Monday, January 31, 2011
I feel new. I feel refreshed. I feel like a better version of me. I am still a work in progress and still have much to learn from this experience and many more to come. I welcome all God has to give me weather its good or bad in my eyes because I know it is all for the best. Yet, I feel like many of my relationships with others have changed because of something I can't see. Many... have changed since my dear son died. People still look at me like something is missing, why can't I see what it is?
If I am not missing it, I can't help but wonder if it is a part of myself I would even want back.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
When I arrived to my appointment I was called in by a pleasant ultra sound tech. He said we were going to take some measurements and check on the clot and I asked if he planned to check on the position of the placenta he informed me they always do routinely obviously confused by my question. After starting the ultrasound I asked if my placenta had moved away from my cervix at all. He looked at me with a confused look and told me my placenta was no where near my cervix. It couldn't even be considered low lying. I asked him to double check as I have been told for the last 2 months that I had placenta previa that was fully covering my cervix. He checked all my ultra sound records, as I have had a few, and he found no record of me having placenta previa, at all. I told him that my doctor has told me I did and even went as far as telling me that if my placenta didnt move I would be at high risk for placenta accreta. I asked him to be sure and he showed me where in conjunction with my cervix my placenta was and if it was low lying how far it could have moved and mine was still miles away. My doctor made a mistake. People make mistakes and I completely understand that. I don't think he is a bad person because of it. I however, can not take it lightly. I was caused unnecessary stress and had to wrap my head around the possibility of this being my last pregnancy...because of that mistake. It definitely kills the confidence I had in the care I have been receiving. A bit frustrating.
However...I'M JUST ABOUT FREE AND CLEAR OF ALL COMPLICATIONS! MY SWEET LITTLE MISS WILL HAVE A MUCH BETTER CHANCE OF ARRIVING IN THIS WORLD SOUND, SAFE, AND ALIVE. The tech told me that the clot was less then half the size it was before and was confident that in 4 weeks I would be able to come back and no one would know it had been there unless they looked at my chart ;) Baby girl is looking good and healthy with a strong song of a heartbeat. I even got to see her sucking her thumb. It is the biggest breath of fresh air I have received in awhile. I couldn't be happier...well I am sure when she gets here sound and safe I will be overjoyed.
I have begun to feel her little kicks and I am absolutely in love with every single one of them. Another gift from her big brother, I have learned to cherish every moment. I am very excited about this baby inside of me. More then I would have thought possible at this point. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to enjoy a pregnancy after a loss...and it was not always like this. I am sure I will have fearful days but I am so grateful to be able to enjoy it as I do. I am grateful that I dont live every day in fear. I am grateful that today God took a lot more of my fear away. While it is frustrating that I had the unnecessary worry, I am grateful it wasn't the other way around. I am grateful that I don't have the extra complications.
Above all I am grateful for this precious gift of life I have growing so beautifully inside me.
*pic by Small Bird Studio
Sunday, January 23, 2011
We are getting ready to move...again. (Those of you that know us, know that its becoming an unwanted tradition.) I am looking forward to making a home again. I'm starting to go through our stuff in an effort to make this move as smooth as possible. In a weird way I think losing my son has helped me be better able to let go of some of the physical stuff in life. We all have it...you know the "someday stuff" that we will get around to doing someday because it will be useful or fun. Ya, I don't want it anymore. It is amazing how much we can collect that we really dont use. So it will be a cleansing, refreshing move. Now hopefully we can find a place. :) I saw the cutest little place in Newberg...I can totally picture us there but I dont think its what God has in plan for us. 1. because its the first place I found that fits our criteria and then some 2. because the landlords have not emailed me back yet and they didnt list a phone number for me to harass them at :(
We also have the cutest little girl who is about to turn 4 that I have to plan a party for. Last years ended up in the middle of our move so I am hoping we are done by then so I can give my 1st princess the attention she deserves. Especially before she has to split it with her sister. :) She is adorable when it comes to her baby sister. She loves and kisses and hugs her everyday. She is going to be a great helper.
I to am very excited for this new little princess to arrive. Today was the first day that I was nothing but excited. Today fear didn't cloud my mind for a minute. I enjoyed my pregnancy and this child inside me to the fullest and I have every intent to continue to do so.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What am I supposed to say to that? I can't exactly promise her that her little sister will be safe and in our arms knowing full well that it is not in my hands. I wouldn't even begin to predict what God has in store for us. I of course have faith that this time I will have a beautiful baby to bring home but I am mentally prepared for anything...well as much as I can be. How can you mentally prepare an almost 4 year old to expect anything. Especially one who has experienced so much death in her short little life already.
What did I say? Well, I told her that I wanted to bring little (insert name here) home too and that hopefully that is part of God's plan for our family but we will have to wait and see. (ughh, I hate telling her to wait and see...because I hate hearing it!)
So it wasn't perfect and I know it. I just have no idea what to say to that. She is so excited for this new little one. Even more so I think then her brother. I just pray that that kind of trial is over for her at least. She is so young for how much death she has dealt with. I just pray that she has been processing alright. It is not taboo to talk about any of the deaths we have had in our family, in our household. We have always talked about it as much as she wanted to, no matter how uncomfortable it was. Which is why, I am sure, she thinks it ok to tell random people ;)
Lord, guide me to guide her.
Small Bird Studio
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It was perfect. It was beautiful but comfortable. I just wish their would have been more time so that I could have talked to everyone longer. We raised nearly $500 for a couple of charities which is being donated in Donavin's name. It was a fun, joyous event. More then I could have hoped for. Thank you to everyone who came. I love you all and I know Donavin does too.
Ps. Will post pics when I get them.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today was a hard day. Today reminded me what a hard day really is. I wept for most of the first part of the day but I did so freely. I allowed myself to submit to my feelings and just be. To say I miss my son would be an understatement. I grieved and wept with everything within me. For MY loss. For my husband's loss. For my daughters loss. Never for Donavin's. Even through all the tears and hurt the truth was not far from my mind. He is at peace. He knows nothing but happiness. For that I will always rejoice.
Today showed me how far I have come. Today felt like the first few days following his death. It reminded me that even when I feel I have "hard days" its nothing compared to where I have been. God has carried me through the hardest experience of my life in ways I would have never imagined. He picked me up when I didn't realize I was falling. He never let my greif cloud my vision of the blessings that my family, including my son, has been given. Its ok with me that it will always hurt (I say as if I have a choice ;) because with the hurt is the constant reminder to be thankful for what you do have. Yes, I have lost my son but I have also gained a new respect and love for my husband, I have also gained a new joy in watching my daughter grow daily, I have also gained the knowledge that I have an amazing amount of love and support from people all around me. I have way more then I deserve and I will be eternally grateful to the Lord for that.
Happy Birthday Donavin. I love you.
On another note...I have run into a lot of people with that "I don't know what to say" face when they realize I am hurting and I have experienced this with others as well when I realize I am. I heard this song on the radio on my way home tonight. It said it perfectly so I thought I would share.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means more to me then you will ever know.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
This very moment a year ago I was in labor with a beautiful little boy. 2 weeks overdue I was ready and labor was welcome. I never imagined that I would be laboring to say good bye to my son. He was beautiful. He will always be beautiful to me. He will always be worth every second and more. I would do it all over again to hold him for just a minute. Knowing he exists is worth all the pain and grief I have gone through and am still experiencing. It will never be right. I will never be "healed. " It will always hurt a little and I am ok with that. That is the price we pay for love in any form. When you love someone unconditionally you agree to accept all the hurts and sorrow that comes with losing that person. I am ok with the hurt. I know it is mine. I know he was mine for a moment.
Tomorrow will be a year. I was asked how it felt that a year has gone by. It feels surreal. It doesn't feel like it is possible for that much time to have passed. It felt awkward to go through all the moments that I had imagined with him in them. It feels weird to be planning a fundraiser opposed to first birthday party. Nothing about loss and grief ever feels right. It has been a year of extreme growth. It has been both the worst and best year of my life. The worst because I never wanted to be able to say I have lost a child. The best because I am better because of my son. My family is stronger because of my son. My faith is stronger because of God's plan for my son. I have learned to let go of a lot of the things that in the end don't matter. I missed many milestones that my son should have hit this year. Opening his eyes, smiling, laughing, breathing, crawling, walking, picking foods he liked and those he didn't, playing with his big sister... the list goes on and on and will continue to do so throughout my lifetime. However, I would have to be blind to overlook the goodness that God has created through my son. Things that will live on through out this lifetime...and with any luck to generations to come. I have no doubt that his life will touch many, and if it brings one person closer to God then his life will have been well lived.
I lost my child. My son. My beautiful baby boy. I will see him again and when I do I will be able to say the words "I survived" until then...I am just surviving.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I have figured out the obvious...and I will consider myself a genius for it because thats just what I do. I stressed hard over this because I want everything to be perfect. This is the one huge thing (unless of course God has other plans) that I get to do for my son. I want it to be perfect. I want to raise a bunch of money to donate in his name and have everyone thoroughly enjoy themselves in the process. I want people to rejoice in his memory, not feel constant sadness.
I have 1 more day until his birth/death day. I have to say, it is very surreal. I can still relive, vividly, that day as if it were last week. The empty arms will always be a reminder though.
My beautiful boy I miss you dearly. While you are celebrating with Jesus we will be celebrating you down here. (Just a guess but I am sure your party is going to be MUCH more fun) So far I plan to take time to look at your beautiful face with the pictures we took, your big sister and I are going to bake you a cake...she is very anxious to use the big cupcake pan that Mommy just got so we saved that for your cake. Then we are going to the only home you knew...our home away from home, to celebrate with those that love you just as dearly and be closer to the place you once were. (Auntie is making Mommy some home made chicken noodle soup...I can't wait) and weather permitting we will visit the tree your Daddy carved and spread a little of your ashes so you are always there with us. Then Saturday we will celebrate with every life you touched. Oh and just so you know your birthday presents are going to help other tiny babies and parents of the ones that get to come to heaven with you. We love you and miss you so much. You are still very much a part of this family. I know Daddy really wishes you could be here...he is starting to get a little out numbered with your little sister on the way. I love you baby boy. Always will, forever and ever.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
|How do I feel about all of this? Well,. first let me say how thankful I am that our little GIRL is still alive and growing well. Secondly, I loathe the wait and see game. It is nerve wracking. I am a little nervous about another c-section but at this point a healthy baby and myself is all I can hope for. Although, the c-section is not set in stone just yet. I will be having a hospital birth. With all the complications in this pregnancy I feel that at this point I am being pushed in that direction. Which to me is in a weird way another loss. I so had hoped for the experience I know a homebirth/birth center birth can be. I really was hoping for another chance at that beautiful natural experience that I know is almost impossible in a hospital. Oh and for those that don't know me or much about homebirth...no, I am not a hippie ;) The thought of it getting to the point of having a hysterectomy is heartbreaking. The thought of not being able to try for another son is worse but I am not going to live in fear. I refuse. I have a beautiful baby girl inside me that I am ready to welcome to our family. It will happen on God's terms and I am ok with that. After all, it is not MY perfect world it is His.|
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
(or the epiphany that clicks for me that everyone in the world has already thought of but I think I am a guineas ;)
Life is like when you were a kid and putting the puzzle together didn't sound like fun... so you took every puzzle you had and dumped it into a pile just to through them in the air like rain because after all that sounds like MUCH more fun then putting the boring puzzle together. Then your Mom catches you and makes you put them all together so you can find the right pieces to the right puzzles and put them in their proper places.
Life is that pile of miscellaneous puzzle pieces.
Your one piece of the puzzle, looking for the pieces that fit to you. You find those pretty pieces that you try and force to fit to you with no luck, then their is the ones that almost fit but aren't a perfect match. Yet you go through life trying to find the ones that are meant for you and as you do you become more whole, more mature, more well-rounded. Once your puzzle is complete you can look back and see the glorious picture God painted from you and while each individual piece may not be beautiful the bigger picture is. When you start out as one piece its hard to see what you are...when you find a piece that connects but isn't pretty its hard to see the bigger picture. Its not until all the pieces are complete that you can truly see all of God's glory.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
8 days until we should be celebrating our beautiful boy's first birthday. I am not sure how that day is going to effect me. I am nervous. I sense that I will relive his birth over and over. I am pretty sure I will be useless to the world. I will go through every emotion I have in this last year in one day and then I will end it in a way that honors him...and gives his big sister an excuse to eat cake. Who wants to babysit for a few hours while Mommy jumps on an emotional roller coaster for a couple of hours?
One thing I will always remain sure of. I will never for a moment in my life wish it didn't happen. I can't fathom what my life would be without him being a part of it. I will have my moment and let my self weep for my loss but I will never deny the gain. This is the biggest milestone yet. Year one. I have had time to grieve and now its time to reflect and decide what to do with the lesson's God has taught me. For now I will write.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
"Unexpected joy" ...not words many would expect to find when referring to an outcome from a tragic event such as the death of my son. However, tragedy is not how I would describe it. God's path to the true longings of my soul would be more appropriate. Please do not misunderstand, I miss my son with everything I have. In my perfect world I would learn the lessons that God saw fit with him in my arms but my version of the perfect world is by far inferior to that of the Lord's.
I knew from the day I lost my son the basics of God's intentions. I can't give you details and some days it doesn't make sense to me but I can tell you this above every other feeling; the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the love, the confusion on the day my son was born stillborn I wanted nothing more than I wanted to be wrapped in God's arms. What I didn't know and am just now starting to realize is that he has never let me go.
Today, just 10 days away from the one year anniversary of my son's birth and death a friend came to me and gave me a book. It is titled "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. I will not go into the sweet sentiment that came along with it but I will tell you it touched my heart in a way that ignited my need share what this experience has been to me.
I have read one chapter in Mr. Crabb's book and the only reason I put it down was because I felt the need to get some words out of my head before I forgot them. I almost feel that I could rewrite his whole chapter with conviction because I have lived it. 3 things stuck out to me while reading. 1.) "Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story" 2.) God allows our suffering because it is the only way to get us to break down our walls enough to lead us to the depths of our soul and realize our strongest passions. 3.) Our strongest passion is a direct encounter with God. We just don't realize it.
I am excited to continue to read this book and hope to share my experiences with you.
With this new blog I have many hopes. First, as we come up on this one year mark I thought it would be good to reflect on the journey I have been on. I think that looking back at some of my previous feelings and thoughts (mostly from my previous blog) and reflecting on what God may have been trying to teach me is going to be a big part of my healing and journey. Afterall, the journey just started and I have a lot of ground to cover.
I would also like to share new thoughts and feelings. I am now carrying my 3rd child and there are a lot of emotions and thoughts that come with that as well.
I have big hopes and dreams for this but put quiet simply I write in hopes that God may use me to help someone else in whatever way he deems fit. However, if I am being brutally honest with myself...and you for that matter, I have a tendency not to finish what I start when it comes to my writing. So I hope to learn from this as well and better myself.
I ask this of you. If you know of a bible verse that you think relates to an article I write ...or even if you just want to share it with me, please do. I think it would be a wonderful way to be introduced to all the bible has to offer.
I am not going to set any boundaries with this blog or say it is about one thing in particular. No restrictions. I just wish to live in the now and revel in the unexpected joys of life.