I have a son.
He died.
Sometimes I forget.
Life is busy. Sometimes that is sweet. Sometimes not ,but life is busy non the less. I enjoy my business most days because for the most part I do it for purposes I love. I get caught up in the day to day. The to-do lists of it all.
I think of him daily in passing. I have momentos everywhere that represent my sweet boy. Including a necklace I only take off 10 minutes a day (if I am lucky) to shower but he is so ingrained in everything I do that I sometimes forget to look past the "memento" and remember that I had a son. He died. He is no longer here and will not return to this world. (No matter how many times Addy asks)
Then it happens. You are going through the motions hiding the Easter basket stuff in an empty chest when you realize it is not empty but has one of his boxes in it. You set it aside and put the stuff away.
Stop.
Stare.
Remember.
Contemplate.
It is such a beautiful box. It was made by a beautiful person. It is labeled "Letters to Heaven." You know what is in it. You know what will happen if you open it. Everything will stop and you will remember. You had a son. He died. You are missing a huge part of you. But the box is beautiful. It was made to be opened and it hasn't been opened in a long, long time.
I opened the box. I remembered and I was reminded that I wasn't the only one who was touched by my precious baby boy. You see this particular box was out at his first birthday celebration. In it is letters to Donavin. Not just my Donavin, but their Donavin. It reminded me of all the lives he has touched and all the beautiful people I have in my life who helped God lift me up when I couldn't carry myself. People I hadn't expected. People with beautiful words for my son that have touched my life in a most inspiring way.
Sometimes, I forget. Sometimes, they do too. It is because he is an everyday part of our lives that we forget that it took much pain to get here. In the moments after his death, I feared these days. I never thought they would come. Now I know that it is not something to be feared but something to remember. It took a lot to get to this point.
Today is Good Friday.
I can't help but think of the connection. Today is the day we remember Jesus's death and how he willingly died so that we could be forgiven. He is not just my Jesus, he is everyone's. Were those around him, who loved him dearly at the time of His death feeling the same as I? Did they mourn with deep reverence? Did they too have the little mementos so ingrained in everyday life that they too soon forgot to take the time to remember?
Today. Do we too have mementos of Jesus that are so ingrained in our everyday lives that we forget to stop and take the time to remember the sacrifice that made this life possible? Do we forget to mourn the one who gave His life for ours, the one that first loved us so that we may know and show love? Do we get so caught up in the to-do lists of it all that we forget to give him the second glance he so reverently deserves? Do we only stop to stare, remember, and contemplate on the day of his death or day of his rising?
No, He was made to be remembered. He was made by a beautiful God. He is everything beautiful in this world. I love the life He has given me and I don't want to forget the pain He endured to bring me here. I need to make everything stop so that I can take the time to remember.
I have a Savior.
He died.
Sometimes I forget.
Lucky for me, He died to forgive.
Lucky for me, He lives to teach me to remember.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Interrupting the "Wisdom" for a Parental Break Down
This is what I saw when I woke up this morning and checked the calendar.
This is what caused an explosive leak in both my eyes...at the same time.
This is why I am reluctant to let tomorrow come...
My baby is turning 6.
Its a big deal!
No, really it is.
If I didn't like birthdays so much I might just take the calendar down and pretend its not happening.
I have TRIED to convince her that she is turning 5 again but teaching her how to count has come back to bite me.
We have moved on to TWO hands people!
This is a big deal for more then my mild obsession to convince my children to stay little forever. This is terrifying. So long as we could count her age on one hand we were safe. The teenage years were far away but they are coming and I am terrified. How am I supposed to raise a God loving, self respecting, others oriented, kindhearted, smart, young woman in a world with so many worldly things working against me? How in the world do I find balance with letting her participate in things like social media and still help her to enjoy the present physical world? How do I teach her that Jesus is all she will need? How do I tell her that just because "all her friends are doing it" does not mean it is allowed? How do I teach her there are RESPECTFUL ways to disagree with an adult but regardless of the disagreement she is still the child? How? I am at a loss. Have I mentioned I am terrified?
Yes, I am fully aware that she is "only" turning 6 but it seems that these days that means I only have 6 years left until she is full on Pre-Teen.These 6 years have flown by MUCH faster then anticipated so that certainly doesn't leave much hope for the next 6. Is it just me or are the teenage years every Mom's worst nightmare? How will I survive?! How did this even happen?!
Breath.
Pray.
Breath.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.
On a good note. I have managed to keep her alive and well for 6 years! Yay me!...oh and the hubby, I guess he helped too ;) And in my EXTREMELY biased opinion she is sweet, smart, considerate, loving, God loving little girl. She lights up my world and shows me every day just how beautiful God's blessings can be. I am lucky to call her my daughter and I know that with God in her life she will be just fine.
Breath.
Pray.
Sigh.
This is what caused an explosive leak in both my eyes...at the same time.
This is why I am reluctant to let tomorrow come...
My baby is turning 6.
Its a big deal!
No, really it is.
If I didn't like birthdays so much I might just take the calendar down and pretend its not happening.
I have TRIED to convince her that she is turning 5 again but teaching her how to count has come back to bite me.
We have moved on to TWO hands people!
This is a big deal for more then my mild obsession to convince my children to stay little forever. This is terrifying. So long as we could count her age on one hand we were safe. The teenage years were far away but they are coming and I am terrified. How am I supposed to raise a God loving, self respecting, others oriented, kindhearted, smart, young woman in a world with so many worldly things working against me? How in the world do I find balance with letting her participate in things like social media and still help her to enjoy the present physical world? How do I teach her that Jesus is all she will need? How do I tell her that just because "all her friends are doing it" does not mean it is allowed? How do I teach her there are RESPECTFUL ways to disagree with an adult but regardless of the disagreement she is still the child? How? I am at a loss. Have I mentioned I am terrified?
Yes, I am fully aware that she is "only" turning 6 but it seems that these days that means I only have 6 years left until she is full on Pre-Teen.These 6 years have flown by MUCH faster then anticipated so that certainly doesn't leave much hope for the next 6. Is it just me or are the teenage years every Mom's worst nightmare? How will I survive?! How did this even happen?!
Breath.
Pray.
Breath.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.
Pray.
On a good note. I have managed to keep her alive and well for 6 years! Yay me!...oh and the hubby, I guess he helped too ;) And in my EXTREMELY biased opinion she is sweet, smart, considerate, loving, God loving little girl. She lights up my world and shows me every day just how beautiful God's blessings can be. I am lucky to call her my daughter and I know that with God in her life she will be just fine.
Breath.
Pray.
Sigh.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Be Salty Salt
Be Salty Salt.
It's my new motto.
Now, if you are like me your mind jumps back to the once famous musical talent's of Salt N' Pepa. Which makes me smile. And laugh. And then cringe. In exactly that order. And as desperate as my fingers are to type explanations of all of the above...I am afraid that would completely derail this post and likely have opposite affects of the desired intention.
No folks, this post (as misleading as the the title may be to most of you..or maybe just me) is not in fact, about the infamous Salt N' Pepa* but about doing the work God has called us to do. (Did I really just use Salt N' Pepa and God in the same sentence!? Lord, help me.)
Ok....must not get derailed.
(Fair warning...this may be a lost cause. I seem to be having a difficult time getting to the point. ;)
So here it is. God calls us to be the salt of the earth. But what does that mean? I know what it means to me and I will get to that later but I was curious to see what Google had to say about it. I came up with many wonderful adjectives; dependable, good, kind, helpful, caring, considerate. In general it seems to be known as a person having a positive impact on others.
So God wants us to have a positive impact on others, be good, kind, dependable, caring, considerate, and helpful? Yes. I believe he wants us to be all those things. But is it enough?
That was a question I asked myself tonight as I was doing my SOAP on Luke 14:34- 35.
34 “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35 It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
Is it enough to be nice and blend in? I mean salt is salt right? No. I believe this passage is saying it is not and actually if you have a Life Application study bible you will see the notes say the same. It is not enough to blend in.
Don't get me wrong. The sad truth is in this day and age I believe that just being the "salt of the earth" will set you apart from others. The truth is a lot of people do not want to take the time to be nice, considerate, and courteous. Not all, but a lot.
My revelation through my SOAP tonight was that if we embrace what God has given us...we will be "salty salt." If we use the gifts he has graciously blessed us with to the best of our ability and pair it with being the "salt of the earth" (or an exemplary example of a nice person) we will be "salty salt." We will do more then blend in with a crowd. We will require that second glance and if we are on the right track we will cause enough commotion to have people question the why and the how of what we do. And I believe, if our hearts are in the right place and our focus is on our heavenly Father, we will have an opportunity to give the glory to God. That folks, is what being "the salt of the earth" means to me.
Just to be clear, I do not believe God wants us to be in the spotlight. I believe He wants us to challenge others to put HIM in the spotlight. In fact, looking back now that is exactly what brought ME to CHRIST in the first place. My (now) husband was a better version of himself then I had previously known. All sorts of changes had taken place for the better. He was being "Salty Salt." (I really should start calling him that for my own entertainment purposes) When he had caused enough commotion for me to start asking the why's and how's ...he gave me one simply complicated answer. Jesus. Then he asked ME to go to CHURCH! And you know what, I was just curious enough to say yes.
Here is the ironic part. All I have ever wanted to do is blend in. Be accepted, liked, maybe even loved but blend in. I never wanted to stand out in a crowd. Speaking in public terrifies me. I trip and stumble over my words and give the redness of a tomato a run for its money. (This has been proven more times then I care to count) It is because it challenges me that I know that it is important. God doesn't give us easy. He gives us character. He builds that character by challenging what we settle to believe of ourselves.
My friends, I do not believe that God wants us to ride the waves. I believe he wants us to create them.
He wants us to be the superb seasoning in a bland world.
He wants us to be SALTY SALT. :)
*Please note that I intentionally did not post any links or pictures related to Salt N Pepa out of sheer embarrassment that they are even mentioned in this post. Just trying to keep it real folks...Just trying to keep it real ;)
It's my new motto.
Now, if you are like me your mind jumps back to the once famous musical talent's of Salt N' Pepa. Which makes me smile. And laugh. And then cringe. In exactly that order. And as desperate as my fingers are to type explanations of all of the above...I am afraid that would completely derail this post and likely have opposite affects of the desired intention.
No folks, this post (as misleading as the the title may be to most of you..or maybe just me) is not in fact, about the infamous Salt N' Pepa* but about doing the work God has called us to do. (Did I really just use Salt N' Pepa and God in the same sentence!? Lord, help me.)
Ok....must not get derailed.
(Fair warning...this may be a lost cause. I seem to be having a difficult time getting to the point. ;)
So here it is. God calls us to be the salt of the earth. But what does that mean? I know what it means to me and I will get to that later but I was curious to see what Google had to say about it. I came up with many wonderful adjectives; dependable, good, kind, helpful, caring, considerate. In general it seems to be known as a person having a positive impact on others.
So God wants us to have a positive impact on others, be good, kind, dependable, caring, considerate, and helpful? Yes. I believe he wants us to be all those things. But is it enough?
That was a question I asked myself tonight as I was doing my SOAP on Luke 14:34- 35.
34 “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35 It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
Is it enough to be nice and blend in? I mean salt is salt right? No. I believe this passage is saying it is not and actually if you have a Life Application study bible you will see the notes say the same. It is not enough to blend in.
Don't get me wrong. The sad truth is in this day and age I believe that just being the "salt of the earth" will set you apart from others. The truth is a lot of people do not want to take the time to be nice, considerate, and courteous. Not all, but a lot.
My revelation through my SOAP tonight was that if we embrace what God has given us...we will be "salty salt." If we use the gifts he has graciously blessed us with to the best of our ability and pair it with being the "salt of the earth" (or an exemplary example of a nice person) we will be "salty salt." We will do more then blend in with a crowd. We will require that second glance and if we are on the right track we will cause enough commotion to have people question the why and the how of what we do. And I believe, if our hearts are in the right place and our focus is on our heavenly Father, we will have an opportunity to give the glory to God. That folks, is what being "the salt of the earth" means to me.
Just to be clear, I do not believe God wants us to be in the spotlight. I believe He wants us to challenge others to put HIM in the spotlight. In fact, looking back now that is exactly what brought ME to CHRIST in the first place. My (now) husband was a better version of himself then I had previously known. All sorts of changes had taken place for the better. He was being "Salty Salt." (I really should start calling him that for my own entertainment purposes) When he had caused enough commotion for me to start asking the why's and how's ...he gave me one simply complicated answer. Jesus. Then he asked ME to go to CHURCH! And you know what, I was just curious enough to say yes.
Here is the ironic part. All I have ever wanted to do is blend in. Be accepted, liked, maybe even loved but blend in. I never wanted to stand out in a crowd. Speaking in public terrifies me. I trip and stumble over my words and give the redness of a tomato a run for its money. (This has been proven more times then I care to count) It is because it challenges me that I know that it is important. God doesn't give us easy. He gives us character. He builds that character by challenging what we settle to believe of ourselves.
My friends, I do not believe that God wants us to ride the waves. I believe he wants us to create them.
He wants us to be the superb seasoning in a bland world.
He wants us to be SALTY SALT. :)
*Please note that I intentionally did not post any links or pictures related to Salt N Pepa out of sheer embarrassment that they are even mentioned in this post. Just trying to keep it real folks...Just trying to keep it real ;)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Childlike Faith...
Here I am again. I wonder what is in store. Ok, I at least have an idea this time.
It can mean different things to different people.
I learned last night what it meant to me. To have "Childlike Faith" (as Jesus put it) is to be brave, bold, and completely and lovingly trusting. Not the first thing you think of when you think of Children I am sure. In fact, for a long time I associated it with being innocent, fragile, and blissfully ignorant. I am in awe of just how wrong I was. (Me, wrong? Shocker right?!? ;)
You see last night I got to witness childlike faith in action. I got the privileged of seeing a typically quiet little boy step up and volunteer to pray in front of 15 or so of his peers. He was praying for another child who had gotten hurt earlier in the evening. The prayer itself was beautiful and I was amazed at his genuine love, concern, and compassion for his fellow classmate. Yet, as I reflected even more I realize I was more amazed at his braveness, boldness, and his complete loving trust in the Lord. I was amazed at this child's childlike faith.
I don't know about you but I consider stepping up to speak in front of anyone brave. This boy was brave enough to do it in front of 15 of his peers without a blink of an eye. If he had any fear of being judged you didn't see it. As an adult, I fear judgement. As I child I know I was quiet the judge myself. For this little one to overcome that and not only speak but pray, where you tend to be more vulnerable, was an exemplary picture of bravery.
He was bold as well. He knew why he was praying, to whom he was praying, and for what he was praying and he was not afraid to ask for it. He prayed for the little boy who was hurt, the doctors, and the right medicine. He knew what he wanted for the other little boy and he didn't hesitate to ask. I think sometimes we get too caught up with thinking we have no right to ask God for anything with all he has given us already...even when the prayer is for someone else. I know at times when I consider what I am praying for I wonder why God would bother with those things when there are so many others who need more. Who's needs are greater. We lose sight of the fact that we have an ALL powerful God who is capable of far more then our mind can begin to comprehend. A God who's love for us is greater then we will ever know. This boy showed not only that he knew those things but that he believed them wholeheartedly.
All of the above points to one powerful conclusion. That little boy loved and trusted God completely. I don't even know how to elaborate on that. He cast every fear he had aside out of love for God and love for the other child. He knew God had the power to provide what was needed and trusted Him to do so. He trusted that God would protect him if he should encounter judgement. He trusted the Holy Spirit to give him the right words. He knew the Father was with him, loved him, would listen to him, and love and help those he prayed for. No questions. He knew.
That my dear friends, is childlike faith as Jesus put it.
Unquestionable trust.
Genuine love of others.
Bravery to overcome scary situations.
Boldness to talk to God as if he is...God.
Love for God.
Unconditional TRUST.
Simple but powerful.
It can mean different things to different people.
I learned last night what it meant to me. To have "Childlike Faith" (as Jesus put it) is to be brave, bold, and completely and lovingly trusting. Not the first thing you think of when you think of Children I am sure. In fact, for a long time I associated it with being innocent, fragile, and blissfully ignorant. I am in awe of just how wrong I was. (Me, wrong? Shocker right?!? ;)
You see last night I got to witness childlike faith in action. I got the privileged of seeing a typically quiet little boy step up and volunteer to pray in front of 15 or so of his peers. He was praying for another child who had gotten hurt earlier in the evening. The prayer itself was beautiful and I was amazed at his genuine love, concern, and compassion for his fellow classmate. Yet, as I reflected even more I realize I was more amazed at his braveness, boldness, and his complete loving trust in the Lord. I was amazed at this child's childlike faith.
I don't know about you but I consider stepping up to speak in front of anyone brave. This boy was brave enough to do it in front of 15 of his peers without a blink of an eye. If he had any fear of being judged you didn't see it. As an adult, I fear judgement. As I child I know I was quiet the judge myself. For this little one to overcome that and not only speak but pray, where you tend to be more vulnerable, was an exemplary picture of bravery.
He was bold as well. He knew why he was praying, to whom he was praying, and for what he was praying and he was not afraid to ask for it. He prayed for the little boy who was hurt, the doctors, and the right medicine. He knew what he wanted for the other little boy and he didn't hesitate to ask. I think sometimes we get too caught up with thinking we have no right to ask God for anything with all he has given us already...even when the prayer is for someone else. I know at times when I consider what I am praying for I wonder why God would bother with those things when there are so many others who need more. Who's needs are greater. We lose sight of the fact that we have an ALL powerful God who is capable of far more then our mind can begin to comprehend. A God who's love for us is greater then we will ever know. This boy showed not only that he knew those things but that he believed them wholeheartedly.
All of the above points to one powerful conclusion. That little boy loved and trusted God completely. I don't even know how to elaborate on that. He cast every fear he had aside out of love for God and love for the other child. He knew God had the power to provide what was needed and trusted Him to do so. He trusted that God would protect him if he should encounter judgement. He trusted the Holy Spirit to give him the right words. He knew the Father was with him, loved him, would listen to him, and love and help those he prayed for. No questions. He knew.
That my dear friends, is childlike faith as Jesus put it.
Unquestionable trust.
Genuine love of others.
Bravery to overcome scary situations.
Boldness to talk to God as if he is...God.
Love for God.
Unconditional TRUST.
Simple but powerful.
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