This month I decided to take part in "Capture Your Grief." I didn't realize how hard it would be. I am only on day 3. Yet, as hard as it is to let the shattered part of me through I am excited to continue because strangely enough the more shattered I feel, the closer I feel to my son.
So much time and life has gone by since I held my sweet boy in my arms. There are a million things going on with me, the girls, the husband, and our family as a whole. Life has indeed, moved on. I however, never will. I still think, hope, wish, dream, and occasionally talk to my son every day. Yet, very rarely these days do I allow myself to feel the shattered part of me. I do not take the time to cry. I do not take the time to dwell. Sometimes I feel guilt because of it and others I know that when I need to I will. I think perhaps with all that has been going on in life I have waited to long.
Taking part in this project is opening wounds. I avoided it at first asking myself if I really wanted to dwell in my grief and then I realized that its not about dwelling in my grief, its about the journey I am on and living in honor of my baby boy. It is about telling the world that he is still very much a part of me every day, every minute, every breath. These wounds will not heal, they might not hurt as bad sometimes, but they will never heal. So I will gladly dive into the pictures of the most heart wrenching and painfully difficult time of my life with tears running down my face. I will gladly feel the mark left by the person who has had the biggest impact on who I am today. I will embrace my son with every inch of my being.
I lost a child. There will always be a part of me missing but I have gained so much knowledge and compassion and understanding on this journey. Life is too short for most of the crap we allow to take control. Sometimes things will shatter every part of you so that God can build you to be a better version of yourself. I am a better person because of my son. I am a better mother because of my son. I am a better wife because of my son. Most importantly though, I am a better daughter of Christ because of my son.