Tuesday, January 11, 2011


This very moment a year ago I was in labor with a beautiful little boy. 2 weeks overdue I was ready and labor was welcome. I never imagined that I would be laboring to say good bye to my son. He was beautiful. He will always be beautiful to me. He will always be worth every second and more. I would do it all over again to hold him for just a minute. Knowing he exists is worth all the pain and grief I have gone through and am still experiencing. It will never be right. I will never be "healed. " It will always hurt a little and I am ok with that. That is the price we pay for love in any form. When you love someone unconditionally you agree to accept all the hurts and sorrow that comes with losing that person. I am ok with the hurt. I know it is mine. I know he was mine for a moment.

Tomorrow will be a year. I was asked how it felt that a year has gone by. It feels surreal. It doesn't feel like it is possible for that much time to have passed. It felt awkward to go through all the moments that I had imagined with him in them. It feels weird to be planning a fundraiser opposed to first birthday party. Nothing about loss and grief ever feels right. It has been a year of extreme growth. It has been both the worst and best year of my life. The worst because I never wanted to be able to say I have lost a child. The best because I am better because of my son. My family is stronger because of my son. My faith is stronger because of God's plan for my son. I have learned to let go of a lot of the things that in the end don't matter. I missed many milestones that my son should have hit this year. Opening his eyes, smiling, laughing, breathing, crawling, walking, picking foods he liked and those he didn't, playing with his big sister... the list goes on and on and will continue to do so throughout my lifetime. However, I would have to be blind to overlook the goodness that God has created through my son. Things that will live on through out this lifetime...and with any luck to generations to come. I have no doubt that his life will touch many, and if it brings one person closer to God then his life will have been well lived.

I lost my child. My son. My beautiful baby boy. I will see him again and when I do I will be able to say the words "I survived" until then...I am just surviving.


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