I know how to handle it...well, let me rephrase that. I know how to lift it to God and let him handle it. I have done it before and he does a far better job with it then I do but I still have it. Fear. "the only thing to fear is fear itself" rings true. It seems like when I give in to one fear it opens the gates for many others. My biggest fear at the moment is this birth and making the right decisions for this baby girl, myself, and my family. The underlining for pretty much all my fear...the fear of the unknown. How do I know if the decisions I am making are the right ones? Do I let the politics and fear I have regarding my birth have a place in my decision making? Where would that leave me? I know in the end it is all up to God...I just don't want to interpret fear as guidance or guidance as fear. My first thought would be to go to the bible but I can't for the life of me think of where it would say something in regards to a hospital vs a birth center.
Ok, let me lay it all out for you.
I have been back and forth in this pregnancy as far as where the best place is to have my birth.
I believe God made a woman's body so beautifully. It really comes down to not only just how every muscle in a woman's body works together to labor and birth. but how the newborn baby works with it. It is amazing. Something only God could dream up. I believe he intended it as a natural process. And frankly. I know that the birth center would allow me the biggest chance to experience a birth in all its beauty.
There is fear of not being in a hospital and there is fear of being in one. The hospital has more tools on hand in case I need a c-section but thats the problem. I don't trust that the doctors in the hospital would assess the need in the same manner I believe in. For example I don't believe being a week "overdue" is cause for high concern or induction of labor. (Which is what led to my previous c-section) Yes, it is true that I don't have even close to a medical degree. However, I have done a ton of research in the matter. I believe labor is best left alone to do what God intended and that more times then not doctors intervene when it is not necisary due to time, money, and hospital restraints. (Hey, just being honest...they get paid more if they do a c-section and if they can save time in doing an hour surgery instead of waiting out a 36 hour labor why not) It is true, I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to doctor's due to previous experiences. I will never deny that. I would love to find one that I wholeheartedly believe has my daughters best interest as well as my own in mind as I do my midwife. I am sure doctor's exist like that out there. I just haven't found one.
Ideally, I would love to have my midwife do my birth in a hospital but unfortunately that is not an option.
So I ask this, is that the question? God's way; naturally w/intervention only as needed outside of the hospital w/of course the option to go if needed. (we could be there in 15 minutes and it takes 30 I have heard to prep an OR anyway) vs Man's way; with medical decisions based off time and money restraints with the security of being there just in case something goes wrong?
I will always do my best to choose God's way over mans but I can't help but wonder if that is the way I am perceiving this because I have a biased opinion based on previous negative experiences with doctors and if that someway my fear of the unknown when it comes to my birth is God's way of telling me to take another look at the picture or if it is just because I now know the tainted reality that sometimes, babies and/or mama's don't always make it through the beauty of birth. (ok, I am beginning to think me calling birth beautiful SO much might be a subconscious way of trying to take my mind off the pain that comes with it ;)
I know this. I will do whatever is best for this baby first and foremost. Even if that means having another c-section. I am ok with that. I just want to give her the best opportunity to arrive to this world as intended.
I know I need to birth in the place where I feel the most safe and comfortable. I just don't know where that is. I feel like its the birth center but I am just not 100%. Will I ever be?
I know I need to let go and let God handle my fear. I am just trying to find the best way to do that while deciphering between fear and guidence.
So this is me seeking counsel I suppose. I would love input. I know there are those of you who absolutely agree with out of hospital birth and those who strongly disagree. I am open to hear both sides but know that weather or not I have an out of hospital birth I will always be an advocate for them. I just need counsel on my personal situation...not out of hospital birth in general.
Oh, by the way I have been told by one doctor that I am considered high risk due to my previous c-section and the death of my son and told by another I am not considered high risk at all.
God has to be included in my life and this birth. Without Him I am nothing.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Been too long since I have been here. I almost feel like its a support group I have been avoiding. In a way thats what my writing is to me. A way to face what, sometimes I don't want to. Today it is the realization that if I want this precious little girl inside of me, I have to go through the labor and the birth. Birth, while something I find beautiful and wondrous, it scares the crap out of me. The worst part is I feel like it is going to surprise me when I am not the least bit ready for it. With my other pregnancies I have wanted the DD to hurry up and get here already...Now I am perfectly ok with it taking its sweet time. Why am I worried its going to sneak up on me? These next few months are busier than I have been in a long time. At this point the only weekends we don't have something scheduled for are the 3 prior to my DD. IN JUNE! Seems a bit insane to me. Even more so that I keep trying to pack more stuff into them. Yes, its true. I know I need to just put a hault to all the planning or I am going to put myself into an early labor but I like having plans. I like planning things. Takes my mind off the impending labor. When in actuality everything I have learned tells me I should be doing otherwise. I need to be preparing myself for it. This little girl needs all of me. She will get it. I will release my fears to God as always and as always He will do things in the manner He sees fit. I know in my heart everything will go as it should this time around. I will just breath a little easier when this little girl is safely breathing in my arms.