Bubbles: Bursting and Building

 *Disclaimer- Tired and borderline delirious. I assume no responsibility if this makes absolutely no sense.

Why do we shove ourselves inside a bubble?
Why do we construct these huge concrete walls that no one can break through.

I am convinced it is so God can burst them.

That's right folks, God is that kid that likes to pop your bubble and knock down that tower of blocks you just built.

Why you might ask? BECAUSE HE CAN!

He does it to show you that he is an all powerful, all knowing, AMAZING GOD! The difference between those preschool kids and God is...well a lot of things, but the one in particular I am referring to is that he does it out of LOVE.

 HE DOES IT TO SHOW YOU, YOU ARE LOVED.

You see, we place ourselves inside our comfort bubbles and hide behind these walls so no one can hurt us. So we can't humiliate ourselves by being vulnerable. So no one will judge us. Because "No one can possibly understand what we are going through." But it gets lonely in our bubble and God knows it. We know it. So while no one can hurt us no one can fully love us either because we don't come out of our bubble or peak around the corner of our wall long enough to let them see who we really are. In a lot of ways we don't really know who we really are. God does.

God knows every tiny little thing there is to know about us.

 And. He. Loves. Us. Anyway.

Say what?!?

Yes, he KNOWS us AND stills LOVES us. Crazy right?

Word.

And as if that wasn't enough, he knows that there are so many others watching, waiting, and willing to love us too. All those other bubbles who "can't possibly know what we are going through" have really experienced a lot of the same or similar problems. AND they are waiting to shower us with love so we can grow. (Did I just lay out the cheese or what?!?) Cheese or not, I speak the truth. God wants us to grow in our relationships with Him and Each other. We grow better together.

So He pops our bubble or knocks down our wall. He calls us to do crazy things. Uncomfortable things. So we can learn to do AMAZING things in our walk with Him.

And for the sake of my safety, I thought it best to explain that God pops your bubbles so He can build you into the bubble He wants you to be. So you can connect with other bubbles and be stronger together...like say in an amazingly awesome and UNDERSTANDING Women's ministry. Because SOAP and the Living Water make bubbles and bubbles are awesome. I love bubbles. (Don't hurt me ;)

The moral of the story folks is that you are an amazing, beautiful, child of God. He knows it and he is longing for you to believe it. When you fully believe it and live your life accordingly there is NO limit to what he will do in your life. You are made new. Your eyes will be opened to all of the beautiful bubbles around you.

 

awww bubbles!

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

 Colossians 2:7

Titles Are For People Who Have a Clue as to What They Are Going To Write About

Do you ever have that feeling...that you are just dying to tell someone something? Anybody really. It doesn't matter who. You just have all this excitement and emotion just DYING to escape you. You contemplate telling your kids but realize that they will just look at you like you are crazy...even though you fully realize you might just be. You may...or may not, glance out the window wishing someone would catch your attention...you know so you can run and tell a stranger.

Then it just happens to dawn on you that you have absolutely no idea what it is you want to say. You are so excited to spill and share....what?!?

Thats me. The crazy lady about to run out on some un-expecting victim walking by just to release this crazy exciting feeling and tell them all about...what exactly.

I have absolutely no clue.

All I know is it's because of this pushy BFF of mine. Seriously, you know the one...brutally honest. Can't hide from them even when you try to pull the wool over your own eyes.

No dear friends. You can't even stick your fingers in your ears and "lalalalalalala" this voice out.

Jesus is just not taking no for an answer. He's that friend that is going to tell you things about yourself you don't want to know with a BIG "WHOMP THERE IT IS."
He is going to fill you with that crazy love of His and make you NEED to look like a fool.

I can picture it now...some un-expecting soul walking to the grocery store to get a gallon of milk when some lunatic comes running out of their house..."Excuse me, Excuse me...can I talk to you?"
"Ugh sure, but I am on my way to the store."
"That's OK it will just take a second"
"Okay."
"Well...here's the thing...I am not sure what I am supposed to tell you, but Jesus told me to come talk to you."
Crazy right?!

But What if...

That person was going to get hit by a car and God wanted you to intervene. 

or

They were going to the store to buy some cat food so when they went home to kill themselves the cat would have something to eat until some found it. (yes, I know I said MILK but bare with me)

or

They just needed to talk to someone.

or

God wanted to show them that people do crazy things in the name of His love.

or

God just has a really good sense of humor.

You just don't know.

See, that is how he fixes you. Making you go out of the norms of this world because He is not of this world and neither are you.

You have to look crazy for Jesus so you can stay humble.
You have to look crazy for Jesus to be His witness.
You have to look crazy for Jesus to grow in Jesus. 

I was recently introduced to this amazing video through this even more amazing speaker Lori Dixon. If you don't know her...you should. Anyway, she showed this video at the beginning of a conference and it changed the way I view crazy. Watch it. Now.

That's right people. Regardless of what the world or country music star Miranda Lambert tells you, you don't want to "Hide your crazy." Jesus uses crazy to show His love and if you are listening and obeying his prompts to do crazy on His terms,  humble growth is unavoidable and you can stand tall before THE Judge.

My prayer for you today is that you listen to the Holy Spirits callings and do something crazy for Jesus.

Sometimes I forget...

I have a son.

He died.

Sometimes I forget.

Life is busy. Sometimes that is sweet. Sometimes not ,but life is busy non the less. I enjoy my business most days because for the most part I do it for purposes I love. I get caught up in the day to day. The to-do lists of it all.

I think of him daily in passing. I have momentos everywhere that represent my sweet boy. Including a necklace I only take off 10 minutes a day (if I am lucky) to shower but he is so ingrained in everything I do that I sometimes forget to look past the "memento" and remember that I had a son. He died. He is no longer here and will not return to this world. (No matter how many times Addy asks)

Then it happens. You are going through the motions hiding the Easter basket stuff in an empty chest when you realize it is not empty but has one of his boxes in it. You set it aside and put the stuff away.

Stop.
Stare.
Remember.
Contemplate.

It is such a beautiful box. It was made by a beautiful person. It is labeled "Letters to Heaven." You know what is in it. You know what will happen if you open it. Everything will stop and you will remember. You had a son. He died. You are missing a huge part of you. But the box is beautiful. It was made to be opened and it hasn't been opened in a long, long time.

I opened the box. I remembered and I was reminded that I wasn't the only one who was touched by my precious baby boy. You see this particular box was out at his first birthday celebration. In it is letters to Donavin. Not just my Donavin, but their Donavin. It reminded me of all the lives he has touched and all the beautiful people I have in my life who helped God lift me up when I couldn't carry myself. People I hadn't expected. People with beautiful words for my son that have touched my life in a most inspiring way.

Sometimes, I forget. Sometimes, they do too. It is because he is an everyday part of our lives that we forget that it took much pain to get here. In the moments after his death, I feared these days. I never thought they would come. Now I know that it is not something to be feared but something to remember. It took a lot to get to this point.

Today is Good Friday.

I can't help but think of the connection. Today is the day we remember Jesus's death and how he willingly died so that we could be forgiven. He is not just my Jesus, he is everyone's. Were those around him, who loved him dearly at the time of His death feeling the same as I? Did they mourn with deep reverence? Did they too have the little mementos so ingrained in everyday life that they too soon forgot to take the time to remember?

Today. Do we too have mementos of Jesus that are so ingrained in our everyday lives that we forget to stop and take the time to remember the sacrifice that made this life possible? Do we forget to mourn the one who gave His life for ours, the one that first loved us so that we may know and show love? Do we get so caught up in the to-do lists of it all that we forget to give him the second glance he so reverently deserves? Do we only stop to stare, remember, and contemplate on the day of his death or day of his rising?

No, He was made to be remembered. He was made by a beautiful God. He is everything beautiful in this world. I love the life He has given me and I don't want to forget the pain He endured to bring me here. I need to make everything stop so that I can take the time to remember.

I have a Savior.

He died.

Sometimes I forget. 

Lucky for me, He died to forgive.

Lucky for me, He lives to teach me to remember.

Interrupting the "Wisdom" for a Parental Break Down

This is what I saw when I woke up this morning and checked the calendar.

This is what caused an explosive leak in both my eyes...at the same time.

This is why I am reluctant to let tomorrow come...

My baby is turning 6.
 Its a big deal!
 No, really it is.

If I didn't like birthdays so much I might just take the calendar down and pretend its not happening.

I have TRIED to convince her that she is turning 5 again but teaching her how to count has come back to bite me.

We have moved on to TWO hands people!

This is a big deal for more then my mild obsession to convince my children to stay little forever. This is terrifying. So long as we could count her age on one hand we were safe. The teenage years were far away but they are coming and I am terrified. How am I supposed to raise a God loving, self respecting, others oriented, kindhearted, smart, young woman in a world with so many worldly things working against me? How in the world do I find balance with letting her participate in things like social media and still help her to enjoy the present physical world? How do I teach her that Jesus is all she will need? How do I tell her that just because "all her friends are doing it" does not mean it is allowed? How do I teach her there are RESPECTFUL ways to disagree with an adult but regardless of the disagreement she is still the child? How? I am at a loss. Have I mentioned I am terrified?

Yes, I am fully aware that she is "only" turning 6 but it seems that these days that means I only have 6 years left until she is full on Pre-Teen.These 6 years have flown by MUCH faster then anticipated so that certainly doesn't leave much hope for the next 6. Is it just me or are the teenage years every Mom's worst nightmare? How will I survive?! How did this even happen?!

Breath.

Pray.

Breath.

Pray.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.


On a good note. I have managed to keep her alive and well for 6 years! Yay me!...oh and the hubby, I guess he helped too ;) And in my EXTREMELY biased opinion she is sweet, smart, considerate, loving, God loving little girl. She lights up my world and shows me every day just how beautiful God's blessings can be. I am lucky to call her my daughter and I know that with God in her life she will be just fine.

Breath.
Pray.
Sigh.

Be Salty Salt

Be Salty Salt.

It's my new motto.

Now, if you are like me your mind jumps back to the once famous musical talent's of Salt N' Pepa. Which makes me smile. And laugh. And then cringe. In exactly that order. And as desperate as my fingers are to type explanations of all of the above...I am afraid that would completely derail this post and likely have opposite affects of the desired intention.

No folks, this post (as misleading as the the title may be to most of you..or maybe just me) is not in fact, about the infamous Salt N' Pepa* but about doing the work God has called us to do. (Did I really just use Salt N' Pepa and God in the same sentence!? Lord, help me.) 

Ok....must not get derailed.
(Fair warning...this may be a lost cause. I seem to be having a difficult time getting to the point. ;)

So here it is. God calls us to be the salt of the earth. But what does that mean? I know what it means to me and I will get to that later but I was curious to see what Google had to say about it. I came up with many wonderful adjectives; dependable, good, kind, helpful, caring, considerate. In general it seems to be known as a person having a positive impact on others.

So God wants us to have a positive impact on others, be good, kind, dependable, caring, considerate, and helpful? Yes. I believe he wants us to be all those things. But is it enough?

That was a question I asked myself tonight as I was doing my SOAP on Luke 14:34- 35. 
³⁴ “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? ³⁵ It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

Is it enough to be nice and blend in? I mean salt is salt right? No. I believe this passage is saying it is not and actually if you have a Life Application study bible you will see the notes say the same. It is not enough to blend in. 

Don't get me wrong. The sad truth is in this day and age I believe that just being the "salt of the earth" will set you apart from others. The truth is a lot of people do not want to take the time to be nice, considerate, and courteous.  Not all, but a lot. 

My revelation through my SOAP tonight was that if we embrace what God has given us...we will be "salty salt." If we use the gifts he has graciously blessed us with to the best of our ability and pair it with being the "salt of the earth" (or an exemplary example of a nice person) we will be "salty salt." We will do more then blend in with a crowd. We will require that second glance and if we are on the right track we will cause enough commotion to have people question the why and the how of what we do. And I believe, if our hearts are in the right place and our focus is on our heavenly Father, we will have an opportunity to give the glory to God. That folks, is what being "the salt of the earth" means to me.  

Just to be clear, I do not believe God wants us to be in the spotlight. I believe He wants us to challenge others to put HIM in the spotlight. In fact, looking back now that is exactly what brought ME to CHRIST in the first place. My (now) husband was a better version of himself then I had previously known. All sorts of changes had taken place for the better. He was being "Salty Salt." (I really should start calling him that for my own entertainment purposes) When he had caused enough commotion for me to start asking the why's and how's ...he gave me one simply complicated answer. Jesus. Then he asked ME to go to CHURCH! And you know what, I was just curious enough to say yes.


Here is the ironic part. All I have ever wanted to do is blend in. Be accepted, liked, maybe even loved but blend in.  I never wanted to stand out in a crowd. Speaking in public terrifies me. I trip and stumble over my words and give the redness of a tomato a run for its money. (This has been proven more times then I care to count) It is because it challenges me that I know that it is important. God doesn't give us easy. He gives us character. He builds that character by challenging what we settle to believe of ourselves. 

My friends, I do not believe that God wants us to ride the waves. I believe he wants us to create them. 

He wants us to be the superb seasoning in a bland world. 

He wants us to be SALTY SALT. :) 






*Please note that I intentionally did not post any links or pictures related to Salt N Pepa out of sheer embarrassment that they are even mentioned in this post. Just trying to keep it real folks...Just trying to keep it real ;)

 

Childlike Faith...

Here I am again. I wonder what is in store. Ok, I at least have an idea this time.

It can mean different things to different people.

I learned last night what it meant to me. To have "Childlike Faith" (as Jesus put it) is to be brave, bold, and completely and lovingly trusting. Not the first thing you think of when you think of Children I am sure. In fact, for a long time I associated it with being innocent, fragile, and blissfully ignorant. I am in awe of just how wrong I was. (Me, wrong? Shocker right?!? ;) 

You see last night I got to witness childlike faith in action. I got the privileged of seeing a typically quiet little boy step up and volunteer to pray in front of 15 or so of his peers. He was praying for another child who had gotten hurt earlier in the evening. The prayer itself was beautiful and I was amazed at his genuine love, concern, and compassion for his fellow classmate. Yet, as I reflected even more I realize I was more amazed at his braveness, boldness, and his complete loving trust in the Lord. I was amazed at this child's childlike faith.

I don't know about you but I consider stepping up to speak in front of anyone brave. This boy was brave enough to do it in front of 15 of his peers without a blink of an eye. If he had any fear of being judged you didn't see it. As an adult, I fear judgement. As I child I know I was quiet the judge myself. For this little one to overcome that and not only speak but pray, where you tend to be more vulnerable,  was an exemplary picture of bravery.

He was bold as well. He knew why he was praying, to whom he was praying, and for what he was praying and he was not afraid to ask for it. He prayed for the little boy who was hurt, the doctors, and the right medicine. He knew what he wanted for the other little boy and he didn't hesitate to ask. I think sometimes we get too caught up with thinking we have no right to ask God for anything with all he has given us already...even when the prayer is for someone else. I know at times when I consider what I am praying for I wonder why God would bother with those things when there are so many others who need more. Who's needs are greater. We lose sight of the fact that we have an ALL powerful God who is capable of far more then our mind can begin to comprehend. A God who's love for us is greater then we will ever know. This boy showed not only that he knew those things but that he believed them wholeheartedly.

All of the above points to one powerful conclusion. That little boy loved and trusted God completely. I don't even know how to elaborate on that. He cast every fear he had aside out of love for God and love for the other child. He knew God had the power to provide what was needed and trusted Him to do so. He trusted that God would protect him if he should encounter judgement. He trusted the Holy Spirit to give him the right words. He knew the Father was with him, loved him, would listen to him, and love and help those he prayed for. No questions. He knew.

That my dear friends, is childlike faith as Jesus put it.

Unquestionable trust.
Genuine love of others.
Bravery to overcome scary situations.
Boldness to talk to God as if he is...God.
Love for God.
Unconditional TRUST.

Simple but powerful. 

Growth Without God is an Illusion

Here are a couple of my 1st visual aides I made w/quotes I loved from Pinterest.

Goals.

I have been thinking about them a lot lately. Truth is, I don't do long term goal's well. Truth is, I generally don't think of goals as anything other then my weekly to-do list. (You know, the ones that I HOPE will get done, intend to get done, but don't actually have any desire to do.) It is not because I have anything against long term goals but more that I generally write them down on some random piece of paper that gets lost in the endless pile of papers (that happens to be #1 on my weekly "goal" list for the last 8 weeks and counting) and they are never to be seen again. Writing my goals down doesn't really bring me any closer to achieving them. I never understood how simply writing it down inspired so many.

While journaling today it hit me. My foundation was all wrong. (Luke 7:48)  I was trying to swim without water. Growth without God is an illusion. I can not truly be able to grow if I am writing randomness on a piece of paper without including God first. I've never prayerfully considered my goals. I can't even definitively tell you what I want my life to look like 10 years from now. (Which I am just realizing will be teenage years for my girls.....not cool. Lord, help me.)

I think it is time I set my goals on the right foundation.

Here is how I intend to do so. (Because I know you are DYING to know all about me right?) I am going to think hard about who I want to be in the different aspects of my life and what is important to me. (Spiritually, Wife, Mother, Family, Health, Me, etc.) Then I am going to PRAY, and PRAY, and PRAY some more and consider who GOD wants me to be in these areas and adjust my goals accordingly.

Yes, I will write them down. I will most likely post them here instead of letting them get lost in the abyss of to-be-sorted-ness. I like pictures. So I will probably create some sort of visual aide as well. ( I have heard these referred to as dream or vision boards and I am sure there are a million websites devoted to the why and the how's of them but frankly I am not interested in any of it. I simply like pretty reminders)

Here is the important part. I will START and END everyday with INTENTIONAL prayer. I talk to God all day but very rarely do I carve out time JUST for prayer. I will ask him to help me achieve my goals and steer me away from anything that might take away from them and I will ask for his help in acknowledging what those things might be. I will keep him at the FOREFRONT of EVERYTHING I do.

I desire true growth and I know that is only possible with God as my foundation.

Growth with out God is an illusion but with him I can not fail.

How Great It Is...

I used to worry about offending someone by talking about God. Now, I worry more about not speaking his name.

Our God is amazing beyond words.
To KNOW him is to know love beyond measure.
To KNOW him is to know purpose and hope.
To KNOW him is to know yourself.

 Only he has the ability to show you your true self, your true nature, your true passion, your true motives, your true being.

To KNOW him requires time. Not just church on Sundays, but everyday.  I have never felt I was on a clear path until I spent time actively listening to the Lord, everyday. The more time I spend, the more natural it feels, the more our relationship grows, the more he makes me grow.

I follow instructions well. He gives instructions well. Its a match made in....well, you get the idea.

I stand in awe of the clear messages he gives when you actually listen. The lesson's keep on coming. I am soaking it up! I am still uber excited about it.... and Him. I can not believe I have been attending church for 7 years and I am just now experiencing him like this. I can clearly see why I wasn't feeling the intensity of his love as I am now. I couldn't have. I wasn't listening.

Don't get me wrong. We talked. He carried. He loved. He always loved. I loved.

But like any one sided relationship....their was no passion. I let myself be intimidated, lazy, offended, judgmental, hypocritical.  (Okay, That was slightly harder to write then anticipated)

I was waiting on God to do all the work. Most of the time, without even realizing it. Until, I was challenged to go to him daily. Pray, read, think. Everyday. Then discuss what I learned and be held accountable. I was hesitant because I didn't know if I would follow through but I prayed and made the commitment to God and to myself. It was the best decision I have EVER made. I found God and he showed me who I really am.

I mess up all the time. I don't SOAP EVERYday. I intend to but sometimes for one reason or another it doesn't happen but I do spend time talking to him daily.   (We are pretty much BFF's we talk ...like...all the time! ;)

Nothing compares to living FOR HIM. There are so many things I have tried to do on my own and it just wasn't working because it was about ME....not HIM.

I could go on and on...apparently. (Being that this was one of those "what should I write about tonight?" posts)

So if you haven't yet, make God your first priority in life. I DARE YOU! You will forever stand in awe at just what he has to say when you listen. I know I am and will forevermore.

Ps. and PLEASE ask questions. I love excuses to talk about Jesus!

Lessons Being Learned

   For the last few months my relationship with God been growing intensely.  I have changed. My perspective has changed. As challenging as it is, I am loving it. It has allowed me to break out of the shell I had created and follow God's will for me on a more intent and active basis.

   Over this time I have noticed patterns of lessons that God has wanted me to work on. The first was to spend time with him daily. Not because I felt like had to but because I wanted to. The second was trusting him completely. (Which I outlined a little more in my recent Bump In The Road  post.)

  Well, recently SOAPing (aka journaling) and my quiet time have revealed to me the importance of insuring that my heart is in the right place at all times. I had been thinking about that all day actually, only to go to a meeting at church last night and it be the primary topic of conversation for our Children's ministry volunteers.

   The question I have been asking myself is "Is God at the forefront of EVERYthing I do?" And while the I would love to say yes, if I am being honest with myself (and you) it is no. I tend to get caught up in other peoples approval. Weather it be my husband, family, or friends I try to do things to make them happy. When I need to be seeking God's approval and doing things for HIS glory and not my own.
I love to serve people and that is not a bad thing. I just need to make sure I am doing it for God FIRST and foremost.

   Which brings the question "what is serving exactly?" Is it just when I teach or help out at church or do something extra special and nice? No, I have come to embrace that it is everything I do. I can serve God by taking care of myself as well as taking care of my family, etc. I can serve him by doing things that may be way outside of my comfort bubble. As long as everything I am doing is for His glory and not my own.

   It is easy to lose track of the reason behind what we do. I think that while I was serving with a loving heart and good intent I wasn't making God my reason why all of the time. Which is not easy for me to admit at all. (Is admitting we are not perfect ever easy?)

   So with that being said, I am on a mission to make him the center of my everything. When I make dinner for my family it is not for my glory or my husbands (sorry honey) it is for God's. When I parent my children it is for God's glory not so I can be a "good mom." When I do or say anything I will do it for the glory of God. I am not perfect. It will not be a perfect mission. I will have bumps in the road but I will actively try to bring him Glory and continue to grow in him.

Ps. As if all other "signs" weren't clear enough this is the song I heard on the radio this morning.

Reflections

   Well, another year has passed. It has been 3 years since I said goodbye to my little man. A rough and powerful 3 years. As usual I silently wished the world would stop and take notice on his birthday. Stop everything and remember him. Don't they know how special he is? Looking back, this is not a new feeling. I remember leaving the house for the first time after he went home to the Lord and being hit with the harsh reality that the world does in fact keep turning. People were still going on with their everyday lives as I was breaking over and over again as each minute past. There is a irrational part of me that finds that extremely unfair. It was the salt in wound.
   While a part of me still silently wishes everyone would stop and remember I know that the world is still turning and a lot of people have moved on. I never will and I am okay with that. Because while there are many people who probably forgot or didn't know what to say, their are still a big group of people that go out of their way to show me that they remember him and love him. I received texts starting at 12am and they didn't stop until 11pm. I also received flowers, calls, Facebook messages, etc. People showed their love in amazing ways.  I will forever be grateful for those that take the time to do the little things, especially the prayers, that help heal the hurt.

One of the many text messages I received that meant the world to me!

   We had a good day. I tend to start the mourning process the night before as I remember being in labor, being pregnant with him, holding him, what he looked like etc. I realized that I wanted people to remember like I do. To be able to see his life as I did. So I made the tribute video. I stayed up way to late because once it was in my mind that I was going to do it, I was not stopping until it was complete. It was frustrating because each time I saved or uploaded it took at least 45 minutes (and if you know me you know that their is always a million drafts.) I was exhausted so I hit upload and went to bed at some point in the am time frame.
   I woke up and decided my bed was a pretty good place for me and stayed until the hubby came to check on me. I finally got up and went straight to work on the video (that unconveniently didn't work while I was sleeping) After hours of editing and uploading I lost my final draft due to a computer glitch.I had to get this done! It had to be up on his birthday! I didn't have any more thing to spare as I had to run a few errands so I hit upload one last time and hoped for the best. The result was my second to final draft. It successfully uploaded so I figured it was meant to be and tried to let the imperfections go (still trying to talk myself out of revising it to add the pictures that were left out and fix obvious timing issues) . If you missed it before here it is.

   SO...video behind me. We ran our errands and came home. We were joined for dinner by my in-laws and my seester and her husband. It was nice to just be. We were sitting there chatting as my in-laws and oldest daughter were watching the video. (Not thinking of course about the repercussions of the emotional 5 year old.) She of course did what would be expected and we (my husband and myself) went to console her. And in her room we wept. Together. As a family who has lost one of its own. Together in each others arms we cried for our baby boy. The loss of our only son and only brother. It was beautiful.
   After we dried our tears we remembered how grateful we were that he was a part of our family. How he was worth celebrating. How grateful we were that he was at home with the Lord, in the place we all long to be. So we went and put his monster trucks (requested by big sister) on his cake, lit his "3" candle and sung "happy birthday" to our baby boy. It was a perfect way to end his day.

Happy Birthday Little Man

My sweet boy,

There are so many things I could say but it is nothing you haven't heard. I miss you. I wonder what you would look like. Sound like. Be like. All of which you know. I have been making a movie to document your life when I realized that I didn't just lose my child but I lost a life. We are doing the best we can to live it for you. I can hardly wait until I get to feel you again. I love you my son. More then I imagined possible. I miss you with everything I am. Have a great birthday in Heaven my boy. Don't eat too much cake. ;)

Love Mommy.

I came across this letter I wrote immediately after he went home to the Lord. It suprises me how true every word of it still is. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live with it.

My Dearest Son,

Wow, words can not describe just how incredibly much I love you and miss you. There are so many things I had wanted to do with you and see you do in your life. I keep imagining what your smile would have looked like. I know it would have been beautiful just like you were.It brings me warmth just thinking about it. No one can ever take your place in my heart my baby boy. Everything I feel is so overwhelming. I have such joy and peace knowing that you are happier then I can even fathom in this life. You know more happiness then I will ever know until I see you and God. I couldn't have wished for anything better for you. The pain I feel is my own, not for you my Donavin. I know you will never experience pain. I know you can see me and your Daddy and your big sister and know how much we all love you. You are still very much a part of this family even though you didn't get much time with us. You will always be our baby boy. Our first born Son. Addyson's baby brother. You have such an amazing Daddy. He had so many plans for things you guys could do together, so much he wanted to teach you. He loves you more then I can imagine or even try to explain but he too is so happy for you. He knows there is no better place in this world for you. He knows that God and Great Grandma are taking care of you. Your big sister was so excited to meet you.She too loves you very much. She gave you lots of kisses when you were in Mommy's belly. She also insisted that you had to share your toys and loved to try to wake you up when you were sleeping in my belly. She is sad she didn't get to see you but she know's you are with Jesus and although she is young I think she understands that you are in a better place. We all suffer a great loss with the loss of your life and it will not be easy to overcome but we can not overlook the joy you've already brought us and we definitely can't overlook the joy you are and will be forever experiencing. You are so loved by so many people my sweet sweet boy. I will see you again someday and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Until then we will live in honor of your memory always striving to be closer to God and closer to you. I love you my baby boy, my Son, my Donavin. I will miss you always.

Love,

Mommy

Bump in the road

Yesterday. Sweet yesterday.

Started out not so sweetly. According to me.

I was having a heavy morning.  Parenting, money, and the impending birthday of my son were all weighing on me a little more so then usual. I had just picked up my daughter from school and was on my way to get boxes so she could pack her things as part of her resent "consequence." I got to the store went in with hungry, tired children.

 Annoyed by the 3 small boxes we got, I loaded them in the car to go home.

Until, my car didn't start. Tried again. Nope, not happening. I am sitting in my car with my 2 tired and hungry girls and the dog. Are you kidding me?! It is raining and I have no one close by to call for help. What I am I going to do!?

I have to walk home. With 2 girls and the dog. Its only a block BUT it is down a busy street with no sidewalks and did I mention it is raining. Oh, and the dog loves to pull me. (pretty sure he thinks I am playing tug-of-war with his leash)

This is awful.

The stresses of trying to keep the girls (and the dog) safe, the money involved in whatever was wrong, and the "how in the world is my oldest going to get to and from school the next 2 days?", were all so overwhelming. I walked home, fed the girls, went to my room, dropped to my knees, prayed, and cried. Then I called my sister and cried some more.

I was in crisis mode. I was stressed and worried.

Here is how the day really happened:

I slept longer then I knew I should have setting myself up for disaster. I was planning on going to Safeway which is a few miles away from my house and driving by Grocery Outlet I made the last second turn for no "apparent" reason. (I really didn't have any desire to go there as I feared it would not yield results) When I realized I was going to have to walk home my youngest was not wearing shoes, had a sweatshirt with no hood on, and I had the dog with no leash. I found both socks and shoes, a warm hat, and a leash in my car. I had everything I needed to get home with out too much trouble. (Which again, was only a block away instead of a few miles) We made it home safely.

We have road side assistance included in our insurance so we could have the truck towed home for free. Which we didn't in fact need. My husband was able to get off 2 hours ahead of schedule and go jump the battery. It started right up. He then went to the part store who determined it was in fact the battery and not something far more expensive.

In fact, the battery was under warranty. It would cost us nothing at all to fix.

We all made the trip to Costco together. Had some pizza while the husband was exchanging the battery. And lived happily ever after.

The moral of the story?

How big is the storm really when you have God on your side? It could have been so much worse. It pretty much happened as perfectly as it could if it were going to happen and there is no way that was all just a product of "good luck." No, that was the product of God looking out for us, for me, and I am pretty sure my sanity. ;)

I learned that I would have saved myself a whole lot of stress and tears if I would have completely trusted and relied on God from the very beginning. Once I completely lifted the problem to him I was able to see the mountain for what it really was. Nothing but a little bump in the road.

Truth be told, I am slightly embarrassed at how I let it get to me. I know better. I am however, laughing at myself (pretty sure God is too as you know we as parents tend to find amusement in the way our children think and do things sometimes) and I thought you might be able to use a good laugh as well.

The cost of my breakdown ;)

Storm Before the Calm

Here we are.
  5 days away from my baby boy's birthday.
 Yet, again I am reminded of the 3rd birthday party I am not planning. No decorations or presents. No 3 year old. I feel robbed of the sweet innocence of a 3 year old little boy. I feel robbed of the craziness that comes with having a boy. Especially, a toddler. I strenuously try to imagine what it would be like. I know I have no idea. I know I never will.  You hear it all the time, girls are so different then boys. I will never get to experience that difference. Its heart wrenching, tear producing, horror each time I remember that I have a son who I do not get to experience raising. I know someday I will get to feel his embrace in life after but days like today that produces little comfort as my arms hang heavy longing to embrace the warmth and weight that only my 3 year old Donavin is able to produce. It is not only a emotional longing but the sensation is so intense it is actually physical.

  The days before his day, the weight builds. Its heavier and heavier. The weight of the loss. All we are missing without him here. All of the unanswered questions. The never ending knowledge that without him here our family is not complete.

   Adding to the weight is an irrational fear I have, that people will forget him. Because every year I am pleasantly surprised by all those who take the time who share that they were touched by his life with sweet gestures and kind words. I just worry that as time goes by he will be so far in the past that the distant memory of his short sweet life will be forgotten.

  On his birthday I release it all. I dive into everything I have left of him and with each tear my load gets lighter. Until what I am left with is an unending love for him and gratitude to God for giving him what he only could.

  We celebrate his sweet life. We have cake and sing "Happy Birthday." We are grateful for his life and his impact on us. We will always celebrate that.

January Sucks

   January.

  Is it over yet?

January is not just a hard month for me but my family as a whole. 3 years ago we not only lost our only son but 2 weeks later we also lost my husband's grandpa. I said it then and I will say it now. January sucks.

I am trying to not hate the WHOLE month these days and just THE specific days but it is difficult when I change the calendar and see January. I know what is coming. The one day a year that I  unleash the grief and great loss. I submerge myself in everything I have left of my boy. I try to imagine what he would look like at 3 years old. 3 YEARS OLD! It seems like forever ago and it seems like yesterday. There is weight my arms will never hold again. That is still, 3 years later, hard to wrap my mind around.

This year is going to be a little different as I mourn a new loss. The place where he existed physically to me is no longer available for me to visit. For the first time I can not sit in only place in the world I held him in my arms. I can not walk the path my husband did to carve his initials on that tree. I have to let go of the place where I actually felt his skin against mine. I am having a hard time with that. I know it will be ok eventually and logically I know it is just a place and he is a part of me wherever I am.

 

But there is that part of me that longs to relive the day over again in its completeness. The blanket I had wrapped around me, the smell of my surroundings, and the soup that was the only thing that could make me feel warmth. I want all of it back just to bring me closer to him. To that moment when he was still mine.

The blanket wasn't mine. The surroundings are gone and I can never make the soup taste right. My son is gone. Truth be told, he was never mine. He was God's and God called him home. As much as it aches, I love him more for it.

New Year, No Fear.

 
  This past year I have let go. I have let go of the burdens and chains that come with fear and negativity. Sure, I still have bad days. I still get irritated but I have learned to let go. I have learned a sense of peace that comes with lifting the heaviness of the negative up to God. I have learned to focus on the light of the world and not the darkness. I know its there but I choose to focus on the light. Some people might call that immature but truthfully I think its immature not to. So many people get caught up in the negativity in the world that it tends to take the priority above the light. The news rarely shows you the good stories because the public wants to focus on the bad. Materialism has taken the place of kindness in the world. I refuse to let it consume me. I refuse to teach my kids that it is more important to have something shiny then help someone in need. I refuse to live in the fear of the unknown. I instead choose to live in the gracious light of the Lord.  (Yes Ma'am...I am on a role. 3 in a row! I am trying for the Bible Thumper Maniac of the year award ;)  I found this picture online that pretty much sums it up perfectly.

   The last time I wrote a new year's resolution I was in high school. Sure the occasional goal was written and forgotten about but I've certainly been living step by step without a clue as to what was at the top of the stair case. I just could not see through all the nonsense in my life.

<insert theme song "I can see clearly now , the rain is gone!" here>

  Yes, my friends, I can indeed see clearly and while I may not know exactly what is at the top of that stair case I can tell you that with God by my side I am excited to get there. I know that He is in charge of my life and that is exactly how I am supposed to be living. Which in deed, has made things much clearer. I can see steps ahead taking shape and I have more stamina then ever to get where ever he is leading me.

  I know that he is leading me because I am eager to start and end my day with him. I get on here with the intention of writing nothing in particular and this is what comes of it. My love of the Lord. My passion for my life with the Lord. My new bff! Oh yes, I am one of the Nerd girls who calls Jesus her best friend. <Insert rainbows and sunshine here....actually rainbows would be appropriate> Aren't you excited?

  With the Lord, I have new resolutions. Not just new year resolutions. I have a passion to learn, teach, know and talk to the Lord in an ever-going en devour. I have come to know his love in a great way and it has been unleashed inside of me. I want more then ever to share that love with everyone I know. (you haven't notice right?) I have let go of my fear of being judged as a bible thumper and embraced it. (after all, all the cool kids are doing it)  (unless, of course that includes standing in front of people who are expecting words to come out of my mouth...that is just a train wreck waiting to happen) This is how I intend to live this and every year coming forth.

I have however come up with a few focus points for the year: 

Spend more time in prayer. 

1 Thessalonians 5:17 ~ Pray without ceasing

Psalms 145:18 ~ The LORD is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth.

1 Chronicles 16:11 ~ Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

Treat my body better. Get healthier. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 ~  So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 

1 Corinthians 9:27 ~ But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 

Be a better steward with the money God provides. 

Proverbs 21:20 ~ In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has. 

Romans 13:8 ~ Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 

Proverbs 22:6 ~ Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. 

Improve the Wifey and Mommy skills.  

Proverbs 31:10 ~ An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 ~ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

Proverbs 14:1 ~ The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. 

It can all be summed up to say:

Be more like God intended me to be. 

  I have spent a lot of my time in recent posts talking about me....Tell me about you. What is the most life affecting lesson you have learned this year? Any bold aspirations for the new year? Any tips or advice you want to give me for mine?? I'm all ears.

Reflections

   I often wonder what my 16 year old self would have to say to my present self. It is no secret that as a teenager I was lost, living with no direction. I had no big plans for the future but I had so many judgments on how others lived its almost embarrassing. I fantasized about getting married and having children, daydreaming about what they would look like, my family. That's it. That's as deep as I went. I was living each moment clinging to my youth without a clue as to what was missing. I dove into drama. I had to rescue others from persecution when all the while I was merely including myself into the chaos. I was a teenager. I had issues just as everyone else on the planet did. I could blame many factors on my upbringing but its meaningless to do so. I was a teenager and I knew everything... about nothing.

   Today I know nothing about everything...or so it seems. My hunger for knowledge is my addiction and truthfully in this day and age quiet the challenge. It seems everywhere you turn you can find 1,000 different opinions and little to no actual facts. Not to mention, the million or so distractions that require your attention prior to your literary infatuation. So the knowledge thing is a meaningless pursuit without a foundation on which to base it.

   So I got to thinking. What is my foundation? What makes me tick and thrive? What is it that makes my life worth living? (Here is where my 16 year old self would have judged my present self as a bible thumper and continued to tune out while smiling and nodding and screaming of boredom inside.)This one is a no brainer.
God.
 (Yes, I know second post in a row in which I become a bible thumping maniac. ps. Someone should really make a rap song out of that) But the words are beating their way out of my fingers and can't be stopped. Ok, truth be told I have no intention of stopping them . People that knew me back then, my 16 year old self included, would laugh in sheer amusement about the words that are about to come from ME.

   God is the sole reason I am a somewhat normal, functioning, human being at this point and really every point in my life, even without my knowledge of it. I have had trials. Shocker right? My point is that I shiver at the thought of my 16 year old, love for Jesus-less-ness, self going through the trials I have. My guess is that without him I would still be that 16 year old who knew everything about nothing version of my self finding other addictions to fill the void in my life as so many others around me have done.

   This year is nearly over and I have to say this has been a big year...or more realistically few months worth of growth for me. I have, through this amazing "transformeter challenge" study at my church, found this incredible way to connect and communicate with God. It has unleashed a new found passion in me. Actually a few but who is counting. Primarily my passion for knowledge. I love to read. I love words and wouldn't you know...the bible is FULL of them. Good ones too! Hence the foundation aspect. I love to learn and in a world where the truth is hard to decipher it is monumental to have the foundation and truth of God and the bible to stand on. It has allowed me to find my voice even with the knowledge that at times people may not want to hear it, others it may be too quiet or even be too loud, and it may come with the tears of being a shattered person with many broken pieces I, or more accurately God, is still gluing back together.

If I could talk to that 16 year old it would go something like this.

Undisclosed age me:
   You wonder about your future self and here I am ! We are married to D. Yes, D! Marriage is hard. It is not a fairy tale. It is better but it is a challenge. We have 3 beautiful kids. 2 living. 2 beautiful girls breathing and healthy, precious gifts from the Lord. Parenting is another one of those not a fairy tale, challenging, but wondrous things. And an amazing relationship with Jesus!

16 year old me:
   Wait? We had a child die? How are you still alive speaking to me?! The world had to have ended right?! and did you just say Jesus?

Undisclosed age me:
   Yes, we had a handsome baby boy who was meant for heaven. He was one of the best gifts we have ever received from...yes, God. We have an amazing, ever growing relationship with Jesus and that IS the best gift we have ever received.

16 year old me:
   Great so you are telling me that I lose a son and turn into one of those know it all, better than you Christians that think they are all high and mighty. That's just great...I am thrilled. (accompanied by extreme amounts of sarcasm.)  How in the world (ok, being honest...at 16 probably wouldn't have used the word "world.") did that happened?

Undisclosed age me:
   No, I am telling you that you have an amazing husband, 2 wonderful, smart, beautiful girls, a son who has taught you more than you could have ever hoped to learn about life, love and God. A relationship the Lord unlike anything words know to describe. A relationship that has shown you a love you don't even know how to wish for and taught you that you are in fact better than NO one and broken and shattered like everyone else but that is okay because you in fact ARE loved now and even then by a forgiving, gracious God who just wants you to love yourself like he loves you, so that you can love others they way he does. Not to mention the many other perks that come from loving him and embracing his love.
I am telling you that you have more than you even know to dream of and you have more love you never knew existed.

   So there it is. My conversation with myself...ok maybe I should rethink this post. Oh well, its out so its happening.

In conclusion:
(yes, I have a  point after all!)
   This year has had its ups and downs, trials and celebrations and a whole heck of a lot has changed but I honestly think that the biggest thing that has changed has been my perspective. I had God in my life before but now I am trying to see my life through God's eyes and live accordingly. I have judged myself and my relationship with God based on where I believe others are in their relationship with God. So basically I was judging myself based on where I judged others to be. Tell me why I am JUST now seeing something wrong with that picture? Just as you can not judge your relationship with other people based on their relationships with others, you can not judge your relationship with God based on others relationships with him. (Confused yet?) My problem was that I wasn't aware I was judging. I was looking in awe at their seemingly perfect relationship with God. Without a clue of how to get what they had. Without a clue that I was neglecting my own relationship with him.  Once I gave that burden of judging back to the Lord our relationship soared.  As did my passion to know him and know of him and to share his undying love with others.

   I am Christian. I am human. I make mistakes. I sin. I sometimes judge when its not my place or swear when I get too easily frustrated. I have not always been the greatest example of what a person with good morals looks like.  My life is not perfect. It is a beautiful mess but my foundation is firm so I can stand strong in the Lord and know that my mistakes do NOT define me. How I accept and show His love DOES.

   We're pretty tight, me and God. We both laugh at my illogical ways of thinking sometimes but I am human and he is cool with that and I am learning to be too.

The warm fuzzies of the not warm or fuzzy.

When you've experienced an emotionally intense day such as mine. It is hard to put the words into play that you yourself want to hear. They dance around my head taunting my presence in front of the computer. "You are here with an open blog, now what profound insight have you for us?."
I have nothing. My words are nothing and mean nothing without the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am nothing without him.
I have God in my life. <-----oh ya, I just went there. But wait there is more! (please note you have now been forewarned) I am no where close to perfect. I have more flaws then I can count but I also have more love then I have ever known in my life. I have great relationships and not so great ones. The MOST meaningful relationship I have is with God. It has not been an easy one...we have it out sometimes but most the time (OK OK FINE) ALL of the time...he wins because his presence in my life has been the most prominent, life altering, positive, scary, hard, humbling thing I have ever experienced and it is far from over.
The biggest thing that has changed in me since I became a Christ follower is my view of the world. The world is and will always be a scary place until His return. What matters is our reaction to the evil of the world. I have been one to struggle with fear so much so that it has had physical affects but I have found that the more present God is in my life the less fear I have. It is not because He promises to make me rich, or healthy, or keep me from horrible situations...in fact I have had poverty, illness, and tremendous trials in my life. (We all have right) It is because I am allowing him to be my strength, my courage, and my hope. Without him I am nothing but susceptible to the world and all its negativity with him I am armed. I have compassion and love and not hate and blame. You can call him my crutch if you want..I am ok with that because I KNOW I am broken.
Why the unanticipated rant?? Here is why. Because some of my first emotions after hearing about the horrific tragedy in Connecticut was sorrow not only for the kids, teachers, and parents but for people in the world that are going to turn to fear, hatred, and blame. Weather it is geared toward God, guns, or the shooter himself. This appalling act, in my humble opinion, was not because of any of the above. Yes, it is my belief mental illness had its part but it was caused by something far more evil with the intention of spreading the fear, hatred, and blame. The sad truth is it has worked on a lot of levels. People are taking the death of the innocent and using it for their own agendas. Forgetting that these lives had a purpose and it is highly doubtful that it was to cause a battle among the nation over a difference in beliefs. Yes, I know am spewing my belief in God on you right now in hopes that you will receive it well. If not, its ok. You won't offend me. I can agree to disagree with a smile on my face and I will not love you any less.
The point of this God isn't always warm and fuzzy. He doesn't always intervene when we think he should or answer prayers in a way that we would like but there is always a purpose. His timing is perfect. There are many evils in the world that do not have his name on it but only he has the ability to turn something so broken into something beyond beautiful. We can pull together and show strangers the love and compassion they deserve. The love Jesus tells us to show one another. The love you will find when you look at most teachers and 6 and 7 year olds. The love they would have been awe struck to see honoring them. The love they now know and experience daily.
I have been lucky enough to experience this love. Today especially, as my church family sat together mourning and broken. For the families of the lives lost and for those who were there to witness the tragedies in our nation. As well as for us as individuals with the personal trials we each face. We got down on our knees and lifted it all to the only One who can take something tragic and turn it into something beautiful. The love in that room for and from God and each other was something truly beautiful.  
My prayer is that we see more of that kind of love in the world.

Capture your grief

This month I decided to take part in "Capture Your Grief." I didn't realize how hard it would be. I am only on day 3. Yet, as hard as it is to let the shattered part of me through I am excited to continue because strangely enough the more shattered I feel, the closer I feel to my son.

So much time and life has gone by since I held my sweet boy in my arms. There are a million things going on with me, the girls, the husband, and our family as a whole. Life has indeed, moved on. I however, never will. I still think, hope, wish, dream, and occasionally talk to my son every day. Yet, very rarely these days do I allow myself to feel the shattered part of me. I do not take the time to cry. I do not take the time to dwell. Sometimes I feel guilt because of it and others I know that when I need to I will. I think perhaps with all that has been going on in life I have waited to long.

Taking part in this project is opening wounds. I avoided it at first asking myself if I really wanted to dwell in my grief and then I realized that its not about dwelling in my grief, its about the journey I am on and living in honor of my baby boy. It is about telling the world that he is still very much a part of me every day, every minute, every breath. These wounds will not heal, they might not hurt as bad sometimes, but they will never heal. So I will gladly dive into the pictures of the most heart wrenching and painfully difficult time of my life with tears running down my face. I will gladly feel the mark left by the person who has had the biggest impact on who I am today. I will embrace my son with every inch of my being.

I lost a child. There will always be a part of me missing but I have gained so much knowledge and compassion and understanding on this journey. Life is too short for most of the crap we allow to take control. Sometimes things will shatter every part of you so that God can build you to be a better version of yourself. I am a better person because of my son. I am a better mother because of my son. I am a better wife because of my son. Most importantly though, I am a better daughter of Christ because of my son.

Happy Happy Birthday My Boy

Dearest Donavin,

Well, today marks the 2nd year since you both graced us with your beautiful face and said goodbye. I miss you more with every day that passes and to be honest I am not sure how I have gotten through the last 2 years with out you. Scratch that, I know how. Its the power that keeps us connected. It is Jesus. You are safe in His loving arms and that gives me more comfort then even I can comprehend.
2 years old. You would be walking, talking, and if you are anything like your father...driving me nuts. ;) Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. I look for you in the face of every toddler that is about your age. Wonder what you would look like, sound like, smell like. I miss you.
You have more of my love then I ever thought was possible for someone I spent so little time with. I wonder what your celebration in heaven is like...I can't wait to be a part of it. I long for the day that I can hold you in my arms again. I long for the day our family is complete again. Until that day my sweet boy know that I miss you deeply and miss you more.

Happy 2nd Birthday.

"My Angel, my darling, my star, my love will find you wherever you are."

For Donavin

I want to scream to the world to remember

But I want them to see it on their own.

I want the world to need you with us

But know that you are safe at home.

I want to climb the rooftop to scream your name,

Only to get there and see others waiting to do the same.

I want your memory to be more than a fleeting thought.

I want people to look to you and get more than what they sought.

I want people to speak your name with a smile

Not turn your memory into a dated file.

I want others to say you mattered like you matter to me.

But no one will ever know, no one will see.