One week and counting

So here we are. A week from my due date. It's been a journey. This pregnancy has had its ups and downs more then I would have imagined. We thought we lost her in the beginning...but God had other plans. I am thankful for that daily. I thank God for every little kick and nudge...even the ones that find my ribs. I am extremely excited to meet her. Nervous of the process that gets her here sure but I am allowing myself that. What I am not allowing myself is fear. This one is in God's hands. (Well, they all are but you know what I mean) I have made some decisions that I am confident in. I know there are some who would rather they be different but this isn't about them.I understand that there are always people who are going to have a different opinion than I do in all aspects of life. I respect that.  It is through a lot of prayer that we have come to decide what we have and I can't wait to write about it later. Other then a couple critical decisions I am not making any plans. I am going to follow God's lead on this one. God is my strength. I'm praying for a speedy and safe delivery. I ask that you do to.

I am READY! I want to see her little pink face and feel her little grip around my finger.  Too look my husband in the eyes when she is finally here! I want to see the look on her Big Sisters face when she gets to hold her for the first time. I know that Donavin is going to be with us too. He always is. I am excited about this new journey we are about to embark on as our family expands.

Ps. God if you are reading...tonight would be a good night ;)

April already...wow

This pregnancy is flying by. I feel like when I have a few moments to get excited about it I think of how quickly its coming and get knocked on my butt. I am excited. Fearful of the birth yes, but given my experiences I think its understandable. I have come to the realization though that no matter how much preparation or avoiding I do for/of the birth of this baby girl I am never going to feel ready. There are things that I am going to have to deal with and can only deal with...in the moment. Regardless of what choices I make I know I will never have the full support of every single person I know and love. I am ok with that. As long as I feel at peace with my decisions after praying about them thoroughly. Which I do. I know that nothing except for God's will is set in stone. If I change my mind or the situation changes I will be open to it. I will do WHATEVER it takes to help this baby girl arrive safely. Regardless, of what some people seem to think.
I feel confident that we will get to bring this sweet baby girl home. If for some reason God has other plans we will cross that bridge when we get their. Hope and faith are what keep me going. I have both that this will be a very healing process for me and my family. I can hardly wait to hold her in my arms. I can hardly wait to see the look on my husband's face when he sees her for the first time. I am chomping at the bit to see my girls together for the first time. I can't even express the joy I feel when I even picture it. The only thing that would be better is having all 3 of my kids together.


8 weeks and 5 days. (or 9 weeks if you ask the hubby)

Fear or Guidence?

I know how to handle it...well, let me rephrase that. I know how to lift it to God and let him handle it. I have done it before and he does a far better job with it then I do but I still have it.  Fear. "the only thing to fear is fear itself" rings true. It seems like when I give in to one fear it opens the gates for many others. My biggest fear at the moment is this birth and making the right decisions for this baby girl, myself, and my family. The  underlining for pretty much all my fear...the fear of the unknown. How do I know if the decisions I am making are the right ones? Do I let the politics and fear I have regarding my birth have a place in my decision making? Where would that leave me? I know in the end it is all up to God...I just don't want to interpret fear as guidance or guidance as fear. My first thought would be to go to the bible but I can't for the life of me think of where it would say something in regards to a hospital vs a birth center.

Ok, let me lay it all out for you.

I have been back and forth in this pregnancy as far as where the best place is to have my birth. 

I believe God made a woman's body so beautifully. It really comes down to not only just how every muscle in a woman's body works together to labor and birth. but how the newborn baby works with it. It is amazing. Something only God could dream up. I believe he intended it as a natural process. And frankly. I know that the birth center would allow me the biggest chance to experience a birth in all its beauty.
There is fear of not being in a hospital and there is fear of being in one. The hospital has more tools on hand in case I need a c-section but thats the problem. I don't trust that the doctors in the hospital would assess the need in the same manner I believe in. For example I don't believe being a week "overdue" is cause for high concern or induction of labor. (Which is what led to my previous c-section) Yes, it is true that I don't have even close to a medical degree. However, I have done a ton of research in the matter. I believe labor is best left alone to do what God intended and that more times then not doctors intervene when it is not necisary due to time, money, and hospital restraints. (Hey, just being honest...they get paid more if they do a c-section and if they can save time in doing an hour surgery instead of waiting out a 36 hour labor why not)   It is true, I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to doctor's due to previous experiences. I will never deny that. I would love to find one that I wholeheartedly believe has my daughters best interest as well as my own in mind as I do my midwife. I am sure doctor's exist like that out there. I just haven't found one.

Ideally, I would love to have my midwife do my birth in a hospital but unfortunately that is not an option.

So I ask this, is that the question? God's way; naturally w/intervention only as needed outside of the hospital w/of course the option to go if needed. (we could be there in 15 minutes and it takes 30 I have heard to prep an OR anyway) vs Man's way; with medical decisions based off time and money restraints with the security of being there just in case something goes wrong?

I will always do my best to choose God's way over mans but I can't help but wonder if that is the way I am perceiving this because I have a biased opinion based on previous negative experiences with doctors and if that someway my fear of the unknown when it comes to my birth is God's way of telling me to take another look at the picture or if it is just because I now know the tainted reality that sometimes, babies and/or mama's don't always make it through the beauty of birth. (ok, I am beginning to think me calling birth beautiful SO much might be a subconscious way of trying to take my mind off the pain that comes with it ;)

I know this. I will do whatever is best for this baby first and foremost. Even if that means having another c-section. I am ok with that. I just want to give her the best opportunity to arrive to this world as intended.

I know I need to birth in the place where I feel the most safe and comfortable. I just don't know where that is. I feel like its the birth center but I am just not 100%. Will I ever be?

I know I need to let go and let God handle my fear. I am just trying to find the best way to do that while deciphering between fear and guidence.

So this is me seeking counsel I suppose. I would love input. I know there are those of you who absolutely agree with out of hospital birth and those who strongly disagree. I am open to hear both sides but know that weather or not I have an out of hospital birth I will always be an advocate for them. I just need counsel on my personal situation...not out of hospital birth in general.

Oh, by the way I have been told by one doctor that I am considered high risk due to my previous c-section and the death of my son and told by another I am not considered high risk at all.

God has to be included in my life and this birth. Without Him I am nothing.

A Quiet Moment

Been too long since I have been here. I almost feel like its a support group I have been avoiding. In a way thats what my writing is to me. A way to face what, sometimes I don't want to. Today it is the realization that if I want this precious little girl inside of me, I have to go through the labor and the birth. Birth, while something I find beautiful and wondrous, it scares the crap out of me. The worst part is I feel like it is going to surprise me when I am not the least bit ready for it. With my other pregnancies I have wanted the DD to hurry up and get here already...Now I am perfectly ok with it taking its sweet time. Why am I worried its going to sneak up on me? These next few months are busier than I have been in a long time. At this point the only weekends we don't have something scheduled for are the 3 prior to my DD. IN JUNE! Seems a bit insane to me. Even more so that I keep trying to pack more stuff into them. Yes, its true. I know I need to just put a hault to all the planning or I am going to put myself into an early labor but I like having plans. I like planning things. Takes my mind off the impending labor. When in actuality everything I have learned tells me I should be doing otherwise. I need to be preparing myself for it. This little girl needs all of me. She will get it.  I will release my fears to God as always and as always He will do things in the manner He sees fit. I know in my heart everything will go as it should this time around. I will just breath a little easier when this little girl is safely breathing in my arms.

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I have posted. I have been  pretty caught up in life and I am loving it. Planning birthday parties and a Scentsy party. I have decided I love party planning :) I have been spending a lot of time with my sisters and family and enjoying being pregnant. Baby B is kicking pretty frequently these days and I have gotten some of the most adorable clothes from my sisters. It helps a lot with the excitement factor. Addy is about to be 4 and I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around my beautiful...big girl, not baby, is growing so quickly. However, I have a feeling that that particular feeling will never go away. Life has its ups and downs and I will take them as they come. Just going to enjoy the little things along the way.

Warning... she is in a mood. ;)

As someone who's body does apparently not know how to sneeze JUST one time. I would like to take a minute to relish in the joys of pregnancy. Tonight, while sitting on the couch in a sneezing frenzy that I have deemed "Allergies Attacked." I got to experience the lovely effect that comes with that territory. Sneezing while pregnant that is. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about...I will just let your mind wonder for awhile. My first response to this lovely occurrence was..well, this is less then ideal...which then turned into...BRING IT ON!

It is human nature to moan and gripe about things in our life that are less then ideal. For most of us its the little things...pregnancy itself has quiet the list of less then ideal situations or occurrences. How often do we REALLY say to ourselves...well, its a small price to pay or what is complaining about something going to do for me?

Dont get me wrong, I am absolutely just as (if not more) guilty of this as the next person. I however am done complaining about my pregnancy. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about. I have a beautiful baby girl inside me. We have nothing but opportunities in front of us. No matter what happens we have opportunities in front of us.

I will not take it for granted. I will not whine and moan when I am peeing my pants a little at a time because of my uncontrolable sneezing. I will not whine when I am too big to get off the couch. I will not complain about having to pee every 5 seconds even after I just FINALLY fell asleep. Baby feet in my ribs? Whatever makes you comfortable sweetheart. Burning heartburn? She is going to have beautiful hair like her sister.

*please note that everyone...yes, even me... makes mistakes and I will leave that one up to God and his glorious grace to judge.

My point is...all of that is nothing compared to the gift we have been given. With the help of God , we have created a beautiful human life. A heart beating, practice breathing, thumb sucking, stomach nudging life. What's a little pee compared to that?

Upon this astonishing, amazing, original discovery ;) I realized just how many area's of my life it can be carried to. I have a great marriage. Its not perfect. It has its flaws, but I know I am loved by an amazing man who I wouldn't trade for anything. I am a mother. I am not perfect. I have my flaws, but I get to raise my daughter and witness all the greatness she brings to my life and others on a daily basis. I have a roof over my head. Its not perfect it has flaws, but I have a roof over my head and no threats of losing one (moving doesn't count) anytime soon.

The list could go on and on. So really, what's their to complain about?

Am I Truly Broken

There are times, like tonight when I wonder if I am more broken then I can see. A brokenness others look at me and shy from that I am oblivious to. Am I so lost that when I think I have found myself others disagree? When I look in the mirror and see all the great things that God has graciously given me through my pain and I blind to some of myself that is still missing? If others are missing those parts of me, why can I not even see them anymore? Do I still look so broken and lost that I can not be a good friend, daughter, sister etc?

I feel new. I feel refreshed. I feel like a better version of me. I am still a work in progress and still have much to learn from this experience and many more to come. I welcome all God has to give me weather its good or bad in my eyes because I know it is all for the best. Yet, I feel like many of my relationships with others have changed because of something I can't see. Many... have changed since my dear son died. People still look at me like something is missing, why can't I see what it is?

If I am not missing it, I can't help but wonder if it is a part of myself I would even want back.

The Excitement Sets In

Well, I have to say that up until this part of the pregnancy while I have done my best at lifting my fear to God, their were a lot of nerves involved. I have always been thankful for this little life inside me and looked forward to the possibilities. However, with the complications I thought were at hand I was very nervous. 

God gave me an amazing gift last week. I found out that the complications that were diagnosed were never actually there. They were all a beautiful mistake. The hemotoma that I do have has all but disappeared. This pregnancy is no longer considered high risk. I can breath. 

Little miss also started moving on a pretty regular basis. Which is a joy in itself.I can't wait for the day that I can hold both my beautiful girls in my arms. The 2 combined have calmed my nerves. God is letting me know that no matter what, everything will be alright.  That their will be a rainbow in this storm.

A Joyous Slightly Frustrating day

I received a call yesterday reminding me of an early morning appointment for my 20 week ultrasound this morning. I had it written down for next week so I was grateful for the reminder. After not sleeping well at all I woke early this morning and got ready with a smile on my face because I knew I was going to see that sweet baby inside of me today and hear the sweet sound of her heartbeat.(which will forever my music to my soul)

When I arrived to my appointment I was called in by a pleasant ultra sound tech. He said we were going to take some measurements and check on the clot and I asked if he planned to check on the position of the placenta he informed me they always do routinely obviously confused by my question. After starting the ultrasound I asked if my placenta had moved away from my cervix at all. He looked at me with a confused look and told me my placenta was no where near my cervix. It couldn't even be considered low lying. I asked him to double check as I have been told for the last 2 months that I had placenta previa that was fully covering my cervix. He checked all my ultra sound records, as I have had a few, and he found no record of me having placenta previa, at all. I told him that my doctor has told me I did and even went as far as telling me that if my placenta didnt move I would be at high risk for placenta accreta. I asked him to be sure and he showed me where in conjunction with my cervix my placenta was and if it was low lying how far it could have moved and mine was still miles away. My doctor made a mistake. People make mistakes and I completely understand that. I don't think he is a bad person because of it. I however, can not take it lightly. I was caused unnecessary stress and had to wrap my head around the possibility of this being my last pregnancy...because of that mistake. It definitely kills the confidence I had in the care I have been receiving. A bit frustrating.

However...I'M JUST ABOUT FREE AND CLEAR OF ALL COMPLICATIONS! MY SWEET LITTLE MISS WILL HAVE A MUCH BETTER CHANCE OF ARRIVING IN THIS WORLD SOUND, SAFE, AND ALIVE. The tech told me that the clot was less then half the size it was before and was confident that in 4 weeks I would be able to come back and no one would know it had been there unless they looked at my chart ;) Baby girl is looking good and healthy with a strong song of a heartbeat. I even got to see her sucking her thumb. It is the biggest breath of fresh air I have received in awhile. I couldn't be happier...well I am sure when she gets here sound and safe I will be overjoyed.

I have begun to feel her little kicks and I am absolutely in love with every single one of them. Another gift from her big brother, I have learned to cherish every moment. I am very excited about this baby inside of me. More then I would have thought possible at this point. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to enjoy a pregnancy after a loss...and it was not always like this. I am sure I will have fearful days but I am so grateful to be able to enjoy it as I do. I am grateful that I dont live every day in fear. I am grateful that today God took a lot more of my fear away. While it is frustrating that I had the unnecessary worry, I am grateful it wasn't the other way around. I am grateful that I don't have the extra complications.

Above all I am grateful for this precious gift of life I have growing so beautifully inside me.

*pic by Small Bird Studio

A Beautiful Mess

Donavin's birthday has come and gone. In a bittersweet way it is freeing. I spent a lot of days wondering what that day would be like. Would it hurt...yes, it hurt. Would I relive the moment I realized he wasn't going to wake up?  Over and over again. I needed it. I needed to feel that again so I could remember what a great impact he had on me. I heard somewhere (and please forgive me if I am wrong) that in the Jewish religion you have a year to grieve. I don't know the details of that but in my experience I feel it is true. I will always miss my son and a part of me will always hurt but as I have said before that is the price we pay for loving someone unconditionally. It is a price I pay gladly. However, since his birthday I have felt refreshed. I feel that I have had a year to grieve in any way I needed to and celebrated his life at the end of that year in a beautiful way. I feel like now its time for a fresh start. Time to get rid of the useless clutter in our lives and continue to grow as God intends. Especially, bringing us closer to him and closer as a family. Donavin will always be included. He is a part of us and who we are now.

We are getting ready to move...again. (Those of you that know us, know that its becoming an unwanted tradition.) I am looking forward to making a home again. I'm starting to go through our stuff in an effort to make this move as smooth as possible. In a weird way I think losing my son has helped me be better able to let go of some of the physical stuff in life. We all have it...you know the "someday stuff" that we will get around to doing someday because it will be useful or fun. Ya, I don't want it anymore. It is amazing how much we can collect that we really dont use. So it will be a cleansing, refreshing move. Now hopefully we can find a place. :) I saw the cutest little place in Newberg...I can totally picture us there but I dont think its what God has in plan for us. 1. because its the first place I found that fits our criteria and then some 2. because the landlords have not emailed me back yet and they didnt list a phone number for me to harass them at :( 

We also have the cutest little girl who is about to turn 4 that I have to plan a party for. Last years ended up in the middle of our move so I am hoping we are done by then so I can give my 1st princess the attention she deserves. Especially before she has to split it with her sister. :) She is adorable when it comes to her baby sister. She loves and kisses and hugs her everyday. She is going to be a great helper.

I to am very excited for this new little princess to arrive. Today was the first day that I was nothing but excited. Today fear didn't cloud my mind for a minute. I enjoyed my pregnancy and this child inside me to the fullest and I have every intent to continue to do so.

What do you say when...

So tonight as Addy and I were cuddling on the couch she was playing her "squish the baby" game. (where she gives her little sister a great  big hug) Then out of no where, as is normally the case, she tells me "Mommy I don't want my baby sister to die. I want her to come live with us forever and ever"
What am I supposed to say to that? I can't exactly promise her that her little sister will be safe and in our arms knowing full well that it is not in my hands. I wouldn't even begin to predict what God has in store for us.  I of course have faith that this time I will have a beautiful baby to bring home but I am mentally prepared for anything...well as much as I can be. How can you mentally prepare an almost 4 year old to expect anything. Especially one who has experienced so much death in her short little life already.
What did I say? Well, I told her that I wanted to bring little (insert name here) home too and that hopefully that is part of God's plan for our family but we will have to wait and see. (ughh, I hate telling her to wait and see...because I hate hearing it!)
So it wasn't perfect and I know it. I just have no idea what to say to that. She is so excited for this new little one. Even more so I think then her brother. I just pray that that kind of trial is over for her at least. She is so young for how much death she has dealt with. I just pray that she has been processing alright. It is not taboo to talk about any of the deaths we have had in our family, in our household. We have always talked about it as much as she wanted to, no matter how uncomfortable it was. Which is why, I am sure, she thinks it ok to tell random people ;)
Lord, guide me to guide her.

*pic by Small Bird Studio

A Memorable Celebration

Well, after my little melt down over...well bracelets to be honest. (Hey, its a set up from doughnuts which was my big melt melt down in my first pregnancy...I still have yet to live it down) I let all my expectations for what I wanted Donavin's celebration fundraiser to be, go. I realized that it wasn't up to me anyway. It would all go the way it was meant to regardless of my unnecessary attention to detail. So I let it go and it all came together in a way that I couldn't have known to hope for. I had some amazing help from some unexpected places. It was yet another reminder of not only how much love and support we have but also of just how many people's hearts really were touched by Donavin's little life. There is no way I could have taken it all on by myself and still been standing to enjoy it in the end. I will be forever grateful to those that helped.

It was perfect. It was beautiful but comfortable. I just wish their would have been more time so that I could have talked to everyone longer. We raised nearly $500 for a couple of charities which is being donated in Donavin's name. It was a fun, joyous event. More then I could have hoped for. Thank you to everyone who came. I love you all and I know Donavin does too.

Ps. Will post pics when I get them.

My present

Well first and foremost let me start by saying thank you. I am continually surprised by the outpouring of love and support from those around me. I couldn't pretend to be alone if I tried.
;)

Today was a hard day. Today reminded me what a hard day really is. I wept for most of the first part of the day but I did so freely. I allowed myself to submit to my feelings and just be. To say I miss my son would be an understatement. I grieved and wept with everything within me. For MY loss. For my husband's loss. For my daughters loss. Never for Donavin's. Even through all the tears and hurt the truth was not far from my mind. He is at peace. He knows nothing but happiness. For that I will always rejoice.
Today showed me how far I have come. Today felt like the first few days following his death. It reminded me that even when I feel I have "hard days" its nothing compared to where I have been. God has carried me through the hardest experience of my life in ways I would have never imagined. He picked me up when I didn't realize I was falling. He never let my greif cloud my vision of the blessings that my family, including my son, has been given. Its ok with me that it will always hurt (I say as if I have a choice ;) because with the hurt is the constant reminder to be thankful for what you do have. Yes, I have lost my son but I have also gained a new respect and love for my husband, I have also gained a new joy in watching my daughter grow daily, I have also gained the knowledge that I have an amazing amount of love and support from people all around me. I have way more then I deserve and I will be eternally grateful to the Lord for that.
Happy Birthday Donavin. I love you.

On another note...I have run into a lot of people with that "I don't know what to say" face when they realize I am hurting and I have experienced this with others as well when I realize I am. I heard this song on the radio on my way home tonight. It said it perfectly so I thought I would share.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means more to me then you will ever know.

Happy Birthday Dearest Donavin

Happy Birthday my dear son. I miss you with everything I have. Nothing would make me happier on this day as it would to see your beautiful shining face as you stuffed it full of cake today.  I would be snapping picture after picture capturing every precious moment every precious smile. My guess is you would have gotten lots of trucks for your birthday and your daddy would have had almost as much fun as you did playing with them, just picking them out. I can't help but wonder what you would have looked like. My precious baby boy. Its been a year since I got to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face. Its been longer since I felt you move or heard your heartbeat. You had gone to heaven by then but I would still give almost anything to feel your skin against mine again. This is a day that I will always celebrate you and your short life. It is your day my baby boy. I miss you deeply and love you more. You will always bee a part of me and this family. I just wish you could be here with us. (selfishly of course) I know you are having more fun then I could ever imagine in heaven. Your face is smiling brightly at all the joys and delights you get to experience especially on your day. I love you Donavin.

Reflections

This very moment a year ago I was in labor with a beautiful little boy. 2 weeks overdue I was ready and labor was welcome. I never imagined that I would be laboring to say good bye to my son. He was beautiful. He will always be beautiful to me. He will always be worth every second and more. I would do it all over again to hold him for just a minute. Knowing he exists is worth all the pain and grief I have gone through and am still experiencing. It will never be right. I will never be "healed. " It will always hurt a little and I am ok with that. That is the price we pay for love in any form. When you love someone unconditionally you agree to accept all the hurts and sorrow that comes with losing that person. I am ok with the hurt. I know it is mine. I know he was mine for a moment.

Tomorrow will be a year. I was asked how it felt that a year has gone by. It feels surreal. It doesn't feel like it is possible for that much time to have passed. It felt awkward to go through all the moments that I had imagined with him in them. It feels weird to be planning a fundraiser opposed to first birthday party. Nothing about loss and grief ever feels right. It has been a year of extreme growth. It has been both the worst and best year of my life. The worst because I never wanted to be able to say I have lost a child. The best because I am better because of my son. My family is stronger because of my son. My faith is stronger because of God's plan for my son. I have learned to let go of a lot of the things that in the end don't matter. I missed many milestones that my son should have hit this year. Opening his eyes, smiling, laughing, breathing, crawling, walking, picking foods he liked and those he didn't, playing with his big sister... the list goes on and on and will continue to do so throughout my lifetime. However, I would have to be blind to overlook the goodness that God has created through my son. Things that will live on through out this lifetime...and with any luck to generations to come. I have no doubt that his life will touch many, and if it brings one person closer to God then his life will have been well lived.

I lost my child. My son. My beautiful baby boy. I will see him again and when I do I will be able to say the words "I survived" until then...I am just surviving.

1 more day

Let me start by saying people never cease to amaze me. Thank you all for the outpouring of help you all have offered and given. It has truly been a blessing. Thank you. While things didn't seem to be working for my plans...looks like God had better ones in mind. He found a way to pry my head open and get me to accept that things happen the way He wants them to...I am just here to enjoy the ride. That is just what I need to do. That is just what I am going to do.

I have figured out the obvious...and I will consider myself a genius for it because thats just what I do. I stressed hard over this because I want everything to be perfect. This is the one huge thing (unless of course God has other plans) that I get to do for my son. I want it to be perfect. I want to raise a bunch of money to donate in his name and have everyone thoroughly enjoy themselves in the process. I want people to rejoice in his memory, not feel constant sadness.

I have 1 more day until his birth/death day. I have to say, it is very surreal. I can still relive, vividly, that day as if it were last week. The empty arms will always be a reminder though.
~~~~~~
My beautiful boy I miss you dearly. While you are celebrating with Jesus we will be celebrating you down here. (Just a guess but I am sure your party is going to be MUCH more fun) So far I plan to take time to look at your beautiful face with the pictures we took, your big sister and I are going to bake you a cake...she is very anxious to use the big cupcake pan that Mommy just got so we saved that for your cake. Then we are going to the only home you knew...our home away from home, to celebrate with those that love you just as dearly and be closer to the place you once were. (Auntie is making Mommy some home made chicken noodle soup...I can't wait) and weather permitting we will visit the tree your Daddy carved and spread a little of your ashes so you are always there with us. Then Saturday we will celebrate with every life you touched. Oh and just so you know your birthday presents are going to help other tiny babies and parents of the ones that get to come to heaven with you.  We love you and miss you so much. You are still very much a part of this family. I know Daddy really wishes you could be here...he is starting to get a little out numbered with your little sister on the way. I love you baby boy. Always will, forever and ever.

Not Such a Great Day

Where to start? Well, it's 4 days until the year mark from my son's death. I have...somewhat planned a birthday celebration/fund raiser for a week from today. I say somewhat because I cant think straight on what needs to be done long enough to get it done and make a plan. I was hoping to have some help but everyone who I thought would be there is not and while I understand that everyone has their own lives its not to say it doesn't hurt. This is important to me and nothing is going right. It is important to me that when people think back on the memory of my son they have something good to think about. I don't want his memory to forever be tainted with sadness. Who wants that? I want people to think of him and think " good things came from his short little life." I had this great vision of everyone getting together and having a good time while raising money for some good charities and while people are coming I am terrified that it is just going to turn into this sad birthday party for a kid that died.  I want people to have something to remember him by, something to look at and be reminded that good things did come from his short beautiful life. I had planned to have some bracelets made with his name and birthday. The order got screwed up and now if I truly want them it is going to cost me way more then I can logically agree to pay for the rushed process. It has been suggested that I make something like magnets or something which is a great idea but I am not the least bit crafty at all. My craft skills are about that of a kindergartner. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless...again. That was a feeling I didn't anticipate on this anniversary. I didn't ever want to feel so helpless again as I did that day. I know it is not in my control, I know it is in God's. I just wish this once he would let me in just a little on his plan. A part of me wants to cancel it. Just to ensure that it won't become the sad birthday party but I will feel like I will let him down if I do. I will let everyone down. I am not feeling very strong today. Lord, please give me strength. These hormones mixed with emotions are seriously doing damage to my tear supply.     

Another One of God's Curveballs

Aww being pregnant again. Just about 18 weeks. A whirlwind of emotions came with the news and the ups and downs that came after. The first was shock and fear. It was hard to let myself feel excited...I needed to let go of my fear. I wrote the following the day after I found out I was pregnant.

"Holy crap. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am pregnant and am going to have a baby. Another baby. My emotions and feelings are all so contradictory. I am trying so hard to be happy. All my fear is getting in the way of it. I am so scared to let myself accept it and be joyful. I am scared I will lose this baby too. I cant imagine going through that again so soon. I cant imagine going through that again period. I cant imagine putting my family through that.

I am excited at the possibility of it. Addy having a sibling, Dustin having another baby around. I feel like it is a girl. I hope for Dustin it is a boy. I hope it is a boy too but I feel like it is a girl.

The weird way I knew makes me feel crazy. The rose I got as a gift from a dear friend after Donavin died, it was named "a new day." It had never bloomed before. Then all the sudden while we are gone on a mini vacation we come back to one full yellow rose. In the middle of October. Is that even normal? Do roses bloom in October? I don't think so. I took one look at that rose and I knew I was pregnant. At that point peeing on the stick was only confirming what I already knew. I didnt have the courage to do it until I read another baby loss mama's blog about her experience with having a baby  after a loss.

I am bound and determined to be positive about this. To focus on the moment. To enjoy my pregnancy and the life I have inside of me. It is all in God's hands and if it does turn out for the worst, well I will have enough time to be worried later.

Lord, 

Please help me to release my fear to you. Help me to enjoy this tiny baby inside of me. Please take my worries from me and help me to trust in your will. I need you Lord. I have a lot of fear about what is to come. I lift it to you Lord. Thank you for this baby. Thank you for this second chance. Please let it work out this time. Please let my baby live.

Give my love to Donavin. Tell him Mommy Loves him and always will but for now I have to focus on his little brother/sister. I know he understands and is in good hands.

Thank you Lord.
Amen."

I was terrified. Even the thought of going through labor again scared me. I wanted another baby. I had for awhile but knowing it was already happening weather I was ready or not...was stressful. I spent 24 hours a little freaked out and then I let it all go. I decided that I was not going to waste another minute of this pregnancy. God blessed me with the gift of life inside me and I am going to focus on the beauty of it all but of course there were some concerns. I wrote this 2 days after I found out I was pregnant. 

"Excitement about the possibilities to come are setting in. I could really have another daughter or son living with us in less than a year! Addy could really have a living sibling! Dustin will have another son or daughter. Although, I really have to admit I really think it is a girl. I would be nice to have a boy but I am pretty sure it is a girl. As of now, God only knows and I am sure he let Donavin in on it. :) I wonder how that all works, Can Donavin talk to his little brother or sister? I hope they know each other. That would be awesome.

I am truly blessed. God has some amazing ways of answering prayers. This was the answer to many of our questions.

I am only going to enjoy every moment of being pregnant. I am going to try my best to only focus on the positive. This baby deserves it. I deserve it. Dustin deserves it. Their are too many negatives in life that seem to get more of the focus then the positives. I will focus on the positive and every moment I have. With God's help this will be a positive healing experience.

Something that is inevitable...peoples opinions about where and how I plan to birth. I have plan to give birth at the birth center this time. The birth center is not much different than a home birth. They just have the supplies there and everything is already set up and of course they are closer to the hospital.

The fearful part of me wonders if I should have a consult with an ob just to make sure everything is ok and I won’t see any issues. Although, I know that Donavin's death was a rare occurrence and the chances of that happening again are slim to none."

Yes, I had a homebirth with my son. He died. Do I believe the reason he died was because of it? Absolutely not. Besides the end result it was a beautiful experience and I really wanted another shot at it. Godwilling I was going to give birth in the birth center. 

Turns out, God doesn't seem to willing. 

We had a few weeks to get used the idea. We were all pretty excited about it. Addy was beyond excited and insisted that it was a girl (...and don't you dare try to argue the point.) We saw the my midwife a couple times. (and I do mean WE. She is amazing with Addy and let her participate with everything) My midwife showed Addy with some dolls how big the baby was and how big the baby had to grow before it could come out of my tummy. Which was awesome because it really helped it click for her the why to "no, the baby is not ready to come out now."Things were going smoothly. We still has some figuring out to do though. 

Then came Thanksgiving. I had to work that day but got off early. (Thank you God.) I stopped by my Mom's and wasn't feeling to great from what I assumed was because...well lets just say things had just started moving after being a bit backed up. So I headed home to get Addy ready for dinner at the family's later. I felt totally fine when I got home not that it was horrible. I turned off the car, opened the door. and moved one leg out to the side. Then I felt this gush of something. Frankly, I thought "oh! This is going to be so embarrassing!" Until I got out and realized it was a puddle of blood on my seat. As I felt it running down my leg, I was in shock. THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING! I called for my husband who quickly got the car seat in the car and then Addy in the car. We made it to the hospital in record time. Oh and by the way if anyone happened to be driving on the freeway that day and came across a truck honking and flashing his lights at you for apparently no reason....sorry. (Addy now thinks that you can just honk at the cars in front of you and they'll get out of your way) When we got to the hospital it was like our fast forward went to slow motion and the tears started coming. When I asked the nurses, they pretty much confirmed that it was most likely what I was thinking...a miscarriage. When Dustin and Addy in her little princess dress up dress came in it was everything I could do to keep the tears in. How am I going to tell this beautiful little girl that this baby is going to get to come home with us either??!?! It was harder as my kind hearted daughter was stroking my arm saying "it's going to be ok Mommy." So we go back and they did a pelvic exam and drew some blood. Then took me back for an ultrasound. Moment of truth. Praise God. Their was a heartbeat. The baby was alive and well and not showing any signs of stress. I got sent home with the diagnoses of a threatened miscarriage. It hadn't happened yet but the bleeding could be a sign of what was to come. I would see the dr and get another ultrasound on Monday. Monday came and the bleeding had lightened then stopped. After seeing the dr and doing the ultrasound I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma. which is a gathering of blood between the membranes of the placenta and the uterus. Mine had caused a small part of my placenta to detach and happened to be pretty close to where the cord was connected. From what I gather mine wasn't exactly on the small scale either. The concern was primarily the effect it could have on the size of the baby. With the hematoma being so close to where the cord was connected and having that small part of the placenta not providing nutrition anymore it could have potentially negative affects on the growth of the baby. Diagnoses...every Mom's worst nightmare. Wait and see. There was nothing I could do. I went for follow up ultrasounds and appointments and found that while my pregnancy is progressing the hematoma is not. It is stable. I did however find out that I also have Placenta Previa which when the placenta grows in the lowest part of the uterus and covers up part or in my case all of the opening to the cervix. Which of course means guaranteed c-section. In my case the dr said that it is possible for it to move as I grow. (another wait and see thing...beginning to see a pattern?) We will know for sure by 28 weeks. IF it doesn't move I was informed that because of my previous c-section that I will be at high risk for Placenta Accreta which is when the placenta attaches itself too deeply in the wall of the uterus. Diagnoses: Hysterectomy.

		How do I feel about all of this? Well,. first let me say how thankful I am that our little GIRL is still alive and growing well. Secondly, I loathe the wait and see game. It is nerve wracking. I am a little nervous about another c-section but at this point a healthy baby and myself is all I can hope for. Although, the c-section is not set in stone just yet. I will be having a hospital birth. With all the complications in this pregnancy I feel that at this point I am being pushed in that direction. Which to me is in a weird way another loss. I so had hoped for the experience I know a homebirth/birth center birth can be. I really was hoping for another chance at that beautiful natural experience that I know is almost impossible in a hospital. Oh and for those that don't know me or much about homebirth...no, I am not a hippie ;)  The thought of it getting to the point of having a hysterectomy is heartbreaking. The thought of not being able to try for another son is worse but I am not going to live in fear. I refuse. I have a beautiful baby girl inside me that I am ready to welcome to our family. It will happen on God's terms and I am ok with that. After all, it is not MY perfect world it is His.

 

Forcing the peices to fit

*Warning* I am apparently on a metaphor kick.
(or the epiphany that clicks for me that everyone in the world has already thought of but I think I am a guineas ;)

Life is like when you were a kid and putting the puzzle together didn't sound like fun... so you took every puzzle you had and dumped it into a pile just to through them in the air like rain because after all that sounds like MUCH more fun then putting the boring puzzle together. Then your Mom catches you and makes you put them all together so you can find the right pieces to the right puzzles and  put them in their proper places.

Life is that pile of miscellaneous puzzle pieces.

Your one piece of the puzzle, looking for the pieces that fit to you. You find those pretty pieces that you try and force to fit to you with no luck, then their is the ones that almost fit but aren't a perfect match. Yet you go through life trying to find the ones that are meant for you and as you do you become more whole, more mature, more well-rounded. Once your puzzle is complete you can look back and see the glorious picture God painted from you and while each individual piece may not be beautiful the bigger picture is. When you start out as one piece its hard to see what you are...when you find a piece that connects but isn't pretty its hard to see the bigger picture. Its not until all the pieces are complete that you can truly see all of God's glory. 

Journey

I view this journey in my life like climbing a mountain. (I know real original right?) The difference is my mountain is made of sand. I climb and I slide, climb and slide. Hoping one day I will make it to the top. My journey doesn't go up quickly. You see, as I climb and slide and climb and slide the sand packs and gets a little more stable. The sliding happens less and less but it's still sand it still happens from time to time. I still have a whole mountain ahead of me. My mountain is a slow journey. The sand is lessons I have yet to learn. I am eager and full of hope. I know when I reach the top I will see my son again but for now I am still enjoying the incredible view of all that is around me.

8 days until we should be celebrating our beautiful boy's first birthday. I am not sure how that day is going to effect me. I am nervous. I sense that I will relive his birth over and over. I am pretty sure I will be useless to the world. I will go through every emotion I have in this last year in one day and then I will end it in a way that honors him...and gives his big sister an excuse to eat cake. Who wants to babysit for a few hours while Mommy jumps on an emotional roller coaster for a couple of hours?

One thing I will always remain sure of. I will never for a moment in my life wish it didn't happen. I can't fathom what my life would be without him being a part of it. I will have my moment and let my self weep for my loss but I will never deny the gain. This is the biggest milestone yet. Year one. I have had time to grieve and now its time to reflect and decide what to do with the lesson's God has taught me. For now I will write.

Unexpected Joy

When I first started this journey I thought that it would only get better day by day and while that is partly true it has taken me almost a year to begin to realize the full extent of this unexpected joy.

"Unexpected joy" ...not words many would expect to find when referring to an outcome from a tragic event such as the death of my son. However, tragedy is not how I would describe it. God's path to the true longings of my soul would be more appropriate. Please do not misunderstand, I miss my son with everything I have. In my perfect world I would learn the lessons that God saw fit with him in my arms but my version of the perfect world is by far inferior to that of the Lord's.

I knew from the day I lost my son the basics of God's intentions. I can't give you details and some days it doesn't make sense to me but I can tell you this above every other feeling; the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the love, the confusion on the day my son was born stillborn I wanted nothing more than I wanted to be wrapped in God's arms. What I didn't know and am just now starting to realize is that he has never let me go.

Today, just 10 days away from the one year anniversary of my son's birth and death a friend came to me and gave me a book. It is titled "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. I will not go into the sweet sentiment that came along with it but I will tell you it touched my heart in a way that ignited my need share what this experience has been to me.

I have read one chapter in Mr. Crabb's book and the only reason I put it down was because I felt the need to get some words out of my head before I forgot them. I almost feel that I could rewrite his whole chapter with conviction because I have lived it. 3 things stuck out to me while reading. 1.) "Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story"  2.) God allows our suffering because it is the only way to get us to break down our walls enough to lead us to the depths of our soul and realize our strongest passions. 3.) Our strongest passion is a direct encounter with God. We just don't realize it.

I am excited to continue to read this book and hope to share my experiences with you.

With this new blog I have many hopes. First, as we come up on this one year mark I thought it would be good to reflect on the journey I have been on. I think that looking back at some of my previous feelings and thoughts (mostly from my previous blog) and reflecting on what God may have been trying to teach me is going to be a big part of my healing and journey. Afterall, the journey just started and I have a lot of ground to cover.

I would also like to share new thoughts and feelings. I am now carrying my 3rd child and there are a lot of emotions and thoughts that come with that as well.

I have big hopes and dreams for this but put quiet simply I write in hopes that God may use me to help someone else in whatever way he deems fit. However, if I am being brutally honest with myself...and you for that matter, I have a tendency not to finish what I start when it comes to my writing. So I hope to learn from this as well and better myself.

I ask this of you. If you know of a bible verse that you think relates to an article I write ...or even if you just want to share it with me, please do. I think it would be a wonderful way to be introduced to all the bible has to offer.

I am not going to set any boundaries with this blog or say it is about one thing in particular. No restrictions. I just wish to live in the now and revel in the unexpected joys of life.