Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Beautiful Mess

Donavin's birthday has come and gone. In a bittersweet way it is freeing. I spent a lot of days wondering what that day would be like. Would it hurt...yes, it hurt. Would I relive the moment I realized he wasn't going to wake up?  Over and over again. I needed it. I needed to feel that again so I could remember what a great impact he had on me. I heard somewhere (and please forgive me if I am wrong) that in the Jewish religion you have a year to grieve. I don't know the details of that but in my experience I feel it is true. I will always miss my son and a part of me will always hurt but as I have said before that is the price we pay for loving someone unconditionally. It is a price I pay gladly. However, since his birthday I have felt refreshed. I feel that I have had a year to grieve in any way I needed to and celebrated his life at the end of that year in a beautiful way. I feel like now its time for a fresh start. Time to get rid of the useless clutter in our lives and continue to grow as God intends. Especially, bringing us closer to him and closer as a family. Donavin will always be included. He is a part of us and who we are now.

We are getting ready to move...again. (Those of you that know us, know that its becoming an unwanted tradition.) I am looking forward to making a home again. I'm starting to go through our stuff in an effort to make this move as smooth as possible. In a weird way I think losing my son has helped me be better able to let go of some of the physical stuff in life. We all have know the "someday stuff" that we will get around to doing someday because it will be useful or fun. Ya, I don't want it anymore. It is amazing how much we can collect that we really dont use. So it will be a cleansing, refreshing move. Now hopefully we can find a place. :) I saw the cutest little place in Newberg...I can totally picture us there but I dont think its what God has in plan for us. 1. because its the first place I found that fits our criteria and then some 2. because the landlords have not emailed me back yet and they didnt list a phone number for me to harass them at :( 

We also have the cutest little girl who is about to turn 4 that I have to plan a party for. Last years ended up in the middle of our move so I am hoping we are done by then so I can give my 1st princess the attention she deserves. Especially before she has to split it with her sister. :) She is adorable when it comes to her baby sister. She loves and kisses and hugs her everyday. She is going to be a great helper.

I to am very excited for this new little princess to arrive. Today was the first day that I was nothing but excited. Today fear didn't cloud my mind for a minute. I enjoyed my pregnancy and this child inside me to the fullest and I have every intent to continue to do so.


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