I view this journey in my life like climbing a mountain. (I know real original right?) The difference is my mountain is made of sand. I climb and I slide, climb and slide. Hoping one day I will make it to the top. My journey doesn't go up quickly. You see, as I climb and slide and climb and slide the sand packs and gets a little more stable. The sliding happens less and less but it's still sand it still happens from time to time. I still have a whole mountain ahead of me. My mountain is a slow journey. The sand is lessons I have yet to learn. I am eager and full of hope. I know when I reach the top I will see my son again but for now I am still enjoying the incredible view of all that is around me.
8 days until we should be celebrating our beautiful boy's first birthday. I am not sure how that day is going to effect me. I am nervous. I sense that I will relive his birth over and over. I am pretty sure I will be useless to the world. I will go through every emotion I have in this last year in one day and then I will end it in a way that honors him...and gives his big sister an excuse to eat cake. Who wants to babysit for a few hours while Mommy jumps on an emotional roller coaster for a couple of hours?
One thing I will always remain sure of. I will never for a moment in my life wish it didn't happen. I can't fathom what my life would be without him being a part of it. I will have my moment and let my self weep for my loss but I will never deny the gain. This is the biggest milestone yet. Year one. I have had time to grieve and now its time to reflect and decide what to do with the lesson's God has taught me. For now I will write.