How Great It Is...

I used to worry about offending someone by talking about God. Now, I worry more about not speaking his name.

Our God is amazing beyond words.
To KNOW him is to know love beyond measure.
To KNOW him is to know purpose and hope.
To KNOW him is to know yourself.

 Only he has the ability to show you your true self, your true nature, your true passion, your true motives, your true being.

To KNOW him requires time. Not just church on Sundays, but everyday.  I have never felt I was on a clear path until I spent time actively listening to the Lord, everyday. The more time I spend, the more natural it feels, the more our relationship grows, the more he makes me grow.

I follow instructions well. He gives instructions well. Its a match made in....well, you get the idea.

I stand in awe of the clear messages he gives when you actually listen. The lesson's keep on coming. I am soaking it up! I am still uber excited about it.... and Him. I can not believe I have been attending church for 7 years and I am just now experiencing him like this. I can clearly see why I wasn't feeling the intensity of his love as I am now. I couldn't have. I wasn't listening.

Don't get me wrong. We talked. He carried. He loved. He always loved. I loved.

But like any one sided relationship....their was no passion. I let myself be intimidated, lazy, offended, judgmental, hypocritical.  (Okay, That was slightly harder to write then anticipated)

I was waiting on God to do all the work. Most of the time, without even realizing it. Until, I was challenged to go to him daily. Pray, read, think. Everyday. Then discuss what I learned and be held accountable. I was hesitant because I didn't know if I would follow through but I prayed and made the commitment to God and to myself. It was the best decision I have EVER made. I found God and he showed me who I really am.

I mess up all the time. I don't SOAP EVERYday. I intend to but sometimes for one reason or another it doesn't happen but I do spend time talking to him daily.   (We are pretty much BFF's we talk ...like...all the time! ;)

Nothing compares to living FOR HIM. There are so many things I have tried to do on my own and it just wasn't working because it was about ME....not HIM.

I could go on and on...apparently. (Being that this was one of those "what should I write about tonight?" posts)

So if you haven't yet, make God your first priority in life. I DARE YOU! You will forever stand in awe at just what he has to say when you listen. I know I am and will forevermore.

Ps. and PLEASE ask questions. I love excuses to talk about Jesus!

Lessons Being Learned

   For the last few months my relationship with God been growing intensely.  I have changed. My perspective has changed. As challenging as it is, I am loving it. It has allowed me to break out of the shell I had created and follow God's will for me on a more intent and active basis.

   Over this time I have noticed patterns of lessons that God has wanted me to work on. The first was to spend time with him daily. Not because I felt like had to but because I wanted to. The second was trusting him completely. (Which I outlined a little more in my recent Bump In The Road  post.)

  Well, recently SOAPing (aka journaling) and my quiet time have revealed to me the importance of insuring that my heart is in the right place at all times. I had been thinking about that all day actually, only to go to a meeting at church last night and it be the primary topic of conversation for our Children's ministry volunteers.

   The question I have been asking myself is "Is God at the forefront of EVERYthing I do?" And while the I would love to say yes, if I am being honest with myself (and you) it is no. I tend to get caught up in other peoples approval. Weather it be my husband, family, or friends I try to do things to make them happy. When I need to be seeking God's approval and doing things for HIS glory and not my own.
I love to serve people and that is not a bad thing. I just need to make sure I am doing it for God FIRST and foremost.

   Which brings the question "what is serving exactly?" Is it just when I teach or help out at church or do something extra special and nice? No, I have come to embrace that it is everything I do. I can serve God by taking care of myself as well as taking care of my family, etc. I can serve him by doing things that may be way outside of my comfort bubble. As long as everything I am doing is for His glory and not my own.

   It is easy to lose track of the reason behind what we do. I think that while I was serving with a loving heart and good intent I wasn't making God my reason why all of the time. Which is not easy for me to admit at all. (Is admitting we are not perfect ever easy?)

   So with that being said, I am on a mission to make him the center of my everything. When I make dinner for my family it is not for my glory or my husbands (sorry honey) it is for God's. When I parent my children it is for God's glory not so I can be a "good mom." When I do or say anything I will do it for the glory of God. I am not perfect. It will not be a perfect mission. I will have bumps in the road but I will actively try to bring him Glory and continue to grow in him.

Ps. As if all other "signs" weren't clear enough this is the song I heard on the radio this morning.

Reflections

   Well, another year has passed. It has been 3 years since I said goodbye to my little man. A rough and powerful 3 years. As usual I silently wished the world would stop and take notice on his birthday. Stop everything and remember him. Don't they know how special he is? Looking back, this is not a new feeling. I remember leaving the house for the first time after he went home to the Lord and being hit with the harsh reality that the world does in fact keep turning. People were still going on with their everyday lives as I was breaking over and over again as each minute past. There is a irrational part of me that finds that extremely unfair. It was the salt in wound.
   While a part of me still silently wishes everyone would stop and remember I know that the world is still turning and a lot of people have moved on. I never will and I am okay with that. Because while there are many people who probably forgot or didn't know what to say, their are still a big group of people that go out of their way to show me that they remember him and love him. I received texts starting at 12am and they didn't stop until 11pm. I also received flowers, calls, Facebook messages, etc. People showed their love in amazing ways.  I will forever be grateful for those that take the time to do the little things, especially the prayers, that help heal the hurt.

One of the many text messages I received that meant the world to me!

   We had a good day. I tend to start the mourning process the night before as I remember being in labor, being pregnant with him, holding him, what he looked like etc. I realized that I wanted people to remember like I do. To be able to see his life as I did. So I made the tribute video. I stayed up way to late because once it was in my mind that I was going to do it, I was not stopping until it was complete. It was frustrating because each time I saved or uploaded it took at least 45 minutes (and if you know me you know that their is always a million drafts.) I was exhausted so I hit upload and went to bed at some point in the am time frame.
   I woke up and decided my bed was a pretty good place for me and stayed until the hubby came to check on me. I finally got up and went straight to work on the video (that unconveniently didn't work while I was sleeping) After hours of editing and uploading I lost my final draft due to a computer glitch.I had to get this done! It had to be up on his birthday! I didn't have any more thing to spare as I had to run a few errands so I hit upload one last time and hoped for the best. The result was my second to final draft. It successfully uploaded so I figured it was meant to be and tried to let the imperfections go (still trying to talk myself out of revising it to add the pictures that were left out and fix obvious timing issues) . If you missed it before here it is.

   SO...video behind me. We ran our errands and came home. We were joined for dinner by my in-laws and my seester and her husband. It was nice to just be. We were sitting there chatting as my in-laws and oldest daughter were watching the video. (Not thinking of course about the repercussions of the emotional 5 year old.) She of course did what would be expected and we (my husband and myself) went to console her. And in her room we wept. Together. As a family who has lost one of its own. Together in each others arms we cried for our baby boy. The loss of our only son and only brother. It was beautiful.
   After we dried our tears we remembered how grateful we were that he was a part of our family. How he was worth celebrating. How grateful we were that he was at home with the Lord, in the place we all long to be. So we went and put his monster trucks (requested by big sister) on his cake, lit his "3" candle and sung "happy birthday" to our baby boy. It was a perfect way to end his day.

Happy Birthday Little Man

My sweet boy,

There are so many things I could say but it is nothing you haven't heard. I miss you. I wonder what you would look like. Sound like. Be like. All of which you know. I have been making a movie to document your life when I realized that I didn't just lose my child but I lost a life. We are doing the best we can to live it for you. I can hardly wait until I get to feel you again. I love you my son. More then I imagined possible. I miss you with everything I am. Have a great birthday in Heaven my boy. Don't eat too much cake. ;)

Love Mommy.

I came across this letter I wrote immediately after he went home to the Lord. It suprises me how true every word of it still is. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live with it.

My Dearest Son,

Wow, words can not describe just how incredibly much I love you and miss you. There are so many things I had wanted to do with you and see you do in your life. I keep imagining what your smile would have looked like. I know it would have been beautiful just like you were.It brings me warmth just thinking about it. No one can ever take your place in my heart my baby boy. Everything I feel is so overwhelming. I have such joy and peace knowing that you are happier then I can even fathom in this life. You know more happiness then I will ever know until I see you and God. I couldn't have wished for anything better for you. The pain I feel is my own, not for you my Donavin. I know you will never experience pain. I know you can see me and your Daddy and your big sister and know how much we all love you. You are still very much a part of this family even though you didn't get much time with us. You will always be our baby boy. Our first born Son. Addyson's baby brother. You have such an amazing Daddy. He had so many plans for things you guys could do together, so much he wanted to teach you. He loves you more then I can imagine or even try to explain but he too is so happy for you. He knows there is no better place in this world for you. He knows that God and Great Grandma are taking care of you. Your big sister was so excited to meet you.She too loves you very much. She gave you lots of kisses when you were in Mommy's belly. She also insisted that you had to share your toys and loved to try to wake you up when you were sleeping in my belly. She is sad she didn't get to see you but she know's you are with Jesus and although she is young I think she understands that you are in a better place. We all suffer a great loss with the loss of your life and it will not be easy to overcome but we can not overlook the joy you've already brought us and we definitely can't overlook the joy you are and will be forever experiencing. You are so loved by so many people my sweet sweet boy. I will see you again someday and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Until then we will live in honor of your memory always striving to be closer to God and closer to you. I love you my baby boy, my Son, my Donavin. I will miss you always.

Love,

Mommy

Bump in the road

Yesterday. Sweet yesterday.

Started out not so sweetly. According to me.

I was having a heavy morning.  Parenting, money, and the impending birthday of my son were all weighing on me a little more so then usual. I had just picked up my daughter from school and was on my way to get boxes so she could pack her things as part of her resent "consequence." I got to the store went in with hungry, tired children.

 Annoyed by the 3 small boxes we got, I loaded them in the car to go home.

Until, my car didn't start. Tried again. Nope, not happening. I am sitting in my car with my 2 tired and hungry girls and the dog. Are you kidding me?! It is raining and I have no one close by to call for help. What I am I going to do!?

I have to walk home. With 2 girls and the dog. Its only a block BUT it is down a busy street with no sidewalks and did I mention it is raining. Oh, and the dog loves to pull me. (pretty sure he thinks I am playing tug-of-war with his leash)

This is awful.

The stresses of trying to keep the girls (and the dog) safe, the money involved in whatever was wrong, and the "how in the world is my oldest going to get to and from school the next 2 days?", were all so overwhelming. I walked home, fed the girls, went to my room, dropped to my knees, prayed, and cried. Then I called my sister and cried some more.

I was in crisis mode. I was stressed and worried.

Here is how the day really happened:

I slept longer then I knew I should have setting myself up for disaster. I was planning on going to Safeway which is a few miles away from my house and driving by Grocery Outlet I made the last second turn for no "apparent" reason. (I really didn't have any desire to go there as I feared it would not yield results) When I realized I was going to have to walk home my youngest was not wearing shoes, had a sweatshirt with no hood on, and I had the dog with no leash. I found both socks and shoes, a warm hat, and a leash in my car. I had everything I needed to get home with out too much trouble. (Which again, was only a block away instead of a few miles) We made it home safely.

We have road side assistance included in our insurance so we could have the truck towed home for free. Which we didn't in fact need. My husband was able to get off 2 hours ahead of schedule and go jump the battery. It started right up. He then went to the part store who determined it was in fact the battery and not something far more expensive.

In fact, the battery was under warranty. It would cost us nothing at all to fix.

We all made the trip to Costco together. Had some pizza while the husband was exchanging the battery. And lived happily ever after.

The moral of the story?

How big is the storm really when you have God on your side? It could have been so much worse. It pretty much happened as perfectly as it could if it were going to happen and there is no way that was all just a product of "good luck." No, that was the product of God looking out for us, for me, and I am pretty sure my sanity. ;)

I learned that I would have saved myself a whole lot of stress and tears if I would have completely trusted and relied on God from the very beginning. Once I completely lifted the problem to him I was able to see the mountain for what it really was. Nothing but a little bump in the road.

Truth be told, I am slightly embarrassed at how I let it get to me. I know better. I am however, laughing at myself (pretty sure God is too as you know we as parents tend to find amusement in the way our children think and do things sometimes) and I thought you might be able to use a good laugh as well.

The cost of my breakdown ;)

Storm Before the Calm

Here we are.
  5 days away from my baby boy's birthday.
 Yet, again I am reminded of the 3rd birthday party I am not planning. No decorations or presents. No 3 year old. I feel robbed of the sweet innocence of a 3 year old little boy. I feel robbed of the craziness that comes with having a boy. Especially, a toddler. I strenuously try to imagine what it would be like. I know I have no idea. I know I never will.  You hear it all the time, girls are so different then boys. I will never get to experience that difference. Its heart wrenching, tear producing, horror each time I remember that I have a son who I do not get to experience raising. I know someday I will get to feel his embrace in life after but days like today that produces little comfort as my arms hang heavy longing to embrace the warmth and weight that only my 3 year old Donavin is able to produce. It is not only a emotional longing but the sensation is so intense it is actually physical.

  The days before his day, the weight builds. Its heavier and heavier. The weight of the loss. All we are missing without him here. All of the unanswered questions. The never ending knowledge that without him here our family is not complete.

   Adding to the weight is an irrational fear I have, that people will forget him. Because every year I am pleasantly surprised by all those who take the time who share that they were touched by his life with sweet gestures and kind words. I just worry that as time goes by he will be so far in the past that the distant memory of his short sweet life will be forgotten.

  On his birthday I release it all. I dive into everything I have left of him and with each tear my load gets lighter. Until what I am left with is an unending love for him and gratitude to God for giving him what he only could.

  We celebrate his sweet life. We have cake and sing "Happy Birthday." We are grateful for his life and his impact on us. We will always celebrate that.

January Sucks

   January.

  Is it over yet?

January is not just a hard month for me but my family as a whole. 3 years ago we not only lost our only son but 2 weeks later we also lost my husband's grandpa. I said it then and I will say it now. January sucks.

I am trying to not hate the WHOLE month these days and just THE specific days but it is difficult when I change the calendar and see January. I know what is coming. The one day a year that I  unleash the grief and great loss. I submerge myself in everything I have left of my boy. I try to imagine what he would look like at 3 years old. 3 YEARS OLD! It seems like forever ago and it seems like yesterday. There is weight my arms will never hold again. That is still, 3 years later, hard to wrap my mind around.

This year is going to be a little different as I mourn a new loss. The place where he existed physically to me is no longer available for me to visit. For the first time I can not sit in only place in the world I held him in my arms. I can not walk the path my husband did to carve his initials on that tree. I have to let go of the place where I actually felt his skin against mine. I am having a hard time with that. I know it will be ok eventually and logically I know it is just a place and he is a part of me wherever I am.

 

But there is that part of me that longs to relive the day over again in its completeness. The blanket I had wrapped around me, the smell of my surroundings, and the soup that was the only thing that could make me feel warmth. I want all of it back just to bring me closer to him. To that moment when he was still mine.

The blanket wasn't mine. The surroundings are gone and I can never make the soup taste right. My son is gone. Truth be told, he was never mine. He was God's and God called him home. As much as it aches, I love him more for it.

New Year, No Fear.

 
  This past year I have let go. I have let go of the burdens and chains that come with fear and negativity. Sure, I still have bad days. I still get irritated but I have learned to let go. I have learned a sense of peace that comes with lifting the heaviness of the negative up to God. I have learned to focus on the light of the world and not the darkness. I know its there but I choose to focus on the light. Some people might call that immature but truthfully I think its immature not to. So many people get caught up in the negativity in the world that it tends to take the priority above the light. The news rarely shows you the good stories because the public wants to focus on the bad. Materialism has taken the place of kindness in the world. I refuse to let it consume me. I refuse to teach my kids that it is more important to have something shiny then help someone in need. I refuse to live in the fear of the unknown. I instead choose to live in the gracious light of the Lord.  (Yes Ma'am...I am on a role. 3 in a row! I am trying for the Bible Thumper Maniac of the year award ;)  I found this picture online that pretty much sums it up perfectly.

   The last time I wrote a new year's resolution I was in high school. Sure the occasional goal was written and forgotten about but I've certainly been living step by step without a clue as to what was at the top of the stair case. I just could not see through all the nonsense in my life.

<insert theme song "I can see clearly now , the rain is gone!" here>

  Yes, my friends, I can indeed see clearly and while I may not know exactly what is at the top of that stair case I can tell you that with God by my side I am excited to get there. I know that He is in charge of my life and that is exactly how I am supposed to be living. Which in deed, has made things much clearer. I can see steps ahead taking shape and I have more stamina then ever to get where ever he is leading me.

  I know that he is leading me because I am eager to start and end my day with him. I get on here with the intention of writing nothing in particular and this is what comes of it. My love of the Lord. My passion for my life with the Lord. My new bff! Oh yes, I am one of the Nerd girls who calls Jesus her best friend. <Insert rainbows and sunshine here....actually rainbows would be appropriate> Aren't you excited?

  With the Lord, I have new resolutions. Not just new year resolutions. I have a passion to learn, teach, know and talk to the Lord in an ever-going en devour. I have come to know his love in a great way and it has been unleashed inside of me. I want more then ever to share that love with everyone I know. (you haven't notice right?) I have let go of my fear of being judged as a bible thumper and embraced it. (after all, all the cool kids are doing it)  (unless, of course that includes standing in front of people who are expecting words to come out of my mouth...that is just a train wreck waiting to happen) This is how I intend to live this and every year coming forth.

I have however come up with a few focus points for the year: 

Spend more time in prayer. 

1 Thessalonians 5:17 ~ Pray without ceasing

Psalms 145:18 ~ The LORD is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth.

1 Chronicles 16:11 ~ Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

Treat my body better. Get healthier. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 ~  So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 

1 Corinthians 9:27 ~ But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 

Be a better steward with the money God provides. 

Proverbs 21:20 ~ In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has. 

Romans 13:8 ~ Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 

Proverbs 22:6 ~ Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. 

Improve the Wifey and Mommy skills.  

Proverbs 31:10 ~ An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 ~ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

Proverbs 14:1 ~ The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. 

It can all be summed up to say:

Be more like God intended me to be. 

  I have spent a lot of my time in recent posts talking about me....Tell me about you. What is the most life affecting lesson you have learned this year? Any bold aspirations for the new year? Any tips or advice you want to give me for mine?? I'm all ears.

Reflections

   I often wonder what my 16 year old self would have to say to my present self. It is no secret that as a teenager I was lost, living with no direction. I had no big plans for the future but I had so many judgments on how others lived its almost embarrassing. I fantasized about getting married and having children, daydreaming about what they would look like, my family. That's it. That's as deep as I went. I was living each moment clinging to my youth without a clue as to what was missing. I dove into drama. I had to rescue others from persecution when all the while I was merely including myself into the chaos. I was a teenager. I had issues just as everyone else on the planet did. I could blame many factors on my upbringing but its meaningless to do so. I was a teenager and I knew everything... about nothing.

   Today I know nothing about everything...or so it seems. My hunger for knowledge is my addiction and truthfully in this day and age quiet the challenge. It seems everywhere you turn you can find 1,000 different opinions and little to no actual facts. Not to mention, the million or so distractions that require your attention prior to your literary infatuation. So the knowledge thing is a meaningless pursuit without a foundation on which to base it.

   So I got to thinking. What is my foundation? What makes me tick and thrive? What is it that makes my life worth living? (Here is where my 16 year old self would have judged my present self as a bible thumper and continued to tune out while smiling and nodding and screaming of boredom inside.)This one is a no brainer.
God.
 (Yes, I know second post in a row in which I become a bible thumping maniac. ps. Someone should really make a rap song out of that) But the words are beating their way out of my fingers and can't be stopped. Ok, truth be told I have no intention of stopping them . People that knew me back then, my 16 year old self included, would laugh in sheer amusement about the words that are about to come from ME.

   God is the sole reason I am a somewhat normal, functioning, human being at this point and really every point in my life, even without my knowledge of it. I have had trials. Shocker right? My point is that I shiver at the thought of my 16 year old, love for Jesus-less-ness, self going through the trials I have. My guess is that without him I would still be that 16 year old who knew everything about nothing version of my self finding other addictions to fill the void in my life as so many others around me have done.

   This year is nearly over and I have to say this has been a big year...or more realistically few months worth of growth for me. I have, through this amazing "transformeter challenge" study at my church, found this incredible way to connect and communicate with God. It has unleashed a new found passion in me. Actually a few but who is counting. Primarily my passion for knowledge. I love to read. I love words and wouldn't you know...the bible is FULL of them. Good ones too! Hence the foundation aspect. I love to learn and in a world where the truth is hard to decipher it is monumental to have the foundation and truth of God and the bible to stand on. It has allowed me to find my voice even with the knowledge that at times people may not want to hear it, others it may be too quiet or even be too loud, and it may come with the tears of being a shattered person with many broken pieces I, or more accurately God, is still gluing back together.

If I could talk to that 16 year old it would go something like this.

Undisclosed age me:
   You wonder about your future self and here I am ! We are married to D. Yes, D! Marriage is hard. It is not a fairy tale. It is better but it is a challenge. We have 3 beautiful kids. 2 living. 2 beautiful girls breathing and healthy, precious gifts from the Lord. Parenting is another one of those not a fairy tale, challenging, but wondrous things. And an amazing relationship with Jesus!

16 year old me:
   Wait? We had a child die? How are you still alive speaking to me?! The world had to have ended right?! and did you just say Jesus?

Undisclosed age me:
   Yes, we had a handsome baby boy who was meant for heaven. He was one of the best gifts we have ever received from...yes, God. We have an amazing, ever growing relationship with Jesus and that IS the best gift we have ever received.

16 year old me:
   Great so you are telling me that I lose a son and turn into one of those know it all, better than you Christians that think they are all high and mighty. That's just great...I am thrilled. (accompanied by extreme amounts of sarcasm.)  How in the world (ok, being honest...at 16 probably wouldn't have used the word "world.") did that happened?

Undisclosed age me:
   No, I am telling you that you have an amazing husband, 2 wonderful, smart, beautiful girls, a son who has taught you more than you could have ever hoped to learn about life, love and God. A relationship the Lord unlike anything words know to describe. A relationship that has shown you a love you don't even know how to wish for and taught you that you are in fact better than NO one and broken and shattered like everyone else but that is okay because you in fact ARE loved now and even then by a forgiving, gracious God who just wants you to love yourself like he loves you, so that you can love others they way he does. Not to mention the many other perks that come from loving him and embracing his love.
I am telling you that you have more than you even know to dream of and you have more love you never knew existed.

   So there it is. My conversation with myself...ok maybe I should rethink this post. Oh well, its out so its happening.

In conclusion:
(yes, I have a  point after all!)
   This year has had its ups and downs, trials and celebrations and a whole heck of a lot has changed but I honestly think that the biggest thing that has changed has been my perspective. I had God in my life before but now I am trying to see my life through God's eyes and live accordingly. I have judged myself and my relationship with God based on where I believe others are in their relationship with God. So basically I was judging myself based on where I judged others to be. Tell me why I am JUST now seeing something wrong with that picture? Just as you can not judge your relationship with other people based on their relationships with others, you can not judge your relationship with God based on others relationships with him. (Confused yet?) My problem was that I wasn't aware I was judging. I was looking in awe at their seemingly perfect relationship with God. Without a clue of how to get what they had. Without a clue that I was neglecting my own relationship with him.  Once I gave that burden of judging back to the Lord our relationship soared.  As did my passion to know him and know of him and to share his undying love with others.

   I am Christian. I am human. I make mistakes. I sin. I sometimes judge when its not my place or swear when I get too easily frustrated. I have not always been the greatest example of what a person with good morals looks like.  My life is not perfect. It is a beautiful mess but my foundation is firm so I can stand strong in the Lord and know that my mistakes do NOT define me. How I accept and show His love DOES.

   We're pretty tight, me and God. We both laugh at my illogical ways of thinking sometimes but I am human and he is cool with that and I am learning to be too.

The warm fuzzies of the not warm or fuzzy.

When you've experienced an emotionally intense day such as mine. It is hard to put the words into play that you yourself want to hear. They dance around my head taunting my presence in front of the computer. "You are here with an open blog, now what profound insight have you for us?."
I have nothing. My words are nothing and mean nothing without the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am nothing without him.
I have God in my life. <-----oh ya, I just went there. But wait there is more! (please note you have now been forewarned) I am no where close to perfect. I have more flaws then I can count but I also have more love then I have ever known in my life. I have great relationships and not so great ones. The MOST meaningful relationship I have is with God. It has not been an easy one...we have it out sometimes but most the time (OK OK FINE) ALL of the time...he wins because his presence in my life has been the most prominent, life altering, positive, scary, hard, humbling thing I have ever experienced and it is far from over.
The biggest thing that has changed in me since I became a Christ follower is my view of the world. The world is and will always be a scary place until His return. What matters is our reaction to the evil of the world. I have been one to struggle with fear so much so that it has had physical affects but I have found that the more present God is in my life the less fear I have. It is not because He promises to make me rich, or healthy, or keep me from horrible situations...in fact I have had poverty, illness, and tremendous trials in my life. (We all have right) It is because I am allowing him to be my strength, my courage, and my hope. Without him I am nothing but susceptible to the world and all its negativity with him I am armed. I have compassion and love and not hate and blame. You can call him my crutch if you want..I am ok with that because I KNOW I am broken.
Why the unanticipated rant?? Here is why. Because some of my first emotions after hearing about the horrific tragedy in Connecticut was sorrow not only for the kids, teachers, and parents but for people in the world that are going to turn to fear, hatred, and blame. Weather it is geared toward God, guns, or the shooter himself. This appalling act, in my humble opinion, was not because of any of the above. Yes, it is my belief mental illness had its part but it was caused by something far more evil with the intention of spreading the fear, hatred, and blame. The sad truth is it has worked on a lot of levels. People are taking the death of the innocent and using it for their own agendas. Forgetting that these lives had a purpose and it is highly doubtful that it was to cause a battle among the nation over a difference in beliefs. Yes, I know am spewing my belief in God on you right now in hopes that you will receive it well. If not, its ok. You won't offend me. I can agree to disagree with a smile on my face and I will not love you any less.
The point of this God isn't always warm and fuzzy. He doesn't always intervene when we think he should or answer prayers in a way that we would like but there is always a purpose. His timing is perfect. There are many evils in the world that do not have his name on it but only he has the ability to turn something so broken into something beyond beautiful. We can pull together and show strangers the love and compassion they deserve. The love Jesus tells us to show one another. The love you will find when you look at most teachers and 6 and 7 year olds. The love they would have been awe struck to see honoring them. The love they now know and experience daily.
I have been lucky enough to experience this love. Today especially, as my church family sat together mourning and broken. For the families of the lives lost and for those who were there to witness the tragedies in our nation. As well as for us as individuals with the personal trials we each face. We got down on our knees and lifted it all to the only One who can take something tragic and turn it into something beautiful. The love in that room for and from God and each other was something truly beautiful.  
My prayer is that we see more of that kind of love in the world.

Capture your grief

This month I decided to take part in "Capture Your Grief." I didn't realize how hard it would be. I am only on day 3. Yet, as hard as it is to let the shattered part of me through I am excited to continue because strangely enough the more shattered I feel, the closer I feel to my son.

So much time and life has gone by since I held my sweet boy in my arms. There are a million things going on with me, the girls, the husband, and our family as a whole. Life has indeed, moved on. I however, never will. I still think, hope, wish, dream, and occasionally talk to my son every day. Yet, very rarely these days do I allow myself to feel the shattered part of me. I do not take the time to cry. I do not take the time to dwell. Sometimes I feel guilt because of it and others I know that when I need to I will. I think perhaps with all that has been going on in life I have waited to long.

Taking part in this project is opening wounds. I avoided it at first asking myself if I really wanted to dwell in my grief and then I realized that its not about dwelling in my grief, its about the journey I am on and living in honor of my baby boy. It is about telling the world that he is still very much a part of me every day, every minute, every breath. These wounds will not heal, they might not hurt as bad sometimes, but they will never heal. So I will gladly dive into the pictures of the most heart wrenching and painfully difficult time of my life with tears running down my face. I will gladly feel the mark left by the person who has had the biggest impact on who I am today. I will embrace my son with every inch of my being.

I lost a child. There will always be a part of me missing but I have gained so much knowledge and compassion and understanding on this journey. Life is too short for most of the crap we allow to take control. Sometimes things will shatter every part of you so that God can build you to be a better version of yourself. I am a better person because of my son. I am a better mother because of my son. I am a better wife because of my son. Most importantly though, I am a better daughter of Christ because of my son.

Happy Happy Birthday My Boy

Dearest Donavin,

Well, today marks the 2nd year since you both graced us with your beautiful face and said goodbye. I miss you more with every day that passes and to be honest I am not sure how I have gotten through the last 2 years with out you. Scratch that, I know how. Its the power that keeps us connected. It is Jesus. You are safe in His loving arms and that gives me more comfort then even I can comprehend.
2 years old. You would be walking, talking, and if you are anything like your father...driving me nuts. ;) Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. I look for you in the face of every toddler that is about your age. Wonder what you would look like, sound like, smell like. I miss you.
You have more of my love then I ever thought was possible for someone I spent so little time with. I wonder what your celebration in heaven is like...I can't wait to be a part of it. I long for the day that I can hold you in my arms again. I long for the day our family is complete again. Until that day my sweet boy know that I miss you deeply and miss you more.

Happy 2nd Birthday.

"My Angel, my darling, my star, my love will find you wherever you are."

For Donavin

I want to scream to the world to remember

But I want them to see it on their own.

I want the world to need you with us

But know that you are safe at home.

I want to climb the rooftop to scream your name,

Only to get there and see others waiting to do the same.

I want your memory to be more than a fleeting thought.

I want people to look to you and get more than what they sought.

I want people to speak your name with a smile

Not turn your memory into a dated file.

I want others to say you mattered like you matter to me.

But no one will ever know, no one will see.

Been...... awhile.

So it has been about 6 months. I apologize for letting it go. Transitioning from one child to two has had me busy and left without much time to think let a lone write. So as I sit here tonight I feel as if I am getting together with an old friend whom I have missed dearly. You know the one you always promise to stay in contact with and secretly pray that THIS time you'll follow through :)

A little update....
 As the majority of you know I had a not so happy but perfectly healthy little girl. (She literally came out scowling) Her eyes lighten my world and to see the sisterly bond form between my daughters brings more happiness then I would have imagined. It has been a welcome adjustment to say the least.  She has made our family feel fuller. However, it is the eve of my son's 2nd birthday...and as he prepares to celebrate in heaven I am reminded it will never feel complete. I will forever have an emptiness in my arms and in my heart.

Its hard for me to believe it has been 2 years. At this point 2 years ago I was in labor and still so full of hope that I would soon be holding my living, breathing, beautiful, bright eyed boy. There are days when a part of me wishes I could go back to that point. Before I knew the tragic heartache of the loss of a child, a baby, our only son. It was a defining moment in my life. One that has brought more change in myself then any other event. Some for the better but their are still parts of me that are broken, parts that will never heal. I have learned so much in the last couple years. Some people are amazingly supportive and show you so in the most surprising ways but there are still those on the opposite side of that spectrum as well. Most importantly I have learned to live again. I have learned to enjoy life again. I have learned to cherish every second I have with those I love. I have learned appreciation. I have learned to look forward to the day I meet my sweet boy again and I am still learning to try not to long to go back to the time I had him with me. I still have days when it hurts as though it happened yesterday but most days I don't let the impact of it in enough to absorb those feelings. I let my son in and that is all I need.

One week and counting

So here we are. A week from my due date. It's been a journey. This pregnancy has had its ups and downs more then I would have imagined. We thought we lost her in the beginning...but God had other plans. I am thankful for that daily. I thank God for every little kick and nudge...even the ones that find my ribs. I am extremely excited to meet her. Nervous of the process that gets her here sure but I am allowing myself that. What I am not allowing myself is fear. This one is in God's hands. (Well, they all are but you know what I mean) I have made some decisions that I am confident in. I know there are some who would rather they be different but this isn't about them.I understand that there are always people who are going to have a different opinion than I do in all aspects of life. I respect that.  It is through a lot of prayer that we have come to decide what we have and I can't wait to write about it later. Other then a couple critical decisions I am not making any plans. I am going to follow God's lead on this one. God is my strength. I'm praying for a speedy and safe delivery. I ask that you do to.

I am READY! I want to see her little pink face and feel her little grip around my finger.  Too look my husband in the eyes when she is finally here! I want to see the look on her Big Sisters face when she gets to hold her for the first time. I know that Donavin is going to be with us too. He always is. I am excited about this new journey we are about to embark on as our family expands.

Ps. God if you are reading...tonight would be a good night ;)

April already...wow

This pregnancy is flying by. I feel like when I have a few moments to get excited about it I think of how quickly its coming and get knocked on my butt. I am excited. Fearful of the birth yes, but given my experiences I think its understandable. I have come to the realization though that no matter how much preparation or avoiding I do for/of the birth of this baby girl I am never going to feel ready. There are things that I am going to have to deal with and can only deal with...in the moment. Regardless of what choices I make I know I will never have the full support of every single person I know and love. I am ok with that. As long as I feel at peace with my decisions after praying about them thoroughly. Which I do. I know that nothing except for God's will is set in stone. If I change my mind or the situation changes I will be open to it. I will do WHATEVER it takes to help this baby girl arrive safely. Regardless, of what some people seem to think.
I feel confident that we will get to bring this sweet baby girl home. If for some reason God has other plans we will cross that bridge when we get their. Hope and faith are what keep me going. I have both that this will be a very healing process for me and my family. I can hardly wait to hold her in my arms. I can hardly wait to see the look on my husband's face when he sees her for the first time. I am chomping at the bit to see my girls together for the first time. I can't even express the joy I feel when I even picture it. The only thing that would be better is having all 3 of my kids together.


8 weeks and 5 days. (or 9 weeks if you ask the hubby)

Fear or Guidence?

I know how to handle it...well, let me rephrase that. I know how to lift it to God and let him handle it. I have done it before and he does a far better job with it then I do but I still have it.  Fear. "the only thing to fear is fear itself" rings true. It seems like when I give in to one fear it opens the gates for many others. My biggest fear at the moment is this birth and making the right decisions for this baby girl, myself, and my family. The  underlining for pretty much all my fear...the fear of the unknown. How do I know if the decisions I am making are the right ones? Do I let the politics and fear I have regarding my birth have a place in my decision making? Where would that leave me? I know in the end it is all up to God...I just don't want to interpret fear as guidance or guidance as fear. My first thought would be to go to the bible but I can't for the life of me think of where it would say something in regards to a hospital vs a birth center.

Ok, let me lay it all out for you.

I have been back and forth in this pregnancy as far as where the best place is to have my birth. 

I believe God made a woman's body so beautifully. It really comes down to not only just how every muscle in a woman's body works together to labor and birth. but how the newborn baby works with it. It is amazing. Something only God could dream up. I believe he intended it as a natural process. And frankly. I know that the birth center would allow me the biggest chance to experience a birth in all its beauty.
There is fear of not being in a hospital and there is fear of being in one. The hospital has more tools on hand in case I need a c-section but thats the problem. I don't trust that the doctors in the hospital would assess the need in the same manner I believe in. For example I don't believe being a week "overdue" is cause for high concern or induction of labor. (Which is what led to my previous c-section) Yes, it is true that I don't have even close to a medical degree. However, I have done a ton of research in the matter. I believe labor is best left alone to do what God intended and that more times then not doctors intervene when it is not necisary due to time, money, and hospital restraints. (Hey, just being honest...they get paid more if they do a c-section and if they can save time in doing an hour surgery instead of waiting out a 36 hour labor why not)   It is true, I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to doctor's due to previous experiences. I will never deny that. I would love to find one that I wholeheartedly believe has my daughters best interest as well as my own in mind as I do my midwife. I am sure doctor's exist like that out there. I just haven't found one.

Ideally, I would love to have my midwife do my birth in a hospital but unfortunately that is not an option.

So I ask this, is that the question? God's way; naturally w/intervention only as needed outside of the hospital w/of course the option to go if needed. (we could be there in 15 minutes and it takes 30 I have heard to prep an OR anyway) vs Man's way; with medical decisions based off time and money restraints with the security of being there just in case something goes wrong?

I will always do my best to choose God's way over mans but I can't help but wonder if that is the way I am perceiving this because I have a biased opinion based on previous negative experiences with doctors and if that someway my fear of the unknown when it comes to my birth is God's way of telling me to take another look at the picture or if it is just because I now know the tainted reality that sometimes, babies and/or mama's don't always make it through the beauty of birth. (ok, I am beginning to think me calling birth beautiful SO much might be a subconscious way of trying to take my mind off the pain that comes with it ;)

I know this. I will do whatever is best for this baby first and foremost. Even if that means having another c-section. I am ok with that. I just want to give her the best opportunity to arrive to this world as intended.

I know I need to birth in the place where I feel the most safe and comfortable. I just don't know where that is. I feel like its the birth center but I am just not 100%. Will I ever be?

I know I need to let go and let God handle my fear. I am just trying to find the best way to do that while deciphering between fear and guidence.

So this is me seeking counsel I suppose. I would love input. I know there are those of you who absolutely agree with out of hospital birth and those who strongly disagree. I am open to hear both sides but know that weather or not I have an out of hospital birth I will always be an advocate for them. I just need counsel on my personal situation...not out of hospital birth in general.

Oh, by the way I have been told by one doctor that I am considered high risk due to my previous c-section and the death of my son and told by another I am not considered high risk at all.

God has to be included in my life and this birth. Without Him I am nothing.

A Quiet Moment

Been too long since I have been here. I almost feel like its a support group I have been avoiding. In a way thats what my writing is to me. A way to face what, sometimes I don't want to. Today it is the realization that if I want this precious little girl inside of me, I have to go through the labor and the birth. Birth, while something I find beautiful and wondrous, it scares the crap out of me. The worst part is I feel like it is going to surprise me when I am not the least bit ready for it. With my other pregnancies I have wanted the DD to hurry up and get here already...Now I am perfectly ok with it taking its sweet time. Why am I worried its going to sneak up on me? These next few months are busier than I have been in a long time. At this point the only weekends we don't have something scheduled for are the 3 prior to my DD. IN JUNE! Seems a bit insane to me. Even more so that I keep trying to pack more stuff into them. Yes, its true. I know I need to just put a hault to all the planning or I am going to put myself into an early labor but I like having plans. I like planning things. Takes my mind off the impending labor. When in actuality everything I have learned tells me I should be doing otherwise. I need to be preparing myself for it. This little girl needs all of me. She will get it.  I will release my fears to God as always and as always He will do things in the manner He sees fit. I know in my heart everything will go as it should this time around. I will just breath a little easier when this little girl is safely breathing in my arms.

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I have posted. I have been  pretty caught up in life and I am loving it. Planning birthday parties and a Scentsy party. I have decided I love party planning :) I have been spending a lot of time with my sisters and family and enjoying being pregnant. Baby B is kicking pretty frequently these days and I have gotten some of the most adorable clothes from my sisters. It helps a lot with the excitement factor. Addy is about to be 4 and I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around my beautiful...big girl, not baby, is growing so quickly. However, I have a feeling that that particular feeling will never go away. Life has its ups and downs and I will take them as they come. Just going to enjoy the little things along the way.

Warning... she is in a mood. ;)

As someone who's body does apparently not know how to sneeze JUST one time. I would like to take a minute to relish in the joys of pregnancy. Tonight, while sitting on the couch in a sneezing frenzy that I have deemed "Allergies Attacked." I got to experience the lovely effect that comes with that territory. Sneezing while pregnant that is. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about...I will just let your mind wonder for awhile. My first response to this lovely occurrence was..well, this is less then ideal...which then turned into...BRING IT ON!

It is human nature to moan and gripe about things in our life that are less then ideal. For most of us its the little things...pregnancy itself has quiet the list of less then ideal situations or occurrences. How often do we REALLY say to ourselves...well, its a small price to pay or what is complaining about something going to do for me?

Dont get me wrong, I am absolutely just as (if not more) guilty of this as the next person. I however am done complaining about my pregnancy. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about. I have a beautiful baby girl inside me. We have nothing but opportunities in front of us. No matter what happens we have opportunities in front of us.

I will not take it for granted. I will not whine and moan when I am peeing my pants a little at a time because of my uncontrolable sneezing. I will not whine when I am too big to get off the couch. I will not complain about having to pee every 5 seconds even after I just FINALLY fell asleep. Baby feet in my ribs? Whatever makes you comfortable sweetheart. Burning heartburn? She is going to have beautiful hair like her sister.

*please note that everyone...yes, even me... makes mistakes and I will leave that one up to God and his glorious grace to judge.

My point is...all of that is nothing compared to the gift we have been given. With the help of God , we have created a beautiful human life. A heart beating, practice breathing, thumb sucking, stomach nudging life. What's a little pee compared to that?

Upon this astonishing, amazing, original discovery ;) I realized just how many area's of my life it can be carried to. I have a great marriage. Its not perfect. It has its flaws, but I know I am loved by an amazing man who I wouldn't trade for anything. I am a mother. I am not perfect. I have my flaws, but I get to raise my daughter and witness all the greatness she brings to my life and others on a daily basis. I have a roof over my head. Its not perfect it has flaws, but I have a roof over my head and no threats of losing one (moving doesn't count) anytime soon.

The list could go on and on. So really, what's their to complain about?