Storm Before the Calm

Here we are.
  5 days away from my baby boy's birthday.
 Yet, again I am reminded of the 3rd birthday party I am not planning. No decorations or presents. No 3 year old. I feel robbed of the sweet innocence of a 3 year old little boy. I feel robbed of the craziness that comes with having a boy. Especially, a toddler. I strenuously try to imagine what it would be like. I know I have no idea. I know I never will.  You hear it all the time, girls are so different then boys. I will never get to experience that difference. Its heart wrenching, tear producing, horror each time I remember that I have a son who I do not get to experience raising. I know someday I will get to feel his embrace in life after but days like today that produces little comfort as my arms hang heavy longing to embrace the warmth and weight that only my 3 year old Donavin is able to produce. It is not only a emotional longing but the sensation is so intense it is actually physical.

  The days before his day, the weight builds. Its heavier and heavier. The weight of the loss. All we are missing without him here. All of the unanswered questions. The never ending knowledge that without him here our family is not complete.

   Adding to the weight is an irrational fear I have, that people will forget him. Because every year I am pleasantly surprised by all those who take the time who share that they were touched by his life with sweet gestures and kind words. I just worry that as time goes by he will be so far in the past that the distant memory of his short sweet life will be forgotten.

  On his birthday I release it all. I dive into everything I have left of him and with each tear my load gets lighter. Until what I am left with is an unending love for him and gratitude to God for giving him what he only could.

  We celebrate his sweet life. We have cake and sing "Happy Birthday." We are grateful for his life and his impact on us. We will always celebrate that.