for dinner, going to church. Little things that normally I wouldn’t think much about. Little things that would mean much more if our family was complete. If you were here.
How is heaven? Perfect I suppose. I often wonder what it would be like for a baby. (well, I wonder what it would be like in general but I wonder how it differs for a baby) I wonder if you will still look like my baby when I get there. I wonder what you do and how much you see of this life. Mostly I wonder if you remember me. If you love me as I love you. I dont know how it all works up there. One thing I am sure of is that you are happy. You know continuous joy and bliss.
I have been thinking more and more about what it would be like to be pregnant again. I have always wanted more children. I still do but I wonder how I could with out feeling like I was trying to replace you. I know I can never replace you. I know this feeling of not having our family complete will never go away completely. I accept that. Is it wrong that I want to try again soon?
Their are few things I am sure of these days my love. All I know is I miss you from every depth of my being and I love you more. As does your Big Sissy and Daddy.
Love you always,


The first letter

My Dearest Son,
Wow, words can not describe just how incredibly much I love you and miss you. There are so many things I had wanted to do with you and see you do in your life. I keep imagining what your smile would have looked like. I know it would have been beautiful just like you were.It brings me warmth just thinking about it. No one can ever take your place in my heart my baby boy. Everything I feel is so overwhelming. I have such joy and peace knowing that you are happier then I can even fathom in this life. You know more happiness then I will ever know until I see you and God. I couldn’t have wished for anything better for you. The pain I feel is my own, not for you my Donavin. I know you will never experience pain. I know you can see me and your Daddy and your big sister and know how much we all love you. You are still very much a part of this family even though you didn’t get much time with us. You will always be our baby boy. Our first born Son. Addyson’s baby brother. You have such an amazing Daddy. He had so many plans for things you guys could do together, so much he wanted to teach you. He loves you more then I can imagine or even try to explain but he too is so happy for you. He knows there is no better place in this world for you. He knows that God and Great Grandma are taking care of you. Your big sister was so excited to meet you.She too loves you very much. She gave you lots of kisses when you were in Mommy’s belly. She also insisted that you had to share your toys and loved to try to wake you up when you were sleeping in my belly. She is sad she didn’t get to see you but she knows you are with Jesus and although she is young I think she understands that you are in a better place. We all suffer a great loss with the loss of your life and it will not be easy to overcome but we can not overlook the joy you’ve already brought us and we definitely can’t overlook the joy you are and will be forever experiencing. You are so loved by so many people my sweet sweet boy. I will see you again someday and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. Until then we will live in honor of your memory always striving to be closer to God and closer to you. I love you my baby boy, my Son, my Donavin. I will miss you always.

4 Months

Well, I just let the 12th pass me by without remembering that it was the 4 month anniversary of Donavin’s death. (I realized it 2 minutes after midnight)  I am not so sure how I feel about it.  On one hand, I am glad, one hard day a week is good for me and Mother’s day was pretty brutal. On the other I am terrified that I am forgetting. He’s slipping away even more. I hate it. It is not so much that I forgot it happened on the 12th. I just didn’t realize that it was the 12th but regardless, I am not too fond of being oblivious. I miss him. More than I imagined possible.
I will love you forever
I will remember you always
As long as I am living
My baby you’ll be

you’d be 4 months old already!

Hey Bubba,
You would be 4 months old today. (ok, yesterday as of 17 minutes ago) I see babies your age and try to picture what you would look like. I can’t. I hate that I can’t. I hear newborn cries and think of you, even though you never made a sound. Probably would have seen your smile by now, maybe even giggle. I hear nothing. My heart hurts sweetheart. I miss you more than I ever imagined possible. My arms ache for you. I will be ok though. I have God and I know that you do too.
Life doesn’t slow down though. I feel like the world should have stopped. It only seems to speed up and some days I feel like I am barely keeping up. A lot of days I don’t have the energy to try.
Your sister has attached herself to a pair of pajamas that were supposed to be yours. The pants have feet and they were WAY too small for her. Your Daddy thought he was being smart and cut the feet off for her. She was sooo upset. She didn’t want baby brother’s jammies cut. We tried to cheer her up by giving her the feet for slippers. Its supper cute but not the same. She still wasn’t happy about it.
She misses you so much. I hurt for her loss as well as my own. She sees and holds babies and tells everyone “my baby brother died” she tells me that she misses you all the time. I hope God lets you play with her in her dreams. I dont know how that all works but it gives me comfort thinking she can dream sweet dreams of you.
I know your Daddy misses you. I wish he would talk to me more about it. He’s never been a big talker though.
I wish I could give you a big hug and kiss or better yet, sandwich kisses.
I will love you forever
I will remember you always
As long as I am living
My baby you’ll be
Ps. Addy says….her heart goes “bounce. bounce, bounce”

A big part of this family

We love you Baby Boy!
Your family

The world is coming the world is coming…then it stops.

Triggers. I know them well. I have heard about them for years in reference to drugs. Never did I think they would have this much of an impact on my or my husband. Songs, babies, days, etc, etc, etc.  At a moments notice I can have tears fill my face. It is almost as if, when you are doing just fine BAM something punches you in the stomach and reminds you that the empty pain is still there. I might sound weird, but I am glad it is, it reminds me that my son exists. It’s all the reminders that follow that one that tend to be the problem. My arms are empty. My son is gone. My husband’s son is gone. My daughter’s brother is gone. My family will never in this life feel whole again.
It is strange this backwards rollercoaster. Some days I can talk about him, look at his pictures, write about him all without crying others…feel like all I do is cry.
Writing is healing but I have my issues with it as well. What to write, what not to. I hate to put a filter on my only release but I am beginning to think that there is no safe place. I suppose assuming that a blog on the internet is safe is just naive. I guess, I was naive.

Just a quick note

I feel like I just insulted my support team :) I hope those of you that love and know me, know I am not referring to you when I have doubts about the “safety” of the internet and blogging. I can’t express how much all your love and encouragement has meant to me. I think the difference in journal writing and blogging is the sense of being heard. I feel like those of you who have truly cared for me and encouraged me through this journey are my support team. For that I thank you.

strangest dream I can remember

The whole thing felt like a nightmare.
I was happy in an empty room with endless space. My husband and Dad-in-law were sitting on a red couch with Donavin (dead still) wrapped up in the receiving blanket (the one I sleep with) laying between them.  I was standing in front of them and Addy was somewhere. I felt like she was there but I don’t remember seeing her. I felt as if a lot of time had gone by since his Death. All the sudden I saw his arm move. I was the only one to notice it. I thought I was just losing it. You know, one of those people who want it so badly to be true they start imagining it? So I didn’t say anything. Then he moved again, a lot. He was squirming and making noises. Everyone else stopped and looked. I picked him up as quickly as I could and just held him. Then I held him out to look at him and his eyes were open. They were disturbing. Cross eyed and lifeless. Almost like one of the googly eyes you use in craft projects, but real eyes. I was so happy still in my dream, my son was alive but it felt wrong. Spiritually it felt wrong. I went to hand him to my husband and I woke up. Heart pounding, sweating…the whole waking up with a nightmare feeling. It was sooo strange.
I just had to share it.


unfortunately I didnt get this one out sooner

So, a couple nights…possibly the night after I had the dream about Donavin I had another dream. In this dream I gave birth to a baby girl. She was alive and pink and well. I don’t remember much about this one. Except that her name was Kaiya. I personally have never heard this name before.  Looked up the meaning…this is where it gets weird, For a girl it means Forgiveness. For a boy, celebrated long hoped for child.
What am I supposed to take from that???

Letting go

So we are on vacation. A vacation that has been planned for a year. For the first 6 months, I planned on having our son with us. It is strange that he is not here. It is stranger that we have spread the first of his ashes here. A beautiful place. One of my favorite in the world. One we will come back to many times in our lives I am sure. It is one of those places that you just cant help but sit back in aw of God’s beautiful creations. It was there that Dustin, Addy, and I each took a handful of Donavin’s ashes and let go.  My son slipped through my fingers literally. It was learning to let go all over again.
I have learned something on this trip. Mourning is not learning to let go. I will never let go of my son completely. It is about learning how to let go,a little at a time,  over and over again. It is about finding the best way for you to say good-bye and then take it back, and learn how to say good-bye again, until we say hello again I would imagine.
Does this make it any easier. Probably not. Not in the slightest. Understanding, why I feel the way I do does nothing for the way I feel.  I wish I could say differently. For the moment, for this trip, I am trying to make it about my daughter. I want to make the memories she has of this trip great ones. I don’t want her to remember that Mommy was sad the whole time. I don’t want her to remember Mommy sad at all. We had our moment about Donavin and now we must hold it together for her. We have her, we are blessed to have her. I will not take her for granted. I will not allow myself to fall into that mode of self-pity. With God’s help, I will focus on the goodness in my life.
Not my picture but this is where we spread some of Donavin's ashes


Waited so long for you.
Torn between the past and the future.
The present is the hardest place to be.
The “wonder whats”
Sometimes why.
.*That’s it.  I am fully aware this seems unfinished. Incomplete. It’s how I feel everyday.

Next comes 6

For whatever reason I am dreading 6 months. I suppose because it would be a milestone for him. It’s not the milestone I expected, definitely not the one I wanted.  He would be starting the “dadada, mamama” stuff, rolling over, smiling, laughing. I keep picturing him, unfortunately faceless, at different milestones. Pestering his big sister, cuddling with me, with daddy, with sissy. Chasing the dog, pulling his tail. Making mud pies. They almost feel like memories. Like I went through all this with him and that’s why I miss him so much but I know better. The reality is they are the hallmark infused commercials of what will never be. All the seemingly perfect moments I will miss out on in this life without him.
Truth be told, I have no idea what to expect in Heaven. I know he won’t look the same. Will he be matured? Only God knows. I can live with that. ( I say as if I have a choice ;) I know he is in the greatest hands he can be in much more capable than my own.
I think I would like to do something in memory of him on that day. Possibly go to “the tree.” (the one Dustin carved Donavin’s initials into the day he died) Spread some ashes. With the whole family this time if we can all make it.
I think often of his 1st birthday/1 year anniversary of his death. I am thinking I want to  throw a party in his memory. Is that morbid? Is it weird that I would like to celebrate his birth even if he is not here? I just want everyone to take some time to remember him. I want his memory to live on.
I have the same issue with the memorial tattoo I want. I want to put it on my forearm so everyone can see it, so I can see it, always but on the other hand I am not sure how I feel about a huge tattoo on my forearm. I could put it on my ankle but then it wouldn’t be seen as much…even by me. So that too I am struggling with.
I don’t know how someone would get through this without God. Honestly, I am not certain how some can get through life without him. I don’t mean to offend anyone but in my opinion you would almost have to intentionally ignore God’s presence in the world to not see Him. I suppose for many that is the case. I guess my point is that without knowing that my son was in the hands of the Lord, this would be unbearable. I would be angry, confused, lost…etc. I am not. I know some people might say that “God is a crutch” but it is by the grace of God that I don’t need a crutch. I could’ve easily slipped into a drinking or drug habit to “make my feelings disappear.” I can, to an extent, see how someone would see that as an easier fix. I would lose much more than I would gain. I am hurting. Everyday. I miss Donavin more than I have ever missed anything in my life, more than I have missed everything combined. I know it is for a reason. I know it is all part of God’s plan to make me who he wants me to be. I know there is far greater reason then I can comprehend at the moment.
Knowing doesn’t make it go away.

Decided we needed a little more baby D on this page.



*Disclaimer: I am aware the my overuse of parenthesis in this post is probably annoying. Deal with it. : ) Thanks.
WOW. So you know how you have every intention of writing something for so long that you begin to think you did. THIS was one of those things. One of the most healing experiences so far. The birth of a beautiful baby girl.
A month and a half ago  ( I know I am totally slacking) my dear…friend? (Friend doesn’t do her justice, how about the family you choose) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Unfortunately, I missed the birth.  I was called with plenty of time to get there but instead of following my instincts and going right then, I decided I had time to take a shower. I was wrong. I am still sorry about that one :( Just goes to prove, I am not the one in charge contrary to my desire to believe it.  So we got there and there she was. Born in the same room, although it looks different, as my son. The birth tub was in the same place, although unused. In a way it felt like I was going back and stepping outside myself and looking at what could have been if that makes any sense at all. It took a few minutes to get used to. Their were plenty of mixed emotions. Then the light came. Not dwelling on my loss but embracing this beautiful gift of life that just entered the world. Loving her and her Mama so deeply. There were a bunch of people but for a few moments it felt like all was  silent and warm. There was a moment of awe. Tears filled my eyes. (Which reminded me to grab my camera.) I went into “Help the Mama” mode. Doing whatever anyone would let me do to lend a hand. Cleaning, holding babies (for the first time but they were older), moving Mama and baby around. Then their came a time for me to hold her. This little perfect bundle of warmth that God created. I was scared. I was scared that I would be jealous. I was scared that I would have some sort of resentment. I was scared that she would make me think and miss my son more. I was wrong to be scared. This beautiful little girl didn’t bring any of those thoughts to my mind. She healed me of those fears. I was blissfully happy for her and her mama. I was happy and thankful to be a part of it, to be there at all. I was happy to hold the joy that God can create in my arms.
Thank you.
I think its possible because well with God all things are, that she knew Donavin.
She will always be his “sorta-twin.”

A Healing Journey

A mile seems much longer when you have an extra 40 lbs on your back and a slight rocky incline. The hike to release some of Donavin’s ashes was definitely a healing process. The hike itself almost seemed to symbolize the journey. Anticipation, looking forward to the beauty of it all. Resistance, the slight incline, the bumpy path…the burning in my legs. Fear, will I be able to get there? Will I be able to let go when I do? A heavy weight…Addy, but the weight of know I had to do something I was not wanting to do. It was hard, I was sweating, but I didn’t stop for long. Then we got to the falls. It was cool and refreshing, with a cloudy haze everywhere. We made it but there was still the daunting task we set out to do. Although, I think we both knew we had to do it. We never committed to do it. We brought Donavin along “just in case.” We decided we wanted to. He was supposed to be there with us. So he was. Surrounded by the beauty of God’s creations we tried to summon up the courage. The tears built up as I took in my surroundings. Slowly becoming more attached to that place then I had ever imagined. I would leave a part of my son there. It would forever be a part of me. Time was ticking away. Stupid time, always forcing us to move forward. We decided to get on the other side of the railing and stand next to this huge tree. The thought was that just Dustin and I would do it, last-minute we decided Addy should be a part of it. The ashes in my hand, I wanted nothing more than to tighten my grip. Never let go. Consume myself with the only physical being I had left of my dear Donavin. I cried. I prayed. I let go. I watched my son become one with the air, the water, the land surrounding us. We held each other and cried. It was time to return. The returning venture was a little easier. A little lighter. With one big hill at the end. The weight of what we had to do was gone, It was still hard to leave it behind.

How many children do you have??

I still struggle with the “How many children do you have?” question. I still have yet to find a perfect answer to that. I feel that if I go the safe route and say 1, I am not honoring my son or his memory. Generally, when I say 2 and they only see Addy, they ask where the other one is. Sure, I can say “oh he is in heaven.”  But even with a smile on my face and the cheeriest voice ever, I still get “the look.” The look that says “I am so sorry, and now I am extremely uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.” Sometimes followed by awkward silence, sometimes by questions.  Either way, generally people are just making small talk and don’t want to know that much information but how or why do I not include my son? He is still my son. I HAVE 2 KIDS but it’s not that simple.
These days are getting better. My dearest Donavin is still very much a part of my every day life. So much so that in a way I forget he is gone. It is not that I pretend he is here it has just gotten to the point that it is easy to talk about him. Talk about his things. Feel proud that he exists and that I had part in that.  I love that but sometimes that can cause more harm because on those days if I find myself stopping to think about him, really think, it’s almost as if I lose him all over again.  If it’s just a “Honey, can you hand me Donavin’s blanket?” It’s fine. It’s when it turns into a “Honey, can you hand me Donavin’s blanket…that he never got to use” where it is not. It’s a very fine line. Sometimes that hits me. Sometimes it doesn’t. It is strange to have someone be such a HUGE part of your life, someone you think of constantly, someone you talk about, someone you miss and LOVE SO MUCH, be someone who you don’t know. How can a someone who is and will always be (in this lifetime) a stranger, mean so much you would give practically anything  to have them back. It is bizarre and endearing all at the same time.

Brief encounters article

Actually got an article  published…

Click on the August newsletter.

Today is a bad day

Everyday is a constant struggle, sometimes big sometimes small; a struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to do anything, a struggle to be happy. Days that I actually reach that point it is a struggle not to notice people’s faces as I am sure they are wondering how long it will last. Why I just can’t be normal already. Or of course…the “I know she is hurting but I am not sure what to say or how to say it”, or better yet…”lets not talk about it because that would mean opening a can of worms that, lets face it, no one wants to deal with”.
It’s been 7 months.
Normal does not exist in my world. I miss him. I miss me. I have no idea who I am anymore; I am struggling to find out. I am so far off from where I thought I would be at this point I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have my normal escape. My computer is broken and I am stuck on the desk top with noise surrounding me. It has taken me far too long to write this much…much less remember the point I was trying to make. So I have pent-up so much emotion I have almost reached a point of numbness.
Today I want to scream. I want to cry and I want to go off.
People don’t understand why I don’t care about their stupid drama. No one understands me but here it is straight. I don’t care about the little dramas in life anymore. My son is gone and next to that…your issues with me or what I may or may not be doing right are laughable. I have 3 things that matter to me; my relationship with God. my relationship with my family and that my son’s memory is honored.
I know that probably sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and being selfish and that may be the case but I don’t know how else to do life right now.
I am lost and clinging to God and my family are all I have got. It’s a struggle to even do that right.
I guess the bottom line is please be patient with me. I am trying.
On another note:
I have been trying so hard to figure out what I want to do for his birthday. Something great. Something Happy. A memorial birthday party but who will come with a smile? A smile a long with tears I can handle. Without the smile?? It would be miserable.
Here is what I have so far:
Some sort of party
Letters to Donavin tied to a balloon (although I would love a copy of all of them) to be released. (Although, a part of me feels bad about the balloons and littering aspect)
Money that would have been used on birthday presents donated to brief encounters.
Maybe some sort of memorial bench somewhere.
Of course a fabulous birthday cake ; )
I don’t know. I just want it to be great. I am open to suggestions. :)
Addy says:
She told me the other day that angels were going to come pick her up and take her to heaven and she would have fire in her hands and baby brother would be human again and he would live with us and not be “died.”  She misses him so much.

Comparing grief and getting braces?? Now she’s really lost it ;)

Grief. The ever-changing wheels of time we are all subject to is like a kid being forced to get braces. You know it will push the past behind us and brighten our future but at the moment it sucks and at times can be humiliating. In real life it is hard to look forward to the perfect smile and the idea of viewing this torturous experience as just a blip in the radar when at the present moment your mouth is full of shiny metal and you want nothing more than to tear your own teeth out as a last-ditch effort to make the pain stop.
Grief in many ways is the same. You know the hardships in your life are there to shape you into the person God wants you to be, or in actuality knows you are, and that eventually this trial, like all others in your life, will be just a blip in the radar. (Although, I think most will agree when it comes to loss that “blip” is generally the size of Texas) Still, that doesn’t change the torture we endure when we lose something we love so deeply. It doesn’t change the feeling of agony in the never-ending present.
It sucks and in ways can be humiliating. You wear your grief like a name tag or a scarlet letter. For those that know about your loss, you have become more fragile.To them you are an eggshell that they mustn’t break. For those that don’t know, You pray they won’t find out and try your best to hide the scarlet letter because if they do, you will get the dreaded “look” and be forever deemed as “the one who lost their baby.”
Then of course there is the guilt of not having straight teeth perhaps? or is it not honoring the one(s) you lost or maybe it’s that you are not grieving in a way that is comfortable to everyone else? No, that’s not it because that would mean you still had the will to care- The guilt comes from wishing you cared but more importantly the guilt comes from not honoring your loved one. Making sure their life was more meaningful than to just effect you.
The difference between a child getting braces and grief is that eventually, you will just view it as a blip in the radar and eventually the pain will disappear. Blips the size of Texas…dont disappear.
My story goes something as such. Just as the present is never-ending, so is my grief of the loss of my son.
Without God, everything would be unbearable.

10 months/3 years

Hey Bubba,

Well, you would have been 10 months old today.  I miss you soo much. I haven’t written in awhile.  The hurt is always here with me but the pain is farther away now.  At this point I would have been chasing you around the house keeping you from getting into whatever your little hands could reach.  I should be planning your first birthday and looking forward to your first Christmas with us. Instead…I am not much looking forward to Christmas at all. (Except of course to see the look on your big sisters face when the joys of the holidays show through.)  Your big sister misses you very much. She told me this morning that she wishes she could have held you. I wish she could have too. I am not sure why we didn’t let her at the time everything happened so fast the day we met you to say good bye. I wish I could hold you again.  My guess is that great grandma is holding you tight and giving you hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy and Big sister. She passed away this very day three years ago. November 12th, 2007. The 12th. You are going to be a big brother too! Mommy is due June 12th. 1 year and 6 months to the day since we said good bye to you. I will make sure your little brother or sister knows all about you. We all will.

I wish I could have known what you would have looked like at 10 months old. I look at other babies that were born around the same time you were and they are all so big! I can’t even picture it. I love you my son more then you will ever know.  I miss you so much but I am so glad all you know is blissful peace and happiness.  I wouldn’t be able to get by without knowing that you are more alive and happy than any of us will ever know in this lifetime


Total Pageviews