Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Been...... awhile.

So it has been about 6 months. I apologize for letting it go. Transitioning from one child to two has had me busy and left without much time to think let a lone write. So as I sit here tonight I feel as if I am getting together with an old friend whom I have missed dearly. You know the one you always promise to stay in contact with and secretly pray that THIS time you'll follow through :)

A little update....
 As the majority of you know I had a not so happy but perfectly healthy little girl. (She literally came out scowling) Her eyes lighten my world and to see the sisterly bond form between my daughters brings more happiness then I would have imagined. It has been a welcome adjustment to say the least.  She has made our family feel fuller. However, it is the eve of my son's 2nd birthday...and as he prepares to celebrate in heaven I am reminded it will never feel complete. I will forever have an emptiness in my arms and in my heart.

Its hard for me to believe it has been 2 years. At this point 2 years ago I was in labor and still so full of hope that I would soon be holding my living, breathing, beautiful, bright eyed boy. There are days when a part of me wishes I could go back to that point. Before I knew the tragic heartache of the loss of a child, a baby, our only son. It was a defining moment in my life. One that has brought more change in myself then any other event. Some for the better but their are still parts of me that are broken, parts that will never heal. I have learned so much in the last couple years. Some people are amazingly supportive and show you so in the most surprising ways but there are still those on the opposite side of that spectrum as well. Most importantly I have learned to live again. I have learned to enjoy life again. I have learned to cherish every second I have with those I love. I have learned appreciation. I have learned to look forward to the day I meet my sweet boy again and I am still learning to try not to long to go back to the time I had him with me. I still have days when it hurts as though it happened yesterday but most days I don't let the impact of it in enough to absorb those feelings. I let my son in and that is all I need.


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