Thursday, January 12, 2012

Happy Happy Birthday My Boy

Dearest Donavin,

Well, today marks the 2nd year since you both graced us with your beautiful face and said goodbye. I miss you more with every day that passes and to be honest I am not sure how I have gotten through the last 2 years with out you. Scratch that, I know how. Its the power that keeps us connected. It is Jesus. You are safe in His loving arms and that gives me more comfort then even I can comprehend.
2 years old. You would be walking, talking, and if you are anything like your father...driving me nuts. ;) Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. I look for you in the face of every toddler that is about your age. Wonder what you would look like, sound like, smell like. I miss you.
You have more of my love then I ever thought was possible for someone I spent so little time with. I wonder what your celebration in heaven is like...I can't wait to be a part of it. I long for the day that I can hold you in my arms again. I long for the day our family is complete again. Until that day my sweet boy know that I miss you deeply and miss you more.

Happy 2nd Birthday.

"My Angel, my darling, my star, my love will find you wherever you are."

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

For Donavin

I want to scream to the world to remember
But I want them to see it on their own.
I want the world to need you with us
But know that you are safe at home.
I want to climb the rooftop to scream your name,
Only to get there and see others waiting to do the same.
I want your memory to be more than a fleeting thought.
I want people to look to you and get more than what they sought.
I want people to speak your name with a smile
Not turn your memory into a dated file.
I want others to say you mattered like you matter to me.
But no one will ever know, no one will see.

Been...... awhile.

So it has been about 6 months. I apologize for letting it go. Transitioning from one child to two has had me busy and left without much time to think let a lone write. So as I sit here tonight I feel as if I am getting together with an old friend whom I have missed dearly. You know the one you always promise to stay in contact with and secretly pray that THIS time you'll follow through :)

A little update....
 As the majority of you know I had a not so happy but perfectly healthy little girl. (She literally came out scowling) Her eyes lighten my world and to see the sisterly bond form between my daughters brings more happiness then I would have imagined. It has been a welcome adjustment to say the least.  She has made our family feel fuller. However, it is the eve of my son's 2nd birthday...and as he prepares to celebrate in heaven I am reminded it will never feel complete. I will forever have an emptiness in my arms and in my heart.

Its hard for me to believe it has been 2 years. At this point 2 years ago I was in labor and still so full of hope that I would soon be holding my living, breathing, beautiful, bright eyed boy. There are days when a part of me wishes I could go back to that point. Before I knew the tragic heartache of the loss of a child, a baby, our only son. It was a defining moment in my life. One that has brought more change in myself then any other event. Some for the better but their are still parts of me that are broken, parts that will never heal. I have learned so much in the last couple years. Some people are amazingly supportive and show you so in the most surprising ways but there are still those on the opposite side of that spectrum as well. Most importantly I have learned to live again. I have learned to enjoy life again. I have learned to cherish every second I have with those I love. I have learned appreciation. I have learned to look forward to the day I meet my sweet boy again and I am still learning to try not to long to go back to the time I had him with me. I still have days when it hurts as though it happened yesterday but most days I don't let the impact of it in enough to absorb those feelings. I let my son in and that is all I need.

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