Thursday, January 6, 2011

Another One of God's Curveballs

Aww being pregnant again. Just about 18 weeks. A whirlwind of emotions came with the news and the ups and downs that came after. The first was shock and fear. It was hard to let myself feel excited...I needed to let go of my fear. I wrote the following the day after I found out I was pregnant.

"Holy crap. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am pregnant and am going to have a baby. Another baby. My emotions and feelings are all so contradictory. I am trying so hard to be happy. All my fear is getting in the way of it. I am so scared to let myself accept it and be joyful. I am scared I will lose this baby too. I cant imagine going through that again so soon. I cant imagine going through that again period. I cant imagine putting my family through that.
I am excited at the possibility of it. Addy having a sibling, Dustin having another baby around. I feel like it is a girl. I hope for Dustin it is a boy. I hope it is a boy too but I feel like it is a girl.

The weird way I knew makes me feel crazy. The rose I got as a gift from a dear friend after Donavin died, it was named "a new day." It had never bloomed before. Then all the sudden while we are gone on a mini vacation we come back to one full yellow rose. In the middle of October. Is that even normal? Do roses bloom in October? I don't think so. I took one look at that rose and I knew I was pregnant. At that point peeing on the stick was only confirming what I already knew. I didnt have the courage to do it until I read another baby loss mama's blog about her experience with having a baby  after a loss.

I am bound and determined to be positive about this. To focus on the moment. To enjoy my pregnancy and the life I have inside of me. It is all in God's hands and if it does turn out for the worst, well I will have enough time to be worried later.

Please help me to release my fear to you. Help me to enjoy this tiny baby inside of me. Please take my worries from me and help me to trust in your will. I need you Lord. I have a lot of fear about what is to come. I lift it to you Lord. Thank you for this baby. Thank you for this second chance. Please let it work out this time. Please let my baby live.
Give my love to Donavin. Tell him Mommy Loves him and always will but for now I have to focus on his little brother/sister. I know he understands and is in good hands.

Thank you Lord.

I was terrified. Even the thought of going through labor again scared me. I wanted another baby. I had for awhile but knowing it was already happening weather I was ready or not...was stressful. I spent 24 hours a little freaked out and then I let it all go. I decided that I was not going to waste another minute of this pregnancy. God blessed me with the gift of life inside me and I am going to focus on the beauty of it all but of course there were some concerns. I wrote this 2 days after I found out I was pregnant. 

"Excitement about the possibilities to come are setting in. I could really have another daughter or son living with us in less than a year! Addy could really have a living sibling! Dustin will have another son or daughter. Although, I really have to admit I really think it is a girl. I would be nice to have a boy but I am pretty sure it is a girl. As of now, God only knows and I am sure he let Donavin in on it. :) I wonder how that all works, Can Donavin talk to his little brother or sister? I hope they know each other. That would be awesome.
I am truly blessed. God has some amazing ways of answering prayers. This was the answer to many of our questions.
I am only going to enjoy every moment of being pregnant. I am going to try my best to only focus on the positive. This baby deserves it. I deserve it. Dustin deserves it. Their are too many negatives in life that seem to get more of the focus then the positives. I will focus on the positive and every moment I have. With God's help this will be a positive healing experience.

Something that is inevitable...peoples opinions about where and how I plan to birth. I have plan to give birth at the birth center this time. The birth center is not much different than a home birth. They just have the supplies there and everything is already set up and of course they are closer to the hospital.

The fearful part of me wonders if I should have a consult with an ob just to make sure everything is ok and I won’t see any issues. Although, I know that Donavin's death was a rare occurrence and the chances of that happening again are slim to none."

Yes, I had a homebirth with my son. He died. Do I believe the reason he died was because of it? Absolutely not. Besides the end result it was a beautiful experience and I really wanted another shot at it. Godwilling I was going to give birth in the birth center. 

Turns out, God doesn't seem to willing. 

We had a few weeks to get used the idea. We were all pretty excited about it. Addy was beyond excited and insisted that it was a girl (...and don't you dare try to argue the point.) We saw the my midwife a couple times. (and I do mean WE. She is amazing with Addy and let her participate with everything) My midwife showed Addy with some dolls how big the baby was and how big the baby had to grow before it could come out of my tummy. Which was awesome because it really helped it click for her the why to "no, the baby is not ready to come out now."Things were going smoothly. We still has some figuring out to do though. 

Then came Thanksgiving. I had to work that day but got off early. (Thank you God.) I stopped by my Mom's and wasn't feeling to great from what I assumed was because...well lets just say things had just started moving after being a bit backed up. So I headed home to get Addy ready for dinner at the family's later. I felt totally fine when I got home not that it was horrible. I turned off the car, opened the door. and moved one leg out to the side. Then I felt this gush of something. Frankly, I thought "oh! This is going to be so embarrassing!" Until I got out and realized it was a puddle of blood on my seat. As I felt it running down my leg, I was in shock. THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING! I called for my husband who quickly got the car seat in the car and then Addy in the car. We made it to the hospital in record time. Oh and by the way if anyone happened to be driving on the freeway that day and came across a truck honking and flashing his lights at you for apparently no reason....sorry. (Addy now thinks that you can just honk at the cars in front of you and they'll get out of your way) When we got to the hospital it was like our fast forward went to slow motion and the tears started coming. When I asked the nurses, they pretty much confirmed that it was most likely what I was thinking...a miscarriage. When Dustin and Addy in her little princess dress up dress came in it was everything I could do to keep the tears in. How am I going to tell this beautiful little girl that this baby is going to get to come home with us either??!?! It was harder as my kind hearted daughter was stroking my arm saying "it's going to be ok Mommy." So we go back and they did a pelvic exam and drew some blood. Then took me back for an ultrasound. Moment of truth. Praise God. Their was a heartbeat. The baby was alive and well and not showing any signs of stress. I got sent home with the diagnoses of a threatened miscarriage. It hadn't happened yet but the bleeding could be a sign of what was to come. I would see the dr and get another ultrasound on Monday. Monday came and the bleeding had lightened then stopped. After seeing the dr and doing the ultrasound I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma. which is a gathering of blood between the membranes of the placenta and the uterus. Mine had caused a small part of my placenta to detach and happened to be pretty close to where the cord was connected. From what I gather mine wasn't exactly on the small scale either. The concern was primarily the effect it could have on the size of the baby. With the hematoma being so close to where the cord was connected and having that small part of the placenta not providing nutrition anymore it could have potentially negative affects on the growth of the baby. Diagnoses...every Mom's worst nightmare. Wait and see. There was nothing I could do. I went for follow up ultrasounds and appointments and found that while my pregnancy is progressing the hematoma is not. It is stable. I did however find out that I also have Placenta Previa which when the placenta grows in the lowest part of the uterus and covers up part or in my case all of the opening to the cervix. Which of course means guaranteed c-section. In my case the dr said that it is possible for it to move as I grow. (another wait and see thing...beginning to see a pattern?) We will know for sure by 28 weeks. IF it doesn't move I was informed that because of my previous c-section that I will be at high risk for Placenta Accreta which is when the placenta attaches itself too deeply in the wall of the uterus. Diagnoses: Hysterectomy.

How do I feel about all of this? Well,. first let me say how thankful I am that our little GIRL is still alive and growing well. Secondly, I loathe the wait and see game. It is nerve wracking. I am a little nervous about another c-section but at this point a healthy baby and myself is all I can hope for. Although, the c-section is not set in stone just yet. I will be having a hospital birth. With all the complications in this pregnancy I feel that at this point I am being pushed in that direction. Which to me is in a weird way another loss. I so had hoped for the experience I know a homebirth/birth center birth can be. I really was hoping for another chance at that beautiful natural experience that I know is almost impossible in a hospital. Oh and for those that don't know me or much about, I am not a hippie ;)  The thought of it getting to the point of having a hysterectomy is heartbreaking. The thought of not being able to try for another son is worse but I am not going to live in fear. I refuse. I have a beautiful baby girl inside me that I am ready to welcome to our family. It will happen on God's terms and I am ok with that. After all, it is not MY perfect world it is His.



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