Saturday, January 8, 2011
Where to start? Well, it's 4 days until the year mark from my son's death. I have...somewhat planned a birthday celebration/fund raiser for a week from today. I say somewhat because I cant think straight on what needs to be done long enough to get it done and make a plan. I was hoping to have some help but everyone who I thought would be there is not and while I understand that everyone has their own lives its not to say it doesn't hurt. This is important to me and nothing is going right. It is important to me that when people think back on the memory of my son they have something good to think about. I don't want his memory to forever be tainted with sadness. Who wants that? I want people to think of him and think " good things came from his short little life." I had this great vision of everyone getting together and having a good time while raising money for some good charities and while people are coming I am terrified that it is just going to turn into this sad birthday party for a kid that died. I want people to have something to remember him by, something to look at and be reminded that good things did come from his short beautiful life. I had planned to have some bracelets made with his name and birthday. The order got screwed up and now if I truly want them it is going to cost me way more then I can logically agree to pay for the rushed process. It has been suggested that I make something like magnets or something which is a great idea but I am not the least bit crafty at all. My craft skills are about that of a kindergartner. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless...again. That was a feeling I didn't anticipate on this anniversary. I didn't ever want to feel so helpless again as I did that day. I know it is not in my control, I know it is in God's. I just wish this once he would let me in just a little on his plan. A part of me wants to cancel it. Just to ensure that it won't become the sad birthday party but I will feel like I will let him down if I do. I will let everyone down. I am not feeling very strong today. Lord, please give me strength. These hormones mixed with emotions are seriously doing damage to my tear supply.